"Grief only becomes real when it touches you personally" (Erich Maria Remarque).
The topic of death is very difficult, but very important. This is a stunning, unexpected, sudden tragedy. Especially if it happens to a close and dear person. Such a loss is always a deep shock, the shock of the experienced blow leaves scars in the soul for life. A person in a moment of grief feels a loss of emotional connection, feels a sense of unfulfilled duty and guilt. How to cope with experiences, emotions, feelings and learn to live on? How to deal with the death of a loved one? How and how to help someone who is experiencing the pain of loss?
The attitude of modern society to death
“Don’t cry all the time”, “Hold on”, “He’s better there”, “We’ll all be there” - all theseconsolations have to be heard by a grieving person. Sometimes he is left alone. And this happens not because friends and colleagues are cruel and indifferent people, but many people are afraid of death and other people's grief. Many want to help, but do not know how and with what. They are afraid to show tactlessness, they cannot find the right words. And the secret lies not in healing and comforting words, but in the ability to listen and let you know that you are there.
Modern society eschews everything related to death: avoids conversation, refuses to mourn, tries not to show its grief. Children are afraid to answer their questions about death. In society, there is a belief that too long a manifestation of grief is a sign of mental illness or disorder. Tears are regarded as a nervous attack.
A man in his grief remains alone: the phone does not ring in his house, people avoid him, he is isolated from society. Why is this happening? Because we don't know how to help, how to comfort, what to say. We fear not only death, but also the mourners. Of course, communication with them is not entirely psychologically comfortable, there are a lot of inconveniences. He may cry, he must be comforted, but how? What to talk about with him? Would you make it hurt even more? Many of us cannot find answers to these questions, step back and wait for time until the person himself copes with his loss and returns to normal. Only spiritually strong people stay close to the mourner at such a tragic moment.
The rituals of funerals and mourning in society are lost andperceived as a relic of the past. We are "civilized, intelligent and cultured people." But it was these ancient traditions that helped to properly survive the pain of loss. For example, mourners who were invited to the coffin to repeat certain verbal formulas caused tears in those relatives who were stunned or shocked.
Currently, it is considered wrong to cry at the coffin. There was an idea that tears bring many disasters to the soul of the deceased, that they drown him in the next world. For this reason, it is customary to cry as little as possible and restrain yourself. The rejection of mourning and the modern attitude of people towards death have very dangerous consequences for the psyche.
Sorrow individually
All people experience the pain of loss in different ways. Therefore, the division of grief into stages (periods), adopted in psychology, is conditional and coincides with the dates of commemoration of the dead in many world religions.
Many factors influence the stages that a person goes through: gender, age, state of he alth, emotionality, upbringing, emotional connection with the deceased.
But there are general rules that you need to know in order to assess the mental and emotional state of a person who is experiencing grief. It is necessary to have an idea how to survive the death of the closest person, how and how to help the one who had a misfortune. The following rules and patterns apply to children who are experiencing the pain of loss. But they need to be treated with even more care and attention.
So, a loved one died, how to deal with grief?To answer this question, it is necessary to understand what is happening with the mourners at this time.
Strike
The first feeling experienced by a person who suddenly lost a loved one is a lack of understanding of what and how it happened. A single thought is spinning in his head: "It can't be!" The first reaction he experiences is shock. In fact, this is a defensive reaction of our body, a kind of “psychological anesthesia.”
Shock comes in two forms:
- Tumbling, inability to perform normal activities.
- Excessive activity, agitation, screaming, fussiness.
Moreover, these states can alternate.
A person cannot believe what has happened, he sometimes begins to avoid the truth. In many cases, there is a rejection of what happened. Then the person:
- Looking for the face of the deceased in a crowd of people.
- Talking to him.
- Hears the voice of the departed, feels his presence.
- Planning some joint events with him.
- Keep his belongings, clothes and everything connected with him intact.
If a person denies the fact of loss for a long time, then the mechanism of self-deception is activated. He does not accept the loss because he is not ready to experience unbearable mental pain.
How to survive the death of a loved one? Advice, methods in the initial period come down to one thing - to believe in what happened, to allow feelings to break out, to talk about them with those who are ready to listen, to cry. Usuallyperiod lasts about 40 days. If it dragged on for months or even years, you should contact a psychologist or a priest.
Let's look at the cycles of grief.
7 stages of grief
How to survive the death of loved ones? What are the stages of grief, how do they manifest themselves? Psychologists identify certain stages of grief that all people who have lost loved ones experience. They do not go one after another in strict sequence, each person has his own psychological periods. Understanding what is going on with the grieving will help you deal with the grief.
The first reaction, shock and shock, has already been discussed, here are the subsequent stages of grief:
- Denial of what is happening. “This couldn’t happen” - the main reason for such a reaction is fear. A person is afraid of what happened, what will happen next. Reason denies reality, a person convinces himself that nothing happened. Outwardly, he looks numb or fussy, actively organizing the funeral. But this does not mean at all that he is easily going through the loss, he just has not yet fully realized what happened. A person who is in a daze does not need to be shielded from the cares and hassles of a funeral. Paperwork, organizing funerals and commemorations, ordering funeral services make you communicate with people and help you get out of a state of shock. It happens that in a state of denial a person ceases to adequately perceive reality and the world. Such a reaction is short-lived, but it is necessary to bring him out of this state. To do this, you need to talk to him,call him by name all the time, do not leave him alone, distract him from his thoughts. But you should not console and reassure, as this will not help. This stage is short. It is, as it were, preparatory, a person mentally prepares himself for the fact that the loved one is no longer there. And as soon as he realizes what happened, he will move on to the next stage.
- Rage, resentment, anger. These feelings take over a person completely. He is angry at the whole world around him, for him there are no good people, everything is wrong. He is internally convinced that everything that happens around him is injustice. The strength of these emotions depends on the person himself. As soon as the feeling of anger passes, it is immediately replaced by the next stage of grief.
- Guilt. He often remembers the deceased, moments of communication with him and begins to realize that he paid little attention, spoke harshly or rudely, did not ask for forgiveness, did not say that he loved, and so on. The thought comes to mind: “Have I done everything to prevent this death?” Sometimes this feeling stays with a person for the rest of his life.
- Depression. This stage is very difficult for people who are used to keeping all their feelings to themselves and not showing them to others. They exhaust them from the inside, a person loses hope that life will become normal. He refuses to be sympathized, he has a gloomy mood, he does not contact other people, he tries to suppress his feelings all the time, but this makes him even more unhappy. Depression after the loss of a loved one leaves an imprint on all areas of life.
- Accepting what happened. Over time, a person comes to terms withhappened. He begins to come to his senses, life is more or less getting better. Every day his condition improves, and resentment and depression will weaken.
- Rebirth stage. During this period, a person is uncommunicative, is silent for a lot and for a long time, often withdraws into himself. The period is quite long and can last up to several years.
- Organization of life without a loved one. After going through all the stages in the life of a person who has experienced grief, many things change, and of course, he himself becomes different. Many are trying to change the old way of life, find new friends, change jobs, sometimes place of residence. A person, as it were, is building a new model of life.
Symptoms of "normal" grief
Lindemann Erich singled out the symptoms of “normal” grief, that is, the feeling that every person develops when they lose a loved one. So the symptoms are:
- Physiological, that is, recurring bouts of physical suffering: tightness in the chest, bouts of emptiness in the abdomen, weakness, dry mouth, cramps in the throat.
- Behavioral - this is haste or slowness of the pace of speech, inconsistency, freezing, lack of interest in business, irritability, insomnia, everything falls out of hand.
- Cognitive symptoms - confusion, self-doubt, difficulty with attention and concentration.
- Emotional - feelings of helplessness, loneliness, anxiety and guilt.
Time of Tribulation
- The shock and denial of the loss lasts about 48 hours.
- During the first week, there is an emotionalexhaustion (there were funerals, funerals, meetings, commemoration).
- From 2 to 5 weeks, some people return to their daily activities: work, study, normal life. But those closest to you begin to feel the loss most acutely. They have a more acute anguish, grief, anger. This is a period of intense grief that can drag on for a long time.
- From three months to a year, mourning lasts, this is a period of helplessness. Some get depressed, some need extra care.
- Anniversary is a very important event when the ritual completion of mourning is performed. That is, worship, a trip to the cemetery, commemoration. Relatives gather, and common grief eases the grief of loved ones. This happens if there is no jam. That is, if a person cannot come to terms with the loss, is not able to return to everyday life, he, as it were, hung in his grief, remained in his grief.
Tough life test
How can you get over the death of a loved one? How can I take it all out and not break? The loss of a loved one is one of the hardest and most serious trials in life. Every adult has experienced loss in one way or another. It is foolish to advise a person to pull himself together in this situation. At first, it is very difficult to accept the loss, but there is an opportunity not to aggravate your condition and try to cope with stress.
Unfortunately, there is no quick and universal way to survive the death of a loved one, but all measures must be taken to ensure that this grief does not result in a severe formdepression.
When specialist help is needed
There are people who “hang” in their difficult emotional state, cannot cope with grief on their own and do not know how to survive the death of a loved one. Psychology identifies signs that should alert others, force them to immediately contact a specialist. This should be done if the mourner has:
- constant obsessive thoughts about worthlessness and aimlessness of life;
- purposeful avoidance of people;
- constant thoughts of suicide or death;
- there is an inability to return to the usual way of life for a long time;
- slow reactions, constant emotional breakdowns, inappropriate actions, uncontrollable laughter or crying;
- sleep disturbances, severe weight loss or weight gain.
If there is at least some doubt or concern about a person who has recently experienced the death of a loved one, it is better to consult a psychologist. It will help the bereaved to understand himself and his emotions.
Tips: how to get over the death of a loved one
These are general recommendations on how to cope with the tragedy, what needs to be done during this difficult period:
- Don't give up the support of others and friends.
- Take care of yourself and your physical condition.
- Give free rein to your feelings and emotions.
- Try to express your feelings and emotions through creativity.
- Set no time limits for grief.
- Do not suppress emotions, cry out grief.
- To be distracted by those who are dear and loved, that is, the living.
How to survive the death of a loved one? Psychologists advise writing a letter to the deceased. It should say what they did not have time to do or report during their lifetime, confess to something. Basically, get it all down on paper. You can write about how missing a person, what you regret.
Those who believe in magic can turn to psychics for help and advice on how to survive the death of a loved one. They are also known to be good psychologists.
In difficult times, many people turn to the Lord for help. How to deal with the death of a loved one? The priests advise the believer and the mourner far from religion to come to the temple more often, pray for the deceased, commemorate him on certain days.
How to help someone get over the pain of loss
It is very painful to see a loved one, a friend, an acquaintance who has just lost a relative. How to help a person survive the death of a loved one, what to tell him, how to behave, how to alleviate his suffering?
Trying to help their neighbor endure pain, many people try to distract him from what happened and avoid talking about death. But this is wrong.
What should you say or do to help you get over the death of a loved one? Effective Ways:
- Don't ignore talk of the deceased. If less than 6 months have passed since the moment of death, then all the thoughts of a friend or relative revolve around the deceased. It is very important for him to speak out and cry. You can't force him to suppress himself.emotions and feelings. However, if more than a year has passed since the tragedy, and all conversations still come down to the deceased, then you should change the subject of the conversation.
- Distract the grieving from his grief. Immediately after the tragedy, a person cannot be distracted by anything, he only needs moral support. But after a few weeks, it’s worth starting to give a person’s thoughts a different direction. It is worth inviting him to some places, enrolling in joint courses and so on.
- Switch a person's attention. The best thing to do is to ask him for some help. Show him that his help is needed. Taking care of an animal speeds up the process of getting out of depression.
How to accept the death of a loved one
How to get used to the loss and how to survive the death of a loved one? Orthodoxy and the Church give such advice:
- must believe in the Mercy of the Lord;
- read prayers for the deceased;
- put candles in the temple for the repose of the soul;
- give alms and help those in need;
- if you need spiritual help, you need to go to church and ask a priest.
Is it possible to be prepared for the death of a loved one
Death is a terrible event, it is impossible to get used to it. For example, police officers, pathologists, investigators, doctors who have to see a lot of deaths seem to learn over the years to perceive someone else's death without emotions, but they are all afraid of their own death and, like all people, do not know how to endure the death of a very close one.human.
You can't get used to death, but you can psychologically prepare yourself for the departure of a loved one:
- If a person is terminally ill. You need to spend more time with him, give him the opportunity to talk about everything that is important to him, as well as share experiences and secrets with him. Tell all relatives and friends about the situation, they will also be able to enjoy his company. It is necessary to brighten up the last months of a loved one as much as possible. When he is gone, the memories of this will be a little soothing. How to survive the death of a very close person if he was sick for a long time? Such a loss turns into a long-term depression and a serious emotional shake-up. A grieving person himself falls out of life for a long time. If a person is unconscious, it is necessary to provide care for him and also spend more time. Talk to him, remember and tell him something positive, tell him everything that you would like to say. Maybe he will hear everything you say.
- If a person is engaged in a risky job. Convince him to change jobs or activities. If he does not agree and loves his job very much, you need to appreciate every moment spent with this person.
- If a relative is in old age, you should come to terms with the idea that this will happen anyway. We need to spend more time together. They often like to talk about their youth, they are interested in everything that happens in the life of their grandchildren, children, they are very happy when they are interested in their opinion and knowledge. It is important that the final stepthe life of a loved one was bright and happy.
- How to survive death if a person is dead? Accept what happened, the faster it happens, the easier it will be to recover from the blow. Talk about him with friends and relatives, pray for him, talk to him, apologize or say something that you did not have time to say during your lifetime. Sudden death is a terrible tragedy, it changes the people who survived. Due to the unexpectedness of what happened, the process of mourning for relatives lasts longer than when dying from old age or from illness.
How to improve life after the death of parents
Losing a parent is always a great tragedy. The psychological connection that is established between relatives makes their loss a very difficult test. How to survive the death of a loved one, mother? What do you do when she's gone? How to deal with grief? And what to do and how to survive the death of a loved one, dad? And how to survive grief if they die together?
No matter how old we are, coping with the loss of parents is never easy. It seems to us that they left too soon, but it will always be the wrong time. You have to accept the loss, you have to learn to live with it. For quite a long time in our thoughts, we turn to the departed father or mother, ask them for advice, but we must learn to live without their support.
The death of a parent changes life drastically. In addition to bitterness, grief and loss, there is a feeling that life has collapsed into an abyss. How to get over the death of a loved one and come back to life:
- The fact of loss must be accepted. And the sooner this happens, the better. Needunderstand that a person will never be with you, that neither tears nor mental anguish will return him. We must learn to live without a mother or father.
- Memory is the greatest value of a person, our deceased parents continue to live in it. Remembering them, do not forget about yourself, about your plans, deeds, aspirations.
- It's worth gradually getting rid of the heavy memories of death. They make people depressed. Psychologists advise to cry, you can go to a psychologist or a priest. You can start keeping a diary, the main thing is not to keep everything to yourself.
- If loneliness overcomes, you need to find someone who needs care and attention. You can have a pet. Their selfless love and vitality will help overcome grief.
There are no ready-made recipes for how to survive the death of a loved one, suitable for absolutely all people. Loss situations and emotional connections are different for everyone. And everyone experiences grief differently.
How to get over the death of a loved one easier? It is necessary to find something that will ease the soul, do not be shy to show emotions and feelings. Psychologists believe that grief must be "sick", and only then will relief come.
Remember with kind words and deeds
People often ask how to ease their grief after the death of a loved one. How to live with it? Easing the pain of loss is sometimes impossible and unnecessary. There will come a time when you can manage your grief. To ease the pain a little, you can do something in memory of the deceased. Maybe he dreamed of doing something himself, you can bringthis is the end of it. You can do charity work in memory of him, dedicate some creation in his honor.
It is important to preserve the memory of him, always remember him with a kind word and deed.
And a few more recommendations…
How to survive the death of a loved one? There is no universal and simple advice, it is a multifaceted and individual process. But most important:
- You need to give yourself time to heal.
- Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
- It is necessary to follow the diet and observe the daily routine.
- Don't rush to soothe yourself with alcohol or drugs.
- Do not self-medicate. If sedatives are indispensable, it is best to see a doctor for a prescription and recommendations.
- You need to talk about a dead loved one with everyone who is willing to listen.
And most importantly, to accept the loss and learn to live with it does not mean forgetting or betraying. This is a healing, that is, a correct and natural process.
Conclusion
Each of us, even before birth, gets his place in the structure of his kind. But what kind of energy a person will leave for his relatives, it becomes clear only when his life ends. We should not be afraid to talk about a deceased person, tell more about him to children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It is very good if there are legends of the genus. If a person lived his life with dignity, he remains forever in the hearts of the living, and the process of mourning will be directed to a good memory of him.
