Such inevitable life events as the loss of loved ones cannot be undone, and one can almost never prepare for them: trouble comes suddenly and finds a person in all his defenselessness before external forces. The desire to help a friend or relative who finds himself in misfortune requires from his neighbor not only his presence, but also a sense of tact and the ability to find the right words. How to support a person who has lost a loved one, and with what necessary phrases to restore his broken peace of mind?
How to deal with a person experiencing loss
There is no “right time” to express condolences: words of support for a person who has lost a loved one are appropriate both a day and a year after an unfortunate event. Far less tactful than offering belated regrets would be to ignore the sad news altogether and treat the person as if nothing had happened.happened.
The most difficult thing for someone who sincerely wants to help the grieving is to defend his intention to be with him. Despite the fact that the unfortunate person really needs a friendly shoulder, his first impulse after the stage of shock will be to abstract from the familiar world, to remain alone, to “plunge” into his despair. He may not answer the phone, not go to the door, and even rudely reject any offer of help, but this does not mean that loneliness brings him relief - he is simply not able to play any public role.
What to say to a person who has lost a loved one? A big mistake in the first days after an accident is an attempt to divert a person to everyday worries, load him with responsibility for children and financial situation, "appeal to a sense of duty." Nothing good will come of it.
A person is able to suppress an attack of despair in himself in order to perform manipulations on ritual procedures and even show some activity in the household, but his unspoken grief will not go anywhere and will only go deeper into consciousness.
If there is no desire to be intrusive or the existing relationship with the one who has lost the closest person does not allow him to be given excessive attention (we are talking about a work colleague or housemate), then it is enough to put your condolences in the right words. It is important that this is not an empty verbal formula like: “well, you hold on” or “everything will work out”. If nothing else comes to mind, it would be more appropriate to remain completely silent and just hug the mourner.
Right on the mountain
In the modern world, people have forgotten how to treat grief as a natural state that accompanies a person throughout certain life periods. Death and illness of relatives, personal dramas - it has become customary to shade all this into a mass of unnecessary actions that can only create the illusion of control over the situation.
Grieving hours have become a platform for self-reflection. Now, even from well-known psychologists, one can hear such phrases as: “This trouble made you make a leap forward” or “This grief contributed to your spiritual growth.” And people, discouraged by such a view of their personal misfortune, suddenly begin to believe in some mythical benefit that came to them with the death of a loved one. Or if they do not begin to believe, they feel deep heartache from such cynicism.
How to help a person who has lost a loved one? The first and most important rule in this situation is not to interfere with his grief. In fact, such apparent inaction next to the mourner is more difficult for the condoling than violent activity - it seems to them that their presence is in the way, and falsehood is heard in their own words. However, a person who has lost a loved one does not need words at all, they can be said only once: “I understand everything, I am always with you”, and then only be at arm's length.
A person is able to survive the worst grief and maintain his sanity only if he is not alone. Being close is the most important help to people,those who have lost loved ones, and whether the mourner reacts positively to this presence at the moment or not, they will later be very grateful for it.
Stages of grief
During stress, a person ceases to take care of himself, may forget or lose the desire to eat, take hygiene procedures, and even at least occasionally go out into the fresh air. Helping the mourner at such moments is to gently and unobtrusively remind him of the need to perform certain actions and make sure that the person performs them on time. What words to say to a person who has lost a loved one? Anyone who would constantly remind him that he is not alone, that he is taken care of and, most importantly, that he is understood.
It is equally important from the point of view of maintaining a he althy mind of a person to control the dynamics of his release from a position of hopelessness and gradually strengthen his self-confidence. In order for the process to pass with minimal pain, one should know the features and critical time periods of passing through all stages of overcoming grief.
In total, psychologists call four stages of the return of the mourner to normal life. With good support and with the ability to maintain communications with the outside world, a person goes through all phases sequentially, without returning to the previous state and not getting stuck at each stage for a long time.
Shock stage
It normally takes the shortest period of time compared to the rest: from several hours to three days. The clinical picture of the human condition is:
- he does not believe in what is happening;
- the external state of the individual can be characterized as calm;
- there is reaction inhibition;
- possible hysterical seizures, sudden mood swings from strong excitement to complete indifference;
- in individual cases, a person can persistently deny what is happening and even invent their own story about the forced departure of the deceased or his betrayal (leaving) from the family.
The stage of shock is dangerous because it can "drag" a person for a long time. Once created, the illusion that the deceased is alive and well, but is in an untimely departure, can linger for many years, and the individual, whose consciousness thus resists reality, is ready to defend his version, regardless of the arguments.
What words of comfort to say to a person who has lost a loved one? At the first stage of experiencing grief, any condolences, attempts to talk the grieving, are unnecessary. It is impossible to seek an answer from him to the question of further intentions, to ask if he needs anything. Most likely, having shaken off the state of the first shock, a person will not remember at all what he did or said in terrible hours for him.
People who take part in the life of the grieving will have to deal with organizational and everyday issues: correct the necessary documents, call the relatives of the deceased, accept the first wave of condolences, from which loved ones can only become bitter. Even cooking a simple meal, washing dishes, or routine housekeepingwill be a great help to someone who himself is not yet able to realize the importance of each of these daily concerns.
Acute Stage
After the stage of shock comes the most acute phase of mourning, characterized by such signs of the state of the individual as:
- resentment for everyone: both those who take a deep part in the family tragedy ("they are doing well, but I'm bad"), and those who seem less touched by misfortune ("no one is before me affairs");
- not understanding how this could happen and why it happened to him;
- aggression accompanied by reproaches or denial of the need for outside help;
- often - increased tearfulness, demanding everyone's attention to their problem and even excessive demonstration of their grief.
How to calm a person who has lost a loved one? The condoling person is obliged to muffle and in every possible way smooth out his response to the unfair statements of the mourner, even if it will be difficult. Any negative return will cause an immediate response in the form of aggression, so if a person does not have such baggage of moral endurance, it is better for him not to be constantly near the one who has lost a loved one. What to say to a person during this period?
As before, despite the denial, the mourner needs understanding, but even more he needs to know that those around him constantly remember his misfortune and experience the bitterness of loss in the same intensity. During this period, one should not be afraid to show sympathy and, without fear of seeming banal,say heartfelt phrases: “I understand you so much!”, “How do you cope with all this!”, “How much courage you have!”.
It is normal for an acute state of grief to last from 3 to 10 weeks. If this time period has dragged on for more than 3 months, it is worth considering whether the personal tragedy of the mourner has turned into a means of manipulating others?
Awareness phase
The third stage is easily distinguished from the previous one by the arrival of the so-called spiritual decline. The mood of the mourner changes less and less until it takes on the position of a stable and depressed one, but with all this there is a positive side: the person already stops living in the past and begins to think about how to live in the future. This period is just perfect to start asking him questions that suggest further actions.
What to say to a person who has lost a loved one? First of all, you should find out what kind and amount of help he still needs. A widower who has lost his wife may need help with housework for a long time, but he is already able to take on some elementary manipulations of cooking and cleaning.
Almost always, the stage of awareness is characterized for the mourner by an acute desire to speak out, to complain, to remember the past. One thing is required from a protege condoling during periods of such talkativeness - to express full attention and readiness to agree with everything that has been said, without giving any advice and without interrupting the monologue with personal remarks. Usually afterin a state of elation, a person again falls into a minor mood, and here the tasks of the assistant change - he needs to become a generator of ideas and not allow a friend to wallow in inactivity and longing.
In another category of people, any obsessive attention from the outside in moments of grief causes severe irritation. Therefore, if a person who was not very communicative even in ordinary times says that he is tired of everything and wants to be alone, this should be heeded immediately.
Acceptance stage: final
The last stage is often also called the rehabilitation stage, since a person during this period is likened to a person recovering from a serious illness: he again awakens interest in life, a desire to communicate and like the opposite sex. In time, this stage often coincides with the celebration of the anniversary of the death of a loved one, which is very symbolic. After the commemoration ceremony corresponding to the date, the mourner seems to be freed from his shackles and feels able to continue living fully.
People who are unfamiliar with the state of spiritual renewal after prolonged mourning may not be clear what words to say to a person who has lost a loved one and has already gone through all stages of grief. There is no single recipe for building a conversation here, but it should be remembered that the misfortune that happened is still alive in the memory of the unfortunate person, and he is not able to instantly merge into the usual routine of secular life. No need to try to arouse in him an artificial interest in past entertainment, push him to meet new people - thiswill only scare away the convalescent.
Mistakes to Avoid
Unskilled help, especially provided “under pressure” or solely due to close family ties with the mourner, can distort the very meaning of support. Both a dismissive attitude towards misfortune and an excessive, all-consuming attention to it will turn out to be dangerous.
Definitely what not to do when you are involved in the life of a bereaved, and what to say when you feel like things have gone wrong:
- it is necessary to exclude from your behavior and speech any patterns that can give out a formal attitude towards the personal tragedy of another person;
- if all the worries about the mourner have already been distributed among relatives, you should not look for any way to contribute - sometimes only third-party observation will help to better see the real needs of a person;
- it is better to avoid talking on the topics: “life does not end”, “it will still get better” - a person in moments of grief is not able to look into the future with optimism, and such pathos can irritate him;
- do not bombard a person with questions, asking him to describe in detail all his current needs;
- It is categorically impossible to adapt to the emotional line of the mourner: cry, blame fate for injustice, act helplessly.
It often happens that a person who has already experienced the first wave of grief begins to see the benefits of universal self-pity and use this to the detriment of benefactors. For example, don't rushreturn to work if friends have already taken care of his material support, or again take up the upbringing of children who are successfully cared for by grandmothers. In such a situation, you need to directly discuss with the person the boundaries beyond which help can no longer extend, and assure him that he will not be left without support if he returns part of his former obligations.
Advice from psychologists
The most serious "psychological poison", according to experts, is the desire of loved ones to protect a person from the inevitable stress associated with loss at all costs. It is as if a person is immersed in a kind of vacuum, not allowing him to meet with his misfortune and feel it, they are pumped up with sedatives, misinformed. As a result, the desired reaction still occurs, but this happens with a great delay and, as a rule, is accompanied by mental disorders.
Psychologists working in extreme situations recommend telling the truth in all cases, not only the one that exists at the moment, but also the one that awaits a person after a shock period. The victim must be competently informed that a difficult time of mental imbalance awaits him, which he will have to endure, difficult emotional experiences that should not be avoided or feared.
A person needs to clearly understand that everything that happens and will happen to him is normal and inevitable. The pain will subside, giving way to light sadness, but all the time that the difficult process takes, there will be relatives nearby who are ready to help with real actions. NeedIt should be noted that confidence in the ability of someone to provide real help, and not just verbal support by phone, is one of the most significant elements of helping in difficult times.
How to understand that a person needs the help of a psychologist
What to do if you have lost a loved one or take part in the life of someone who is experiencing this tragedy? It is important to understand that all people are different, and what is the norm for one is unnatural and incomprehensible to another.
There are people who cope with their grief and return to a full life 3-5 months after the misfortune, and this does not mean their soullessness or lack of love for the departed. And there are those for whom the annual cycle is not enough, injuring with constant reminders of holidays and important dates spent with the deceased.
In general, a year is a nominal unit of the mourning period, adopted by psychologists as a relative norm for the period of mourning. A person, living the next 365 days after the loss of a loved one, as if compares his life "before" and "after", and this process brings him a lot of suffering. When the cycle goes into the second round, the sharpness of the moments of significant dates is already significantly smoothed out, and the experiences are in the nature of “quiet sadness.”
If this is not the case, and more than a year after the tragedy, a person continues to execute himself and others with endless depression and attacks of aggression, he should be consulted by a psychologist. Perhaps there was a “stuck” at some of the stages of experiencing grief, or for some reason the person was thrown backto one of the already passed stages of awareness of unhappiness. In any case, further inaction on the part of the relatives of the mourner becomes dangerous and threatens to develop a mental disorder.
