Every person who lives in this world builds personal boundaries. The person decides what they will be. A person has the right to manage his personal time and space as he sees fit to do so. But why do some people find happiness in their lives, while others fail to do so? Let's find out.
Definition
What are the personal boundaries of a person? This is the space that a person encloses around him and beyond which he does not allow strangers to enter. Moreover, this space should not be taken literally. Personal boundaries are both purely physical and psychological. Physical boundaries are not so difficult to define. You let any person close to you for a meter, but not everyone can come close to you. You will move away from an unfamiliar person who gets too close.
And how to define psychological personal boundaries? This is more difficult to do. A person communicates with all people in different ways, and for each specificthe individual builds his own barriers. Some people will be allowed to be touched, while others will not be allowed to be touched. To someone a person will reveal his secrets, and with someone he will only talk about the weather. Depending on how close this or that person is, you will react to it in different ways. And also the attitude towards a person will be influenced by personal sympathies, and the reciprocity of your feelings. A person is a rather complex creature, so it is not always possible for him to correctly build his psychological boundaries and protect them from the encroachments of other people.
Views
What are the personal boundaries of a person? Psychologists divide them into two main types:
- Weak. Such boundaries can be easily violated. Moreover, they are encroached upon by both well-known people and strangers. If a person cannot convey to the interlocutor how to treat her, then the opponent will do as he sees fit. Weak personal boundaries are inherent in weak people with low self-esteem and a suppressed sense of will. Such persons will not defend their rights, and will always stay away from something serious, considering themselves simply unworthy of some feats. Such persons are kind-hearted and love to help others. A person with weak personal boundaries will do charity work, and will agree to give his last things to please another, more needy person.
- Strong borders. Persons who can stand up for themselves and will not allow others to infringe on their interests will build invisiblewalls, breaking through which will be difficult not only for an unfamiliar, but even for a well-known person. From the outside, such individuals may seem too cold and unyielding. Their self-confidence and leadership qualities are visible to the naked eye. If someone decides to encroach on the personal boundaries of a person, then this someone will be rebuffed and will no longer want to encroach on what the person so fiercely guards. Some may think that such people are lonely. But there is nothing like it in their lives. It's just that people demand respect for themselves not only at work, but also at home. All households know the limit of a person's patience and will not cross it. Children who grow up in the family of a person who knows the boundaries of what is permitted will unconsciously adopt such a system of protecting their personality.
Varieties
A person must know their personal boundaries. This will help him feel comfortable. Also, the person must understand in which areas of life people should be given the opportunity to cross the line, and in which not. What are the types of personality boundaries?
- Physical. Each person around him has a distance in which he does not allow unfamiliar people. You must understand exactly what is considered acceptable to you and what is not. If a person approaches you within a meter, will you start to panic? How about half a meter? You need to know exactly at what distance you are pleased to communicate with strangers, so that in the future you can always keep a similar distance and feel comfortable. Also followsset the distance for well-known people and the closest. You need to let people know what your limits are and how close they can get to you.
- Psychological. Each person, by virtue of his upbringing and education, sets boundaries for feelings and emotions. A person can make some expressions of his feelings public, and a person will hide everything else under masks, since, in his opinion, these emotions should not be seen by others. You need to understand which emotions and feelings you consider public and which are not. Then you won't have to think about it every time you encounter a similar situation.
- Spiritual. Everyone has the right to believe what they want. And if you believe in God, then don't let anyone shake your confidence. Atheists can make beautiful speeches that God never existed, but you have the right to insist on your own, and if you are uncomfortable, just get away from the topic.
- Social attachments. Each person has friends, acquaintances and relatives with whom a person contacts more often than with many others, therefore, with loved ones, you also need to build personal boundaries of what is permitted. You can't protect your friends from being harassed by others, but you can set aside time to spend alone with loved ones.
How borders work
Have you heard a lot about the boundaries of what is permitted, but do not quite understand where personal boundaries apply? How to build a he althy relationship with your husband? I thought about this questionany girl. So let's take it as an example to analyze the situation. How in many families does the husband show his authority to his wife? That's right, with the help of fists. But after all, a person never starts waving his arms unless he loses his temper. This means that at first the person must get excited and start screaming, and only then wave his arms and look for a target to defeat. But before a man boils, he must raise his voice and switch to a new kind of intonation. All these changes occur quite quickly, but even an inexperienced person can notice with the naked eye the changes that occur in the personality.
A woman who lives with her husband for many years knows perfectly well all the stages of her husband's anger. And if she knows this, then her personal boundaries are too weak. A man can beat her only when the lady herself allows him to do it. If a woman has strong boundaries, then she will not allow her soulmate to even raise her voice, let alone shout. Do you want to build a normal relationship with a man? Don't let him violate your personal boundaries. When a husband raises his voice, reproach him for this, or simply admonish him with the phrase: "I won't talk to you in that tone." The man will immediately return to the normal timbre of speech and stop boiling. And if a woman cannot stand up for herself, then she will forever endure beatings, and this will not be her husband's fault, but her own. How to set personal boundaries? Stop being a doormat and take responsibility for your life in your own hands.
Expanding personal boundaries
A person should have respect for himself. If it is not there, then the person will allow himself to be insulted and humiliated. How to set personal boundaries? A person needs to be made clear to others that he will not give anyone the opportunity to encroach on his personal space. How to do it? Interrupt all attempts of people to get into your life. And do it right away. For example, if you do not want to tell anyone about your personal life, no one can force you to talk about it. And when too inquisitive friends will try to get into your soul and find out what is happening there, you can answer all questions in the same way, thanks for your interest, I'm fine. If you answer in this manner every time, soon you will no longer be asked questions.
In the same way, you should teach others not to cross the line in their treatment of you. Do you notice that many people take out their anger on you? So you let people do it. Do not allow someone else's irritation, but rather, do not listen to other people's complaints. Someone begins to talk about his unfortunate fate? Interrupt the person and ask what good things are happening in the person's life. If he is offended and says that you are a bad friend, since you do not want to hear about the problems of others, you can always answer that you have enough problems in your life, and you want to hear something positive. After all, notice that when people talk about something good, they rarely conflict with each other and argue about who has a better life. And when people complain, the dialogue often turns into scolding, raising their voices, and so on. Deliberatelyshield yourself from negativity, and then you will immediately notice how your life will improve.
All problems since childhood
Why do people grow up with weak personality boundaries? All the problems of any person must be sought in childhood. Why do parents violate the personal boundaries of children? Parents who are too concerned about the he alth of their child often suffer from the fact that, without unnecessary need, they will check the temperature of the child, forbid him to run and be naughty. Such overprotection will lead to the fact that the baby will grow into a dependent person who will not be able to take responsibility for his actions. It would seem, what are the boundaries here? The child will grow up too naive and trusting, and as a result, he will let anyone who outwardly looks cute and friendly approach him. But the intentions of a person may not be the most good-natured.
Parents who dislike a child also risk weakening their child's personal boundaries. The child will need love and affection, which means he will look for such feelings on the side. And the kid will be happy with any person who will take a liking to him and take pity on him. An inferiority complex will remain with a person for life and a person simply cannot exist normally. Her self-esteem will depend on the opinions of others and on the assessment of human performance.
How else can parents violate the child's personal space? Every person is born with personal belongings. The person should have their own mug, cup, fork, etc. If adults constantly take things from the baby andtell a child that this is quite normal and you need to be able to share, then the child may develop an inferiority complex, which is popularly called kindness.
What needs to be protected from someone else's encroachment
Want to learn more about personal boundaries? Kovalev will help you with this. You can open any of his study guides and learn in more detail all the features of human psychology. Among other things, Kovalev writes that you need to protect your personality boundaries from other people's encroachments. But in order to protect something, you need to understand exactly what it is.
- Personal things. Each person has objects that are valuable to him, dear and have some importance for him. Such things should be protected from the wrong hands. If someone takes your belongings without permission, then you must reprimand the person. Do you think it's selfish? Yes. And quite justified. It makes no sense to distribute your things to everyone in a row. If you decide to lend something to someone, it should be your personal unimposed desire. All other methods of taking items from you can be considered a direct violation of personal boundaries.
- Private time. A person should have the right to time that he spends exclusively on himself. The person should have no problem being alone with himself. A person is not obliged to go where his friends call him, just for the reason that people really want to see him. You should always make time in your routine to be alone with your thoughts and think about something personal. Psychology will help you build personal boundaries. Book,which you can read on this topic, has the same name with your problem, and its authors are Jenny Miller and Victoria Lambert.
- Social connections. Every normal person should have well-established social ties. Every person has friends, family and soul mate. And with each of these types of people you need to properly build personal boundaries. How to understand the difference between different types of people? Listen to your intuition, it is rarely wrong in such things.
- Dreams and desires. You have the right to dream and wish for anything. Your dreams should not be limited or imposed from outside. People can do whatever they want. And no one can restrict their freedom of choice.
Reactions to violations of personal boundaries
How does a normal person react when an uninvited guest tries to stick his curious nose where he was not asked to go? Violation of personal boundaries in psychology can be characterized by several reactions. Some of them are psychological, while others have external manifestations.
- Negative emotions. First of all, a person whose personal space is being invaded by someone begins to get very annoyed. And this is quite normal. This is the first psychological sign that it is time to fight back an uninvited guest. Violation of personal boundaries in this case is not too significant, but all the same, the person becomes uncomfortable with the fact that someone encroaches on the physical or moral space of a person.
- Reaction. A person who is deeply hurt will react instantly. Person will tryprotect themselves from an intruder, and if this fails, then he will go on the offensive. In response, the person will try to cross the opponent's allowed personal boundaries.
- Injurious words. The next stage, to which a person passes, whose space is being encroached upon, is insults. The person will scold his offender and raise his voice at him. And if all this does not help, then the person will get angry and start screaming.
- Physical injury. If the opponent does not understand the need to stop, then the person whose boundaries have been violated may switch to using their fists. Solving problems with the use of physical force is not the best solution, but sometimes there is nothing left for a person.
Smarter approach
How should a person show their personal boundaries? Psychologists advise using this method. A person should stop an opponent who has taken too wide a step once. Your abuser must understand that he did something wrong, and you will not tolerate such treatment. Thus, you give the person the first warning. The person understands how you should be treated. But the next time they meet, a person can once again check the boundaries of what is acceptable. And if the opponent is once again rebuffed, he will understand that you are confident in your boundaries. Knowing exactly what is acceptable is very helpful. And there is no need to repeat to a person several times what is unpleasant for you. After all, you can simply not allow a person to cross the line.
And if a person does not understand your words and believesthat you can endure, you need to either stop communicating with this opponent or react sharply to his attacks. As a result, the person should understand that you are not joking and are really ready to defend yourself. Moreover, methods that will justify the means can be used even not the most kind.
In order to demand that other people respect their boundaries, you need to learn to respect other people's boundaries. Never play the fool or pretend not to understand the desires of others. After all, then these same people can cross your borders and thereby cause you inconvenience.
Easier to install now than reinstall
Everyone knows the phrase that it is better to do well right away than to redo it later. But it is one thing to know, and another to put knowledge into practice. How do you set personal boundaries? Psychologists assure that most people at first allow a lot to their new acquaintances, and then abruptly begin to demand something from people. And it turns out a situation where a person suddenly receives claims that he had not heard before. This often happens to couples who are just starting out.
Girls first let the guy close, and then build a wall through which it is very difficult to break through with all the desire. The man begins to think that the lady decided to send him to the friend zone, and is looking for another more accessible girl. But in fact, the lady just wanted to remove the guy a little from herself, since she is unpleasant when a person violates her personal boundaries. In order not to get into awkward situations, and then not to make excuses to people, you need to immediately be able to showyour character. Show the boundaries of the permissible immediately, and not after the fact. Then you won't have to get upset, apologize and blush for your strange behavior. Don't be afraid to be weird in front of the other person. It will be worse if you go against your will and endure strong pressure from the people around you.
Troubleshooting
How to learn to protect personal boundaries? A person must follow a few simple rules that will help him significantly improve his life.
- Learn to say no. If you don't feel like doing something, or just don't feel like going somewhere, say no. If a person asks you for a favor, and you have little time and energy to help him, then it is better to immediately refuse. Do not worry that you somehow harmed a friend. Always think of yourself and your own interests first. After all, a person has one life and you need to live it in such a way that later you don’t regret how little you managed to do.
- Relinquish strong feelings of guilt. Do you want to expand your personal boundaries? The exercise that will help you do this is very simple. Deny people their requests and try to drown out the guilt. You have to develop the reflex when you refuse a person something, but at the same time you feel as good as if they were helped.
- Don't make excuses. If you can’t do something or don’t want to disclose some information, you don’t need to do it. Remember that you have a personal right to do what you want. Don't worry and don't think about what's about youother people think badly. It doesn't matter what your friends think of you. If these are your good friends, they will not say anything bad. Well, if these are unfamiliar people, they simply will not find a reason to discuss you.
- Don't take offense to heart. Did someone offend you or refuse to help? Don't take offense as a personal insult. Remember that everyone, including you, has the right to refuse. If you do not want to do something, just say it to the person in person, but remember that the person can honestly tell you that he will not help.
- Know your rights and responsibilities. A person who understands well what and to whom he owes will never suffer from weak personal boundaries. The person will be self-confident and self-sufficient.
Building your own comfort zone
How to build personal boundaries? A person must reshape his character a little and learn:
- Self-confidence. A person who takes into account, first of all, his own opinion, and not the opinion of others, will be happy. It will be easy for such a person to explain to others where his own comfort zone lies, which cannot be violated.
- Dream and set goals. Restoring personal boundaries must begin with setting your desires and goals. A person must go somewhere in this life, only then can he become a harmonious personality. It's all too easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of the city when you're moving without a guide.
- Learn to fight back against people who violate your boundaries. It is necessary tactfully, but still firmly, to refuse everyone who violates yourcomfort zone. Such persons act ugly, and they should understand this. If a person has forgotten about your boundaries, feel free to remind him of them. How to change your personal boundaries? Self-confidence books will help you do just that.
