The death of the closest person - mother - can knock anyone out of balance for many months and even years. Faced with adversity, a person seems to forget that death, like birth, is due to the natural order of things in nature, and it is important to be able to get out of a state of boundless grief in time in order to have the strength to move on. How to deal with the death of a loved one? Psychologist's advice will help the mourner to come to terms with himself and gradually return to normal life.
Grieving Behavior Analysis
Psychologists note that in the first two weeks after the tragedy, virtually any reaction of orphaned children on the mountain is considered normal, whether it is a state of disbelief and apparent peace or aggression unusual for the object. Any feature of behavior these days is a consequence of the process of restructuring attachments in that part of a person’s life that mother has hitherto occupied.
A sudden feeling of emptiness in nature does not always mean death, it also serves as a signal to us aboutsudden loss. This explains the unstable behavior of people who, after the death of their mother, either fall into a “waiting mode”, or begin to blame others for the injustice. The image of a loved one appears to them in the crowd, his voice is heard from the telephone receiver; sometimes it seems to them that the sad news was erroneous, and everything remains the same, you just have to wait or get the truth from outsiders.
If the mother's relationship with her children was conflicting and ambivalent, or showed a strong dependence on both sides, the experience of grief may be pathological and expressed in an exaggerated reaction or in delayed emotions. It is also bad if social torments are added to the process of natural experience of loss: what will relatives think, how will mourning of an employee in the work team be perceived?
Experts insist - no difficulty in understanding the situation by others should affect the psychological need for a person to go through all the stages of mourning with a measured step. If the mourner has an urgent need after the death of the mother to complete some things that were important to her and spend time on solving her lifetime tasks, then this must be done. If he wants to live a little longer according to the rules she once established, then this should not be hindered either.
Over time, understanding the importance of leading one's own full life and competent placement of accents in favor of pressing problems will transfer the attitude towards the image of the deceased mother to a deeper, spiritual level. As a rule, this happens a year after the familytragedy and is the natural end of a period of mourning.
Stages of mourning
Each stage of the conventionally designated period of mourning (it is customary to limit it to an annual cycle) is characterized by experiencing certain emotions, different in intensity and duration of experience. During the entire indicated time, the acuteness of emotional unrest can regularly return to a person, and it is not at all necessary that the stages of the stages will be observed in the given order.
Sometimes it may seem that a person, having come to peace of mind, has completely passed one or another phase, but this assumption is always wrong. It’s just that all people show their grief in different ways, and the demonstration of some of the “symptoms” of the classic picture of grief is simply not characteristic of them. In other cases, a person, on the contrary, can get stuck for a long time at stages that best suit his state of mind, or even return after a long time to an already passed stage and start all the way from the middle.
It is very important, especially for someone whose mother died "in her arms", that is, who survived the whole horror of the tragedy with direct participation, not to try to overcome his grief and not "keep up". For at least another week after the funeral, a person should be away from everyday hustle and bustle, immersed in his pain so much that after a while she herself began to displace and outlive herself. It’s good if there is someone nearby who can tirelessly support and listen to the mourner.
Denial
The countdown of the stages of experiencing grief begins from the moment when a person learns about the misfortune that has befallen him, and the first wave of reaction comes from his side. Otherwise, the stage of denial is called shock, which is the best way to characterize the onset of the following symptoms:
- distrust;
- irritation towards the bringer of the message;
- numbness;
- an attempt to refute the obvious fact of death;
- inappropriate behavior towards the deceased mother (trying to call her, waiting for her for dinner, etc.)
As a rule, the first stage lasts until the funeral, when a person can no longer deny what has happened. Relatives are advised to protect the mourners from preparing for the funeral ceremony and let them speak out, throw out all the emotions that primarily express bewilderment and resentment. It is useless to console a person who is at the stage of denial - information of this kind will not be perceived by him.
Anger
After the realization of the tragedy comes the state: "Mom died, I feel bad, and someone is to blame for this." A person begins to experience anger, bordering on strong directed aggression against relatives, doctors, or even just those who are indifferent to what happened. Feelings such as:
- envy of those who are alive and well;
- attempts to identify the culprit (for example, if the mother died in the hospital);
- withdrawal from society, self-isolation;
- demonstrating your pain to others with a reproachful context ("it was my mother who died - it hurts me, not you").
Condolences and other manifestations of sympathy during this period can be perceived by a person with aggression, so it is better to express your participation with actual help in settling all the necessary formalities and just a willingness to be there.
"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"
The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep introspection and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone hits religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone executes himself with guilt, scrolling in his head scenarios of what could have been, but never happened.
The following signs will tell about the onset of the third stage of grief experience:
- frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine conduct (among esotericists - about fate and karma);
- visiting prayer houses, temples, other energy-strong places;
- half-sleep-half-awake state - a person now and then hits memories, plays in his head scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past;
- often the prevailing feeling is one's own guilt towards the deceased ("mother died, and I don't cry", "I didn't love her enough").
In this period, if it drags on, there is a great risk of losing most of the friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away themselves.
From the point of view of psychology, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Anger, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have so far kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of their grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disturbed, the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats immoderate portions). Signs of mental and physical fading are pronounced.
Final stage - "Acceptance"
The final stage of grief can be divided into two successive phases: “acceptance” and “rebirth”. Depression disappears gradually, as if dissipating in pieces, and a person begins to think about the need for his further development. He is already trying to be in public more often, agreeing to make new acquaintances.
Experienced grief, if it systematically followed through all the stages and did not "get stuck" for a long time on the most negative episodes, makes a person's perception sharper, and his attitude to a past life more critical. Often, having endured a bereavement and coped with his pain, a person grows spiritually significantly and is able to radically change his life if it has ceased to suit him in some way.
Right on the mountain
How to survive the death of a loved one? The advice of psychologists on this matter converge on one important point - grief cannot be hushed up in oneself. It was not in vain that our ancestors created and conveyed through the centuries to modern man a complex and mandatory formula for saying goodbye to the deceased,which includes a large number of ritual episodes related to burial, funeral service, commemoration. All this helped the relatives of the deceased to feel their loss more deeply, let it pass through them with a whole range of negative emotions. And at the end of the key ceremony - the anniversary of death - be reborn for the next stage of life.
Here's what experts answer the question of what to do if mom died:
- welcome any positive memories of the deceased, especially in the first 2-3 months after the funeral;
- cry and cry again - every time you have the opportunity, alone and in the presence of your loved ones - tears clear your thoughts and calm your nervous system;
- don't be afraid to talk about the deceased with a person who is ready to listen;
- admit your weakness and don't try to be strong.
What to do if a mother dies in the same house where her children live? Some people are hesitant to violate the sacred environment for them in the house or room of the deceased mother, creating a semblance of a home museum dedicated to the deceased. Under no circumstances should this be done! After the 40 days laid down by the church, it is necessary, if not immediately, but to begin to get rid of all the things (ideally, furniture) of the deceased, distributing everything to those in need. When nothing more is left, in the room where the woman lived, you need to do at least a small rearrangement and general cleaning.
Guilt - justified or not?
It is difficult to find a person who, after the death of his mother, would never reproach himselfthe fact that he devoted less time to her than he should have, was little tactful or stingy with the manifestations of emotions. Guilt is a normal subconscious response to a sudden feeling of emptiness after the loss of a loved one. However, sometimes it can take on pathological proportions.
Sometimes a person practically torments himself with thoughts that at the moment of accepting the news of the death of his mother, he felt relieved. This is a frequent occurrence if the last days of a woman were overshadowed by a debilitating illness or caring for her was difficult for relatives. What to do? If the mother died under such circumstances, the way out of the trap of constant self-accusations will be a “heart-to-heart talk” with the image of a loved one stored in memory. There is no need to prepare special exculpatory speeches - just ask your mother for forgiveness in your own words for all your mistakes and mistakes, and then thank the mental image of the deceased for every minute spent together.
It is recommended to do this in a calm atmosphere at home or alone at the monument to mom.
How to bury mom
What to do if mom died? Traditionally, the deceased is buried no later than the third day after death, however, during this period, the children of the deceased are still in the stage of shock, and they are not able to take care of all the formalities on their own. The main care for organizing the ceremony, as well as a significant share of the material costs, should be borne by relatives and friends of the family. The very essence of the ritual of parting with the body of the mother is no different from the standard procedure.
What children of the deceased should knowabout how to bury mom:
- children of the deceased cannot participate in the transfer of the coffin or its lid;
- everyone who came to the funeral should be called to a memorial dinner, honor everyone with attention, thank;
- the rest of the food is not thrown away from the tables, but distributed to people leaving the commemoration so that they continue their meal at home;
- you can’t arrange magnificent feasts, it is also not recommended to arrange a ritual dinner in a restaurant.
Another important point that Orthodox priests strongly insist on: wherever a tragic event occurs, the body of the deceased must spend the night in the walls of her home on the eve of the funeral.
40 days since my mother died: what to do?
On the fortieth it is customary to say goodbye to the soul of the deceased, which from now on will forever break away from earthly life and begin its journey in a different state. Children should come to their mother's grave with flowers and a funeral kutya in a clean saucer or jar. It is forbidden to drink and eat at the cemetery on this day, as well as to leave alcohol or other food on the grave, except for the brought kutya.
On the fortieth day, a place for the future monument to mother should already be fenced off, however, it will be possible to install it no earlier than the anniversary. Now you just need to put things in order on the grave mound and around it: remove the wreaths and dried flowers (all this should be thrown into a special pit in the cemetery or burned immediately outside the graveyard), pull out the weeds, light the lamp.
After cleaning, all comers need to stand silently overgrave, remembering only good things about the deceased and tuning in to quiet sadness, without anguish and lamentations. A funeral dinner is served at home or in a ritual cafe and, according to the rules, should be extremely modest. Leftover food after the meal is also distributed among those present, and sweets (sweets and cookies) necessarily arranged in vases on the table are distributed to children.
