Relationships between husband and wife do not always go smoothly. This is evidenced by the number of divorces, which is growing every year. Yes, it is always easier to destroy than to create, but stepping on the same rake makes it difficult to find a truly happy relationship. Smart partners do not run away from the problem, but try to solve it. To do this, it is necessary to clearly understand what model of relations between spouses exists and what are its main shortcomings.
Parent-Child Relationship
From the name it becomes clear that such a model is based on the fact that one of the partners behaves like an adult, and the other like a schoolboy. Parent-child marital relationships most often occur in couples where there is a large age difference (10-15 years). Or, for example, between a strong woman who always keeps everything under control, and a dependent, weak man. Quarrels in such couples arise in two cases:
- "Parent" gets tired of being in charge and keeping everything to himself. Then he begins to make claims to the partner. And he, in turn, does not understand what is happening, because before everything suited everyone.
- The “child” gets tired of being under constant control and guardianship. He strives to become independent. Of course, the second partner does not agree with this state of affairs.
Yes, and, in principle, there are many conflicts in marital relations with such a model of behavior. The "parent" constantly fulfills the various whims and demands of the "child". He, in turn, is offended if something does not go according to his plan. A strong partner, as a rule, complains that the spouse is weak and spineless. At the same time, he himself constantly controls him, fulfills his whims and directs his life. Sometimes the "parent" does not even understand that he himself holds such a relationship model.
First of all, you should change your attitude towards the "child". Do you want him to grow up? So let it happen. Of course, at first, not everything will work out for him. The task of the "parent" is to support his partner, but the right of choice should still remain with him. Let him try to prove himself, and you just watch it from the side. Sometimes you want to give advice and insist that it be listened to. But by doing so, you will only strengthen the parent-child relationship. Trust in your partner. He may well be independent if you deprive him of your guardianship.
If you are in the role of a "child" and feel that you have grown up a long time ago, start acting. First of all, choose for yourselfpersonal space. Sign up for courses or educational trainings, get a job, find a hobby you like. You have to distance yourself a little from the “parent” and show that you are worth something too.
Don't make everything too drastic. It is worth refusing help, but at the same time consider the interests of other people. Try to find a compromise with your partner so that he does not feel that he is losing the “child” abruptly. Of course, it is worth talking with your soulmate as much as possible. Ask what your loved one really wants, and be sure to tell us about your plans and dreams.
Try not to be offended. His guardianship is a manifestation of love and care for you. At the same time, explain to your soulmate that you don’t feel like a person this way, that you want to develop, that you are ready to “grow up”. And even if initially the partner is against it, over time he will see that next to him is no longer a child, but a real independent person.
Codependent relationships
Some people like to show themselves as an altruist. “Just look at how selfless I am,” they scream with all their looks. Such individuals choose for themselves partners with certain problems or addictions. And then for many years they struggle with it. With this model of marital relations, not only the “altruist” suffers, but often the children who are also forced to deal with the problems of the second parent. It is especially hard if the partner drinks, rows or even beats their family members.
This model of behavior is very similar to the previous one. Only here a person with his addiction plays the role of a child. He is like a baby that requires constant monitoring and attention. Such relationships are comfortable only for one. But is this true love?
If you find yourself in such a situation, then you urgently need to reconsider your views on life. Altruistic tendencies are great, but why does it concern only one of your family members, who may not even appreciate it? If you have been trying to cope with the addiction of the second half for years, and she does not want to change, then such a relationship is doomed.
I'll ask my mom now
This model of marital relationship is usually associated with the parents of the spouses, who are very fond of giving advice. Intervention in family life further fuels conflicts and scandals. Of course, parents worry about their already grown children, but even so, they must be able to keep their distance.
The advice of parents can often lead to quarrels in the family. And you need to be able to resist them. First, there is no need to complain about your soul mate. When a mother hears that her child is being offended, of course, she begins to rush to help. Try to consult with your parents on the topic of family relations as little as possible, and even more so, you should not involve them in resolving conflicts.
Tug of war
If both partners are sufficiently ambitious and strong personalities, it is not easy for them. Each of them wants to take a leading position and prove themselves in family relationships. And what is most interesting,On the other hand, it is not always possible to say for sure who is in charge in the family. In fact, there are two concepts of leadership in psychology: hidden and explicit.
And the first one is not always visible from the outside. Anyone can be a hidden leader, including mother-in-law and mother-in-law. They can dictate their laws, manipulate and even create problems in marital relationships. At the same time, for example, the husband thinks that he is the head of the family, although in reality he only acts as his mother wants. It is not necessary that the hidden leader will act only for his own good. Some families where a smart mother-in-law or mother-in-law plays this role are much stronger than those in which there are no hidden leaders at all.
How to understand what is happening in your family and what she needs? First of all, analyze who is the initiator of the "brilliant" ideas. Most likely, it is this person who is the hidden leader. If all issues in your family are resolved with the help of scandals and quarrels, then, most likely, there is no main thing in your family at all. Or, on the contrary, each of the family members considers himself a leader. Such a struggle usually drags on for many years until one of the spouses gives up.
An important role in this matter is played by the behavior of the wife. Men in 80% of cases always strive to be in charge. And it is easy to understand that this is due to their nature, which is difficult to change. On the other hand, the male brain cannot solve 50% of family issues. Here his wife should come to his aid, only not in the role of the second head of the family, but in the role of a hidden leader.
In thispeace and quiet will reign in the family. The husband believes that he makes important decisions and is the head of the family. At the same time, in ordinary domestic matters, the wife obeys her husband, does not object to trifles and supports his supremacy. When solving important problems, the task of the wife is to present her solution in such a way that the husband thinks that it is his idea. Then it will not hurt his ego, but at the same time the issue will be resolved as quickly and efficiently as possible. This should not be considered meanness or cunning. In many families, it is absolutely normal when the husband is the “head” and the wife is the “neck.”
Perfect
The question of power and headship in the family is so large that a book could be written about it. But having omitted all the nuances and types of marital relations, one can come to only one important conclusion. In order for peace and tranquility to reign in the family, each partner must have his own piece of power. In other words, his own area in which he can feel important, necessary and competent. It is important to be able to adapt to situational changes and redistribute responsibilities in time.
Problems related to children and their upbringing
Despite the types of marital relations, in almost every family there are conflicts that affect the interests of children. Initially, it should be noted that conflicts arise precisely because each of the parents has their own model of education. And most likely, she takes her origins in childhood.
For example, when the wife was little, her parents were too cruel to her. She was not allowed to go out with friends, punished over trifles. Back then, beingas a little girl, she promised herself that she would never be as cruel as her mother. My father's situation was different. Few people took care of him. He did what he wanted, got into various unpleasant situations. And now, having become a father, he decided that his child would be under total control.
So it turns out that one parent is trying to spoil his child, while the other, on the contrary, is trying to keep him within a strict framework. But it is unlikely that parents understand that such a multidirectional upbringing is not suitable for a child.
In order to resolve the conflict, it is necessary in a calm atmosphere (without the presence of a child) to discuss models of parenting. It should be understood that your childhood and your baby are absolutely unrelated. In trying to heal your psychological trauma, you may harm your child. It is necessary to agree in advance with your spouse the direction in which your baby will be brought up and clearly follow it.
Sexual problems
Violation of marital relations can also occur due to misunderstandings in bed. Usually problems begin to arise at 2-3 years of marriage. Quite often, the reason for this is the appearance of children. A young mother is very exhausted with her baby, and there is neither time nor desire for sex. The same applies to the husband. Now he has to work harder to provide for his family. Sexual problems can be completely different. But if because of them there is a violation of marital relations, an urgent need to solve the problem. And the most important thing in this matter is not to be shy andspeak frankly with your significant other.
Financial problems
Here is another common reason why conflicts arise in family marital relationships. And it's not even that the spouses earn little. In this case, the problem lies in the primacy and leadership. Men often reproach their wives for earning less than they do, but at the same time they do not allow them to fully develop and work. Of course, if suddenly the spouse begins to receive more, the husband's leadership may become questionable.
There is a solution to the problem. You need to orient the whole family in the other direction. Money should not be the goal. It's just a tool to help you survive. In the first place in family relationships should be love, care, respect for each other.
When conflicts regarding finances, try not to be nervous. The calmer and more balanced the tone of at least one of the partners, the less likely it is that a quarrel will break out. Also, try to explain to your partner that in order to earn a lot of money, you need to be strong and persistent. And conflicts, on the contrary, deplete the nervous system, increase fatigue and provoke depression.
Infidelity
The development of marital relations is impossible to predict. It often happens that the cause of quarrels and conflicts is a lover or lover. On the one hand, a partner cannot forgive betrayal. On the other hand, he cannot let go of his soul mate. So they live with treasonfor many years. But in order to understand this issue, you need to determine exactly why the partner decided on this. Yes, there are indeed people for whom one partner is not enough.
But, contrary to popular belief, only 8% really are. The reason for the rest of the changes are constant quarrels, conflicts. When a man does not feel himself the head of the family, he subconsciously begins to look for a woman who recognizes him as such. The same applies to girls. It is important for them to feel beautiful, desirable. They need to bloom for someone. When a man is too busy with work and does not pay any attention to her, the lady decides to cheat.
Matrimonial relations in marriage do not always go smoothly, but it does not make sense to go to extreme measures. Try to pay attention to your partner, put him in his place. Does he feel comfortable in your family? To diagnose marital relations, you can also contact a psychologist. There is nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, several sessions can help you get to know your soulmate better and resolve many issues.
Recipe for family happiness
Is there a perfect piece of advice that can help solve family problems? No, because the features of marital relations depend on the spouses. What works in one case may not work in another. It is for this reason that one should not listen too much to the advice of friends. Each person has a certain experience, but is it useful in your case? Suchthere is a possibility, but it is very low. The same applies to the advice of relatives. Think back to what your parents' relationship was like. Are they similar to yours? Similarities are bound to be there if you use their relationship model.
Everyone has their own recipe for family happiness. It depends on many factors and in most cases on the characters and views of the partners. You should not look for a magic recipe for marital relations in the family to be impeccable. There is no such thing. Just try to understand and feel your soul mate, then many problems will be solved by themselves.
