A distinctive feature of women who voluntarily live with a person with alcoholism is excessive sacrifice and a willingness to give many times more than is expected to be received in return. The wives of pathological drunkards sincerely believe in their ability to change the situation for the better, but in fact they do everything to prevent this from happening, making one mistake after another, common to all codependent people. How to refuse the role of the eternal victim and what is the psychological advice for the wives of alcoholics?
Alcoholism and family life
Despite the fact that (according to statistics) marriages where husbands suffer from alcoholism are quite long, it is rather difficult to call family life the existence that spouses eke out under one roof. Particularly detrimental to marital relations are such factors that accompany addiction as insincerity, self-centeredness, emotional alienation. These circumstances, to one degree or another, always become more complicated naturally.emerging derivatives: aggression, manipulative behavior, lowering the threshold of morality.
More about the main aspects of the behavior of an alcoholic that affect the quality of marital relationships:
- Insincerity. The alcoholic lies throughout his relationship with the chosen one. First - in order to hide your vice as long as possible, then - to create the illusion of freedom of your choice (“I can quit when I want”). When the disease becomes obvious, the alcoholic no longer lies to defend his position, but to get away from family negativity, get money for drinks, etc.
- Egocentric. The life of an alcoholic is subordinated only to his own interests and desires, with a complete disregard for the needs of those who live nearby. Sometimes, in his “sober minutes”, others may get the impression that a man sincerely takes care of his family, but this characterization of his behavior is erroneous.
- Emotional detachment (cooling). During periods of binges or under the influence of daily consumed alcohols, an alcoholic demonstrates a characteristic pattern of behavior of complete detachment from his other half, up to the manifestation of antipathy or even disgust for his wife. Other members of the family, where there is a drinker, also note a similar attitude towards themselves.
The moral character of an alcoholic is so deformed by the contradictions tearing him apart that even cheating on his wife does not seem abnormal to him. Moreover, he willingly admits the very fact of the incident, justifying himself by the fact that at the time of the betrayal he was under the influence of alcohol. ATin some cases, this sounds like an excuse for the deceived wife of an alcoholic, but this is recorded only in the case of the victim syndrome that has “taken root” in her.
Codependency Syndrome
The co-dependence of the wife of an alcoholic on her drinking husband is formed as a woman realizes the depth of the fall of a loved one. At the first stage, receiving evidence of her husband's illness, a woman tries to deny the obvious, then she guesses the seriousness of the situation, and only then asks for clarification.
As binge drinking or individual cases of alcohol use become more frequent, a woman begins to fight for the "return" of her husband, using various means of manipulation and control:
- destruction of bottles of alcohol found in the house;
- blocking her husband's access to money;
- attracting close relatives to persuasion;
- spontaneously turning to narcologists without the consent of the spouse;
- threats of divorce (deprivation of parental rights, etc.).
The result of all these actions is one - the mental strength of the wife of an alcoholic is undermined, and her own interests and needs of other family members fade into the background for her. Unbeknownst to herself, a woman herself is sinking morally and physically, and this situation can persist for many years.
The co-dependent behavior of the wives of alcoholics can be explained by a false sense of guilt and responsibility for the well-being of a degraded spouse. It seems to them that they “overlooked”, “didn’t understand in time”, “didn’t protect” their beloved from harmful temptations and now they are obliged to pull outa man from the nets of vice. As if punishing themselves for their mistakes, women cease to monitor their he alth and appearance, do not sleep at night, eat somehow and deny themselves any pleasures.
Specialists note the following characteristic points in the psychology of the behavior of the wives of alcoholics:
- Prevailing guilt and self-shame.
- Anxiety, constant expectation of future misfortunes.
- Self-isolation from society, fear of judgment, secrecy.
- Low self-esteem, expressed in the belief that she is no longer able to be attractive and hope for a better life.
- Denial of an alcohol problem in the family.
- The desire to devote all free time to a drunk spouse, his problems and current needs.
- Delaying the needs of children and other relatives, and increasing neglect of their real responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, checking homework, attending school meetings).
The specificity of the psychology of the wives of alcoholics who find themselves in the trap of co-dependence is that by transferring to themselves most of the responsibility of another person, they satisfy their need to be irreplaceable for someone. Somewhere in the depths of their minds, unhappy women do not consider themselves worthy of a better life and therefore willingly put up with a “hard fate.”
Marry an alcoholic
Codependence on an alcoholic, from the point of view of psychology, is the same disease as the very addiction to drinking and, just likealcoholism can be passed down from generation to generation. In a family where there is a father or older brother who suffers from alcoholism, a special model of behavior is formed for all women living there, including little girls. From an early age, a child watches how the mother acts as an eternal savior and comforter, and the idealization of the image of the mother completes the programming of the situation for the future.
As a rule, alcoholics who have not yet sunk to the “bottom” are quite charismatic and capable of such manifestations of “wide” gestures as generosity, empathy, love. Having fallen in love or having outlined a future “victim” for manipulation, a drinking man can be very charming, shower his girlfriend with gifts (but more often with the promise of them), rush the wedding or incline to live together. If a girl’s childhood with an eternally drunk father passed before her eyes, her betrothed’s love of drinking will not seem catastrophic to her, and she will most likely accept this fact.
Another version of the development of the same prospect of marriage for a girl who grew up in an alcoholic family is a childhood spent under the terror of a despot father who got drunk and kept the whole family in fear. Not wanting to face the former horror, the young lady will subconsciously try to find herself a quiet, even weak-willed groom, incapable of aggressive attacks. But the fact is that this type of character also reflects the common psychotype of the “quiet” drunkard, so the scenario of the future new generation will be played out again, but in a different interpretation.
Psycho personality types of wivesalcoholics
All drinking people are highly insecure individuals who need only one thing - to keep their comfort zone intact, and they will achieve this by all means available to them. In turn, the wives of alcoholic husbands also find some advantages in their unsightly existence that prevent them from making the fight against family trouble at least a little productive.
Psychologists have information about several types of co-dependent women living in the same area with drinking spouses:
- "Mom-wife". The most common variant of the behavior of wives of alcoholics, perceiving the harmful addiction of their husbands as some form of helplessness and infantilism. The indulgent wife-mother expresses her concern for the “big child” in his complete removal from all types of responsibility and voluntary taking on the functions of a breadwinner and a sister of mercy at the same time.
- "Martyr". These women make their "going through the torments" available to all who are ready to express their sympathy to them or even just listen. It seems to them that the suffering they endure elevates them above “prosperous” women, gives them a gloss of mystery and the weight of life experience.
- "Potchitsa". These women endure martyrdom unquestioningly and are even afraid to take out their pain "into the people." Their main goal is to preserve the peace of mind of a violent spouse and maintain a decent appearance in the family. The extremely low self-esteem of the “sweepers” allows them to spend many years in virtual silence, and therefore marriages held at such a price are rarelyend in divorce.
- "The Hidden Aggressor". The most rare type of wives of drunken alcoholics, whose authority in society is earned by a favorable comparison with a loser husband. They rarely decide to dissolve a marriage with a drinking chosen one, as this threatens them with debunking the beautiful legend of "beauty and the beast." The husbands of such women, as a rule, are unrequited quiet, ready to endure any insults against them for the opportunity to continue drinking further.
Psychologists note that none of the presented characteristics is a constant indicator of a woman's behavior towards her drinking spouse. Within a short time, the sacrificial role of the unfortunate woman can be replaced by a dictatorial one, and the persecutor, that is, the husband, can become oppressed.
Psychologists about codependency syndrome
It is noteworthy that in families where the mood of loved ones is dictated by one heavy drinker, the he alth of all women is seriously undermined. Even adolescent girls who are aware of their helplessness in the face of a distorted model of building intra-family relationships suffer from diseases atypical for age. The most common symptoms that are common to the wives and children of an alcoholic, psychologists call tearfulness, anxiety, melancholy, irritability. The lack of sleep and the ability to fully relax is compensated by many women with an increased craving for food, less often with a lack of appetite.
According to experts, the specific behavior of the wives of pathological alcoholics is evident already at the initial consultation. More oftenIn general, women demonstrate inconsistency in speech, increased nervousness, and ex altation. With the explicit position of the victim, this is a demonstration of childish "offended" behavior, ostentatious humility, followed by a heated defense of one's opinion.
Behavior, which speaks of maintaining the integrity of nature and an unbroken inner core, is revealed in another symptomatic picture:
- avoiding a painful topic;
- coherent speech expressing inner dignity;
- fear of speaking compromisingly towards the patient;
- avoiding unnecessary acquaintances and limiting your stay in society.
The manifestation of a he althy reaction to the husband's alcoholism is observed mainly in women with an undeformed idea of the norms of family behavior. This happens when a married life up to a certain period could be considered prosperous, and then something happened and the family way familiar to a woman began to collapse before her eyes.
Consequences of codependency for women's he alth
The inability to look deep into the problem and realize their involvement in the spouse's illness (the origin of involvement will be discussed later) makes women perceive their illnesses that arose on the basis of neuroses as a set of individual symptoms. Treatment, if carried out at all, is therefore also symptomatic and usually includes sedatives or psycholeptics, gastric drugs, etc. It is clear that no tangible results against the background of the ongoing life dramasuch therapy does not bring.
Most often, the wives of alcoholics develop diseases of the following systems:
- cardiovascular: hypertension, angina pectoris, VVD, atherosclerosis;
- respiratory: respiratory neurosis (suffocation), asthma;
- digestive: gastritis, peptic ulcer, enteritis;
- endocrine: diseases of the pancreas and thyroid glands;
- sensory: psoriasis, eczema and other types of dermatitis.
Depending on the degree of immersion in the problems of a drinking husband or on the desire to move away from them, a woman's attitude to her own misfortune is also formed. The most unfavorable response to declining he alth is the lack of motivation for medical examination and treatment. Another form of attitude towards discovered pathologies – a panicky search for the best methods of treatment, fear of death, chaotic use of drugs – leads to no less disastrous consequences than completely ignoring the situation.
Both forms of reaction produce on an outside observer a painful impression of absurd behavior trying to attract attention, but a specialist will immediately determine the signs of the development of a dangerous hypochondriacal state of personality disorder. A woman immersed in her inner pain needs immediate psychological help and support from her relatives, regardless of their attitude towards the culprit of the situation - the drinking spouse.
The path to freedom from codependency
What to do for the wives of alcoholics who have realized the impossibilityachieve the desired results by taking independent measures? Contact the drug rehabilitation center, where specialists also closely deal with the problems of co-dependent family members.
Psychological help for the wives of alcoholics is to give them the right idea about the trouble they are facing, which has already become part of themselves. It is necessary to make a woman realize that she is not responsible for her husband's addiction and should not pay for it with her own mental and physical resources.
All the advice of psychologists to the wives of alcoholics can be divided into two categories:
- Work on yourself: adjusting your attitude to your husband's illness and finding such tactics of behavior that would satisfy the woman herself first of all, and other family members second.
- Formation in the house of such conditions under which the patient himself would realize the need to undergo rehabilitation and return to normal life.
The very guide to freeing yourself from the fetters of codependency and returning your husband to the family will seem cruel to many women in relation to an alcoholic, however, psychologists emphasize the need to take exactly the measures described, without trying to mitigate them.
Step 1: Let go of controlling behavior
The desire in everything to control their unreliable soul mate among co-dependent women is so great that it goes beyond all boundaries of adequate behavior. To control the wife of alcoholics, they choose tactics according to theirin my opinion, the most effective, and it can be a severe form of restriction of the freedom of a drinking spouse or a moderately mild, manipulative one.
The differences between these two controlling behaviors are obvious:
- Direct control is a method of direct coercion in the form of instructions, threats and other actions that humiliate a person and block his will.
- Manipulation is a more subtle form of coercion, never using direct statements and demands, but as the main method of influence, it involves pressure on the guilt of the "punished".
In the process of needing to achieve certain steps from an alcoholic, a soft effect on his psyche can be replaced by a hard one. Despite the fact that any positive effect obtained as a result of such manipulations is temporary and always has a number of negative consequences, women return to tried tactics again and again.
The repetitive scenario, inevitably leading to defeat, exacerbates the already painful mental state of the co-dependent wife of an alcoholic. At the same time, there is practically nowhere to wait for help, the future seems uncertain, and all the past stages of difficulties are striking in their senselessness. Is there a way out of this situation?
The first piece of advice given to wives of alcoholics by an addict psychologist is to stop controlling. It is necessary to “let go” not only questions related to the husband taking strong drinks, but also related to various everyday moments of his life: eating, timely going to bed. At the same time, you should start studying (although it is very difficult) to spend the free time on yourself, children, parents.
From the stories they heard from the wives of alcoholics, psychologists made an amazing conclusion. Despite the highest degree of selfishness, even an inveterate “drunkard” becomes uneasy when, instead of a woman exhausted by worries about him, he begins to see a well-groomed and attractive lady in front of him. This greatly hurts their shabby self-esteem and at least encourages them to comply with their spouse.
Step 2: Total Dive
Over time, the rejection of controlling behavior will play the role of a "trigger" for a drinking person - he realizes himself left to himself and feels, first of all, the horror of feeling his "uselessness", "forgetfulness". An understanding will come that with dynamic progress in the same direction, he will lose not only the material component of his life, but also the society of people who still take an ardent part in it.
The alcoholic's final realization of the fallacy of his path occurs at a moment of serious moral shock provoked by his previous wrong actions. Usually this is a dismissal from work with a disgraceful certification, a serious illness, a divorce, or a meeting with successful acquaintances from a “former” life. This important stage, accompanied by full awareness of one's immersion in the social bottom, is the key to the formation of a new life position in an alcoholic.
Final stage
The coming moment of insight does not mean that a person will immediately stop drinking; it is possible that even going to an appointment with a narcologist will become an impossible task for him, and here it is necessary to show due care and help him take decisive action. What should the wife of an alcoholic do in this case? Schedule your spouse for a consultation with the doctor, tidy up his clothes, and possibly go with him for an initial examination so that all his enthusiasm does not disappear ahead of time.
However, rejoicing at the awakened desire of her husband to "get on the right path", women often overdo it and again make the old mistake, turning into all-consensual pleasers. Feeling a return to the previous comfortable state, the spouse, in fact, understands that there is no need to change anything, and history repeats itself.
What psychologists advise wives of alcoholics not to do under any circumstances:
- persuade her husband to be treated or at least "go to see the doctor once";
- to take full care of the spouse's things, while he does not even strive to simply maintain the order put in place by others;
- give him free access to money if he himself does not work;
- "get away with" the disappearance of household utensils, appliances, the proceeds from which obviously go to drink;
- to search for a spouse in all acquaintances and hospitals during periods of his binges, if he disappeared before.
A woman needs, without any terror and gross manipulation, to create such an environment in the house that the alcoholic constantly feels "out of place" andI saw for myself the only way to a successful outcome - this is the restoration of a worthy social status. Any hesitation of the spouse - a sudden flash of pity for the "lost", the desire to protect him from cruel realities - will only worsen the situation and make living together unbearable.
