Have you ever met people who constantly complain about their lives, but at the same time do not change anything in it? Does this philosophy of life surprise you? You shouldn't be surprised. This approach to your life is called secondary benefit in psychology. A person, having stumbled once and realizing that one can benefit from suffering, will stumble again and again. Let's take a closer look at this syndrome.
Definition
What is secondary benefit? A similar syndrome is a habit of a person to benefit from his misfortune. A person, finding himself in a difficult situation, for example, falling ill, can revel in his grief. A person will feel bad, but at the same time he will be surrounded by care and love. The person doesn't have to do anything. You can lie on the couch all day and watch your favorite TV shows. From the outside it will seem that the person is suffering. After all, high temperature, constant droppers and injections will seem like hard labor. But personashe will agree to endure such tortures of her body, if only to get the benefit that comes with feeling unwell. And it's not just the perpetually ill that benefit. Individuals who suffer from loneliness, live with a small salary or with a tyrant husband, also endure their deplorable situation for a reason. They enjoy the situation they are in. Such persons cannot be called masochists. After all, they derive significant benefits for themselves and consider relative inconveniences a small price to pay for all the other delights that life gives.
Emerging Benefits
How does secondary benefit arise? The idea that you can benefit from your grief comes to mind only to deeply unhappy or notorious people. A normal person will not dare to correct his condition in this way. Why does the unfortunate take a desperate step? He believes that he has nothing to lose, that the end will justify the means. For example, a single mother who is used to living alone with a child may seem completely unhappy in appearance. Any sane person would advise a woman to find a worthy father for her child. But a woman will refuse such proposals and for the sake of appearances even go on dates from time to time. But soon the lady will realize that the state funding program for single mothers is not so bad. A woman does not have to work hard, the state makes monthly contributions, which, although with difficulty, are enough to live on. A woman doesn't need a man. The lady is not sure that her new chosen onewill be better than the old one. But after marrying a second time, a woman will lose all her privileges. Therefore, the lady does not even try to improve her personal life, why, if the woman is satisfied with everything.
Fear benefits
Cowardly people are not shy about admitting this trait. What secondary benefit can there be from fear? A person who is terribly afraid of everything in the world can similarly cover up his laziness. For example, friends will offer a person to the sea. But in order to go on vacation, you need to save up money, choose a hotel, book a hotel and think over an entertainment program. Or you can do nothing, hiding behind the fear of flying. A person can say that he is terrified of flying, and this will sound like a pretty decent excuse. No one can blame him for being afraid, because few people can make out the true reason for the refusal behind the outer mask.
The secondary benefit of fear can work not only with flights, but with any other activity. For example, a person may be afraid of water. It’s not as embarrassing to tell others that you are afraid of water as to admit that you can’t swim. For some reason, in our society, it is customary to treat unconscious fears positively, but the absence of some skill is negative.
Benefits from self-doubt
Secondary gain in psychology always has some background and is rooted in some kind of human complex. Most often the problems of all peopleare formed in childhood. That is where the answer is to be found. A person who suffers from low self-esteem and who does not want to change the situation in any way can be quite happy. It may seem doubtful to someone the happiness of a person who cannot show his character. But if you think about it, you can understand that he just does not want to take responsibility. After all, weak personalities never make independent decisions and always ask friends or acquaintances for advice. And then people act in accordance with the instructions received. Well, if the result of such an action is positive, but if he gets an unsatisfactory result of his activity, then a person will be able to shift the responsibility onto someone else. After all, he did not make the decision on his own, which means that the result of his activities will not fully lie on the shoulders of the offender.
Benefits from being a victim
Masochists enjoy pain, but victims of secondary gain are smart and calculating. They don't do reckless things. They are led by cold calculation. A woman who marries a tyrant knows her husband's potential. The girl more than once noticed the habits of the chosen one even before the wedding, and she perfectly understands what such personality traits will lead to in a relationship. Nevertheless, she agrees to marry the despot. It is impossible to call such a circumstance an ill-considered step. A person always knows what this or that act will lead him to. And when, over time, a woman's husband begins to show hisdespotic character, the girl begins to run around friends and complain about her lover. What is the lady's benefit? She receives warmth and care, which she could not find in marriage. And she is quite satisfied with the attention with which she is surrounded by close and sympathetic people. The woman does not want to change her position, as she is pleased to be in front of everyone and act as a victim.
Benefits from being alone
Have you met men who consider their loneliness a curse? There are many such representatives of the strong half of humanity. What kind of people find secondary benefits of loneliness? A person who complains to others that he cannot find a normal girl is actually throwing dust in his eyes. A man enjoys a lonely life. He does not have to take care of anyone, and there is no need to share a roof over his head with someone. You can change girls every two weeks, and wild parties will help brighten up lonely evenings. The man feels great and just does not understand why he needs to change the situation. Yes, consciously the guy knows that he needs to start a family and children, but subconsciously the man has not yet grown up to his emotional maturity, when he is finally ready to take responsibility not only for his own, but also for someone else's life.
Benefits of low wages
Are there people in your environment who work for a penny, but do not want to change anything in their lives? What are these people waiting for? They like to complain about their boss and co-workers. And people like thatcharacter warehouse sincerely believe that it is simply impossible to find a better job. What is the secondary benefit of such a position? People do not need to change anything in their usual way. A person is in his comfort zone and does not want to leave it at all. The person is respected in their circles, she has friends and acquaintances. A person knows how and on what he will spend his current salary and what he will save money from the bonus for. And when he has the opportunity to earn more, he begins to experience a completely natural fear. Panic begins, how to spend a lot of money, what to save it for and where to invest. A person does not know how he will be accepted in a new team and how members of a more elite society will communicate with him. Therefore, the person will continue to whine about a better life, but will not change the current state of affairs.
What follows from this?
After examining several situations, we can draw conclusions from the situation that gives a secondary benefit.
- You can get away from trouble. A person does not have to look for solutions to complex problems. You can always hide in your shell and wait for someone else to make an important decision or help you fix the current state of affairs. And sometimes you can just get rid of the problem by ignoring it.
- Secondary benefit makes a person feel loved and needed. If a person lacks the love of family and friends, then the person resorts to proven methods. For example, it starts to hurt. The conscience of loved ones wakes up, and they surround the family member with care and pay special attention to the person.
- A person does not have to meet the high standards that others place on him. The surrounding people treat weak and timid persons with understanding and care. Therefore, they do not have to meet the standards of normal he althy persons.
Problem Solving
One technique for dealing with secondary gain is to find a situation that annoys you and ask yourself why you are still not changing things. Remember cause and effect relationships. Ask yourself how you benefit from a bad relationship, an illness, or a low paycheck. You need to answer honestly and without embellishment. Only an honest answer will help to find the true problem and normalize the situation. Once you have found your problem, you need to fix it. Do your best to get out of your comfort zone. It will be hard at first, but with due diligence, you will surely cope. And in order not to fall into a similar trap in the future, you should leave your comfort zone as often as possible, at least once a month.
Psychological work
Don't know how to get rid of the secondary benefit? NLP will help you with this. But it is necessary to conduct such sessions not at home, but with a specialist. Experienced psychotherapists will be able to get rid of your psychological problems and find the roots of your altered reality.
Well, if there is neither time nor money to go to a specialist, how to get rid of the secondary benefit yourself? Once you have found the problem, you must deal with it step by step. You need to start with feeling your emotions. Consider if you are benefiting fromsuffering. If so, change the state of things and start getting negative emotions from negative things. Do not engage in self-deception, it will not help. Learn to enjoy common pleasures, well-being, the support of a loved one, and good material well-being.
