Each parent, sending a child to school, hopes that the child will organically fit into the team and find friends. Few people expect that peers may not accept the child, or even more so begin to poison him. The life of a child can turn into a real hell if you do not notice in time and do not take measures to resolve conflicts in the team. What to do if you are an outcast in the classroom, how to survive a negative experience, and what parents should do to help their child - about this in the article.
Signs a child is an outcast
Outcast in class - who is it? He can be very bright, artistic in nature, can dress in a peculiar way, study poorly or too well, make friends with unpopular classmates, differ in appearance from the rest, choose unusual idols, etc. The child may have characteristics that other children do not recognize.
Signsthat the child has become an outcast, several:
- the team ignores the child, the outcast has no friends;
- the team removes the child from “important” issues, games, activities and assignments;
- the team openly poisons the child (children laugh, call names, beat, expose in an unsightly light, discredit reputation).
It is important to note that an outcast only becomes an outcast when he begins to consider himself such, to look for flaws in himself. The team in this case is a mirror that reflects the child's opinion about himself.
The mirror principle has the opposite effect. If a child is popular among peers, this automatically makes him more socialized - open, kind, energetic, likable.
Outcasts tend to be very self-focused, don't forgive other people well, pay too much attention to small things, don't know how to switch quickly, and accumulate resentment. For their real friends, they may move mountains, but they always expect a catch from others.
How can parents tell if their child is a school outcast
Yes, you can recognize in time that the child is an outcast in the class. What should parents do in this case? Be attentive to the needs of the child, listen to him, do not deny the problems.
Just suspect something is wrong if the child:
- lost the desire to go to school, or is already skipping classes;
- does not invite friends from school to visit;
- avoids questions about school, does not want to talk about grades and classmates;
- is in a severe emotional decline every day afterschools;
- ignores holidays and class meetings;
- does not maintain a page on a social network or has no classmates as friends on it;
- does not call back with classmates;
- often crying for no reason without explanation;
- has physical or sociocultural signs of abnormality (overweight, braces, lameness, blindness, strabismus, stuttering, dark skin, accent, oriental eye shape, etc.) and becomes suddenly ashamed of them.
What an outcast child is going through
The way a child experiences a traumatic situation can be different - dangerous and safe, constructive and destructive.
Outcast kids in school can:
- get depressed, give up hobbies and socializing;
- refuse food, have trouble sleeping;
- have learning problems;
- leaving the real world for the virtual world - computer games, chats.
- get sick with a psychosomatic illness (the body gets away from the problem and “gets sick” so as not to face it again; hence frequent colds, dizziness, headaches, abdominal pain, vomiting, and so on).
Possible forms of behavioral disorder in outcast children
Behavioral disorders (deviations) are very common among children who are harassed and bullied.
Often outcasts at school are capable of the following deviations:
- Theft. The child may steal to buy something for himself and numb the pain. Can steal to buy something for other children/adults and thereby earn their favor, friendship, love, recognition.
- Lie. An outcast child may begin to lie not only to his parents, but also to his peers. Invent stories that don't exist in order to increase your "points" in the eyes of others. As a rule, stories are chosen that can arouse envy: about rich relatives, boxer brothers, prestigious things owned by the family (cars, clothes, jewelry). Fantasies are the most incredible, and one day there is someone in the team who brings the child to clean water, and the very “points” of the unpopular child fall even lower.
- Suicide attempts. Inopportunely discovered problems in a child, the neglected nature of bullying, the indifference of school staff can lead a child to thoughts of suicide. They do not always take on a real character, but the child shifts the dominant in the selection of information. He starts visiting unnecessary sites, antisocial personalities become authorities, strange friends appear.
- Robbery. An angry child who is infringed in one group may try to indirectly get even with his offenders in another, acting as the instigator of bullying. Lack of control over such processes can force a child to transgress the law. This is especially true in adolescence, when the child is already responsible for misconduct before the law, and sensitivity to the concepts of what is allowed and what is not allowed has not yet been formed. In outcast children, it may remain unformed at all.
The role of teachers in school conflicts
Leading roles in any school conflicts are assigned, of course, to adults. Teachers and parents. At the beginning of the conflict, you can always see that there is a leader-instigator of the conflict and an outcast child in the class. Signs of future problems in communication between students can suggest to adults in advance the correct tactics of behavior in the context of an emerging conflict.
The teacher spends a lot of time with the class, he has the opportunity to observe, mark, speak, reason, punish and encourage. The teacher can directly influence each member of the team.
An attentive teacher can detect any conflict at the very beginning and immediately make attempts to eliminate it:
- bring the conflict into an open form, discuss it with students and take a stand against persecution;
- initiate collective discussions to resolve the conflict, talk about leaders and about outcasts in the school;
- personally support an outcast student by inviting him to prove himself in school or school leisure and encourage him for success, set these successes as an example to the class;
- arrange “days of good deeds” when children should do something good for each member of the team.
Teachers certainly make mistakes. In conditions of lack of time or indifference to the process of educating students, the teacher is not always able and ready to intervene in children's conflicts, and sometimes can involuntarily support the beginning bullying.
For example, to punish misconduct without understanding the reasons. As a rule, the guilty one is the unpopulara student - by that time he had already created a certain negative role, which the leaders of the team willingly emphasize for the teacher. Or, for example, a teacher tends to believe favorites and not believe unpopular students due to their own personal preferences.
It is worth dwelling separately on the situation when an outcast appears in the class at the suggestion of the teacher himself. This happens when the teacher, as a punishment, encourages the entire class to show the student that he is wrong. In the form of announcing a boycott, ignoring, defiantly giving bad grades or regular demands to “give a diary for comment”. In this case, the teacher does not directly become the bully, but informally gives the class leader permission to bully. The outcome of such behavior is deplorable, because the class perceives such tactics as correct, because it was proposed by an authoritative person.
The reaction of parents to the problems of the child
Unfortunately, even if the child is already an outcast in the class, the advice of the school psychologist on point correction of the situation remains unaccepted by parents. Parents often call for help only when it becomes especially hard for the rejected child. At school, parents turn to a social worker or school psychologist, and privately to a child psychologist or family therapist.
General stages of parental behavior in a problem-solving situation for an outcast child:
Denial
Parents until the last moment do not want to see the real problems of the child, write offemotional experiences of the child at a transitional age, complex nature, fatigue from study, a large team, and so on. Adults are unwilling to admit that there are difficulties and are not ready to work through the situation with their children.
Prosecution
Who is the outcast boy or girl in the class? He or she is laughed at, he or she regularly comes in tears, there are complaints from school staff, he or she has few or no friends - it would seem that all these are reasons for parents to look for the roots of problems in the school community. However, most parents tend to see the causes of what is happening directly in the child.
Active experience
In this phase, parents urgently want to turn back the clock and solve problems quickly and efficiently. Parents turn to teachers or a psychologist. Requests to a psychologist in this case look like this:
- “There is something wrong with him.”
- “Do, change, talk, reason, inspire…”
- “She/she can’t…”
- “I can't believe this is my son/daughter..” and so on.
Tight work with a psychologist in these cases will help to emotionally defuse the child, give the parent the opportunity to realize the mistakes of upbringing, and attract the parent to actively participate in the correction process.
Involvement in the process
Parents in this phase share the child's emotions, say problems out loud, acknowledge them, look for solutions together.
If we talk about age characteristics, then most often it is teenagers who are outcasts at school. Their parents tend to go through phasesdenial, blame and active worrying when problems at school are combined with problems with communication within the family.
How parents can help an outcast child
When a child is an outcast in the classroom, the psychologist's correction tips include practical ways for parents to help the child reduce the degree of conflict and begin to feel better:
- Discuss with the child the situations that have arisen at school, “lose” them. Look for causal relationships, why this or that child did or did not do it. Learn together to assess the balance of power - who is to blame, who is right, what are the rules of the game in a team, which children are outcasts at school and why.
- Model the outcome of situations that have arisen. What could have been if the participant in the conflict had acted differently. What he gains, what he loses, what he sacrifices, what he does not notice. It is necessary to develop in the child the ability to make independent and quick choices.
- Constantly tell the child about the full acceptance of the parents. Whatever happens at school, whether the child is right or not, he needs to feel that his parents are on his side and will always help him. A child becomes immune to bullying and ridicule if he is surrounded by attention and support from his family.
- Study the basics of conflictology. To convey to the child why conflicts arise, how to solve them, if the child is an outcast in the class, what to do, does the compromise method always help, when you need to protect yourself and how. You can accompany the conversations with examples from life and cinema.
- To instill in the child the ability to look from the side. Explain howbecome outcasts in the classroom, to show that any conflicts and persecution at school are not private problems of one person, these are signs of an unhe althy team. A clear understanding of this condition will prevent the feeling of guilt and “otherness” that an outcast child may experience.
- Chat with the teacher. Without accusations and insults, try to agree on a common tactic for resolving a conflict situation in a team.
- Inform other parents, describe the situation in class.
- Try to initiate a common leisure activity for the whole class at home, for example. Demonstrate to the child's classmates that the fashion trends of youth culture are supported in the house.
- Practice successful communication skills with your child. It is quite possible that favors and compliments to classmates will change the general background of the attitude towards the child, it is only worth bringing gifts, sharing homework, giving calls, allocating pens for work in the lesson, letting them play a new game on the phone, etc.
- Help your child make up for the shortcomings they are being bullied for. If there is physical weakness or excess weight - start playing sports / martial arts with the child; poor performance - improve performance; being out of touch with youth culture - get to know popular singers/games/phone apps/Youtube channels/bloggers etc.
- Reorient the child to new achievements and hobbies. Let's say a boy or a girl, a young man or a girl, is an outcast of the school. New sports, hiking, work (if age permits), clubs, sections - thisnew teams, new platforms for starting, new areas for applying his or her talents and abilities, regardless of age. If the parents/coach/teacher/mentor will encourage the child or teenager to move forward, then it is quite possible that the child or teenager will be able to change the dominant and distract from the problems at school. In addition, in new areas of activity, you can find new friends, idols, become a popular and authoritative person.
- Change school. Teams are different and a child has a chance to start over, especially with the support of their family.
The role of an outcast child in the team
Socialization begins in the family. When a child is an outcast in the classroom, advice to parents is to analyze the first attitudes that their child received in the family regarding behavior in society, and isolate the destructive behavior patterns of adults in the family. These models may assume the wrong roles to play. Such roles can be copied by the child and then transferred to the school team.
The role of the victim.
One of the adults demonstrates sacrificial behavior, outwardly shows a false attitude “the interests of others are higher than mine”. At the root of this behavior lies the desire to attract attention. It can be obtained by natural methods - through mutual support, care, love, attention to each other in the family, an acceptable distribution of roles for all, and the fulfillment of common traditions. If this is not possible, an adult forcibly draws the attention of family members to himself and his desires - with tantrums, excessive emotionality, tears, laughter,scandals, ignorance, sarcasm, unusual image.
The outcast child in the classroom tends to adopt this pattern of behavior and demonstrate it to their peers. This will certainly begin to cause irritation and misunderstanding among classmates.
The role of an “A” student.
Relationships in the family are often built not on accepting family members as they are, but on the principles of conformity to a certain model of behavior that was determined by parents / grandparents. A child receives a portion of love and respect only if he speaks softly, studies well, does not get angry, does not contradict adults, informs on brothers and sisters, and so on.
The moral values of the child in this case are flexible, they are subject to the assessments of authoritative surrounding persons.
Such children in school groups become:
- scammers;
- “double players”;
- defectors;
- unreliable performers;
- Teachers' favorites.
These kids are most likely future outcasts in school, the children's collective will almost certainly not accept children in any of the above roles.
The role of the helpless.
It happens that one of the adults dominates in families. The opinion of one person obeys all the rules in the house. The child in this hierarchy occupies the lowest position, in fact, he can do nothing. As a result, the child develops a syndrome of learned helplessness, when the child, it would seem, is able to make his own decisions, but is not trained to do so. As a result, the child comes to the school team and becomes "sticky", which alltime follows the leader, agrees, has no opinion and does “dirty work”.
The role of the aggressor.
In a family where a child is treated badly, or he often sees an unfair treatment, where one of the family members is oppressed, the child learns to constantly defend himself. When a child is in the school community, any excuse can cause a defensive reaction. As a result, the child is an outcast in the classroom. There is a cycle. The child is rejected - he takes revenge - the child is poisoned even more - a feeling is developed that the world is very cruel and everyone should be avenged.
The role of the scapegoat.
Often this role is taken over by the child, who at home serves as a lightning rod for conflicts. Everything that adults cannot decide among themselves is transferred to the child. Resentments, reproaches, reproaches, feelings - everything breaks down on the child and thus maintains peace in the family.
The habit of always being extreme immediately becomes noticeable in the school community and the child automatically becomes a “scapegoat” there as well.
Obviously, children who copy the wrong behavior of adults at home are future outcasts at school. The reasons for this are the inattention of parents or the lack of basic emotional literacy in parents.
Features of unhe althy children's groups
It would seem, what kind of claims to each other can children have. In fact, studies show that the most rigid hierarchy reigns in children's groups. Classic bands represented by:
- leader;
- performers;
- observers;
- outcasts (one or more).
How do they become class outcasts, leaders, observers and performers? The role assigned to the child initially depends on his attitudes, behavior, and character traits. It is believed that outcast children are most often the most insecure among all members of the team, but a destructive leader can also be like that. The more the leader tries to hide his fears from those around him, the more brutal the bullying of the outcast will be. Adults can influence the leader and the situation in the team.
It is impossible to influence a team where the leader is a child who is confident in his superiority. Often this position is supported by his parents. Unwanted children (outcasts) are considered necessary and right to survive from the team, and ridicule of others is interpreted as a generous “help to the poor”.
The conflict between roles in the children's team can be leveled at the very beginning:
- From the outside - if teachers or adults immediately found problems and solved them.
- From the inside - when another authoritative member of the team comes to the defense of an outcast. In this case, they prefer not to swear with an authoritative person and leave the outcast alone. If an authoritative person turns out to be morally weaker than the leader of the team, they can also make him an object of harassment.
An important characteristic of unhe althy children's groups is the flexibility of cultural norms among the bearers of each role within the team. A child, on the one hand, must be strong and protect himself, on the other hand, it is not good to fight. A child is called weakwho refuses to hit back or at the same time, but if he hits, society will condemn him. Children are often wrong in any choice. However, leaders always choose strength to maintain authority, performers always act like the strong, observers refuse to choose, and only outcasts are forced to doubt and bear the full burden of real choice. Circumstances force them to go against themselves and their attitudes, while the inner voice tells them that they need to stand up for their values to the end. As a result of such a choice, the outcast child will always be to blame - either to himself or to society.
Former outcasts: how their lives turn out
Former outcasts at the school, whose relationship with the team was never corrected, subsequently:
- experience resentment against the past, grow new resentment towards companions and others;
- expect a negative outcome;
- often more aggressive;
- more closed to communication and less likely to make new contacts.
An adult who has grown out of a rejected child remains too sensitive to all the events that take place, he is greatly influenced by those around him, a positive assessment of actions and recognition is important to him. It does not matter who this adult is - a former boy or girl. The outcast of the school is distinguished by a feature that does not depend on gender and appearance - he does not have the skills to work with pain. He doesn't know how to let go of pain, to forgive the past, to learn from disappointments, to cope with the fear of new pain.
As a recommendation to adults whowere bullied at school, you can give:
- Try to make an effort and try to get to know others from the good side, to understand their interests, aspirations, desires. It is likely that such a long work on oneself will increase trust in people, show the former outcast that not all people are bad, that everyone grows up and becomes different.
- Learn to play events with your participation, imagining different outcomes. What will happen if the reaction is not so sharp; what happens if you tell people other things; is it possible to feel differently in the course of events (for example, not angry, but calm), how to achieve these states; do you really want what forces are applied to.
With the help of this method, a person learns to analyze his states, change them, react differently to situations, be more open and calm about changes.
- Work on emotional literacy. Many people cannot describe their emotions. This is a speech skill that is trained and educated. When the problem is known "in person", it can be solved. If unknown, then it is not clear what to work on. In addition, adequate communication about the nature of their feelings helps others to better understand the situation and correct their behavior. If you react with resentment, close in without explanation, you can lose the disposition of the people around you, they may get tired of looking for an approach to a “difficult” person.
- Train your confidence. Use the services of trainers-psychologists, develop independently according to specialized literature, watch educational videos - all theseways will benefit.
- Work on the image. Demonstrate confident and inviting gestures and facial expressions, be pleasant and tidy in appearance, always have blanks on topics for conversations, be able to listen and show interest - others always appreciate this, and it becomes easier for a person to establish new contacts.
- Be sure to work with past experience. Competent psychologists and literature will be able to help with interest. Prescribing, playing unpleasant events, experiencing pain, forgiveness, discharging negative emotions - all these are integral attributes of the constructive mastering of past experience. On the ground worked out, it is possible to build new models of relationships without looking back.
