Drinking father is not only life without childhood. This is a huge lump of psychological problems in adulthood. Children who grew up in a family with a drinking parent or parents run the risk of repeating a negative life scenario and remaining unhappy with their spouses. What to do if the father drinks, why this happens and how to help - we will tell in the article below.
Reasons
There are several reasons for the development of male alcoholism. They contain the answer to the question why the family has a drinking father and husband:
- Dependence on alcohol at the genetic level. A man just wants to relieve stress, but if there were alcoholics in his family, it is very difficult to avoid a situation in which a bottle of beer after work would not turn into alcoholism.
- The habit of drinking "in company" with drinking friends, so as not to offend them. Gradually no more excuses are needed.
- Family quarrels, unfulfilled dreams, lack of money, difficulties at work. Men have less psychologicalmore resilient than women and tend to run away from problems through alcohol, games or other means.
First stage
The first stage of alcoholism is irregular but frequent drinking. At this stage, there is a high probability of a complete cure if it is noticed as early as possible. The first stage is characterized by the following features:
- constant irritation, tendency to frequent depression;
- unwillingness to notice and acknowledge problems;
- strong desire to drink;
- Low alcohol tolerance.
Second stage
When alcoholism has passed into the second stage, it begins to destroy he alth. Characteristics:
- Improve ethanol tolerance. What it means: the protective gag reflex is eliminated, in order to achieve psychological comfort, a large dose of alcohol is required compared to the initial dose.
- After drinking, a person quickly becomes sleepy.
- The body absorbs more alcohol in less time.
- The body produces endorphins, better known as the hormone of joy. This explains the good mood, changeability of emotions, aggressiveness.
Third stage
Considered the most dangerous and destructive of all, it causes significant damage to the central nervous system, brain regions and the cardiovascular system. Features:
- There is no gag reflex even with a very large amount of alcohol.
- Partial memory loss.
- Long-term drunkenness.
- Generalexhaustion of the body.
- Destruction of the liver up to the appearance of cirrhosis.
External signs
A person suffering from alcohol addiction in the third stage can be recognized by the following external signs:
- Blue lips.
- Detached look.
- Weak muscles.
- Swollen lower eyelids.
- Swelling of the face, chin and neck.
- Red leather.
How alcohol affects children
Psychologists note that in families where there is a drinking father, children experience severe psychological trauma. In strength, they are equal to those with which soldiers return from military operations. But not only the father who drowns himself in a bottle is to blame. No less blame lies with the mother. A woman who lives with an alcoholic, even if she does not drink with him, is obsessed with her husband. Thus, the child suffers from a lack of attention from both parents at once. After all, the father constantly drinks, and the mother cannot think of anything else. The child may attract attention in negative ways, or it may withdraw into itself. It all depends on the warehouse of character and upbringing.
If the family has a drinking father or both parents, then the children have poor concentration of attention, a tendency to conflict, low communication skills among peers. Often they leave home early, begin to wander, drink, use toxic and narcotic substances. In the family, the child learns to build relationships with the opposite sex and builds a picture of ways to interact with the world and behavioral reactions.
Drinking father, screaming, raising his hand to mother and child, causes great fear in the latter, even if it was a light slap. This is partly because the baby sees how upset and frightened his mother is. The picture of the world in which the parents are his protectors is destroyed in the child.
Scenario of behavior of children in a family with a drinking parent
Children of drinking fathers most often behave according to the following scenarios:
- "Heroic". A small child takes on adult responsibilities and problems that parents cannot cope with. He becomes the master of the house, a parent for brothers and sisters, if any. Sometimes a child tries to take on the aggression of a drunk parent in order to protect the mother or younger children in this way.
- "Illusory". With this type of behavior, the child hides from problems, because he does not yet understand what to do. He begins to build his own illusory world in which everything is fine, and hides in it.
- "Guilty". A drinking father or both parents immediately begin to blame the child for their unfulfilled fate, unfulfilled ambitions. Constantly experienced guilt leads to the fact that the child, growing up, subconsciously chooses unsuccessful partners for relationships or low-paying jobs. In this way, he is trying to subconsciously drown out the feeling of guilt, to deserve something good, because he cannot be loved the way he is. This is a deep, inner conviction: before you deserve something, you need tosuffer.
- "Unpunished". Scenario opposite to the previous one. Here, a parent or both parents feel guilty about what is happening in the house and try to drown it out with permissiveness for a son or daughter.
Drinking Dad's Daughter
Daughters of drinking fathers may face the following problems:
- Physical disorders, various diseases such as infertility, epilepsy and others.
- Craving for alcohol.
- Complexes about their own inferiority, fears, unstable emotional state.
In addition, girls whose fathers drank, having matured, choose exactly the same spouse as their life companions or, by their behavior, provoke a husband who initially did not drink. This happens because she subconsciously copies the picture she saw as a child and begins to reproduce it in her own family.
There is also a victim complex here. The victim always has a hidden benefit, no matter how scary it may sound. Thus, a girl or woman feels her importance for her husband, who "will definitely disappear without her", she likes it when others pity her and admire the threshold of patience.
Daughter - wife or playing "Alcoholic"
Sometimes in a family where there is a drinking father, the mother asks her daughter to "look after dad." She begins to look after him, to regret, in the end, she gives herself a word that she will pull her dad out of hard drinking. Thus, the girl crosses out the parent-childrelationship with dad and takes on the duties of a wife. As a result, this puts pressure not only on her psyche, but also negatively affects relations with all family members, including her mother. Psychologist E. Berne calls it playing drunk.
Son in the family of an alcoholic dad
If a father drinks every day, few children are able to assess the situation as bad or abnormal. For them, alcohol is just a way to pass the time, to relax. A drinking father becomes an example for a son in most families. Drinking is completely normal for him.
The father continues to drink, and the mother does not risk filing for divorce, takes responsibility because of pity and fear of being alone. In addition, mothers often pretend to children and the environment that everything is in order, there are no problems, out of shame or fear.
A boy is a future man, and with such an ambivalent behavior of his mother, he is lost, not knowing how to react and evaluate her. Gradually, he begins to drink alcohol if he does not want to be responsible for the situation or does not know what to do. This is a behavioral stereotype embedded in the subconscious.
What should a woman do? Step One: Straight Talk
Let's consider what a woman should do in a family where there is a drinking father. First, tune in to an open and honest conversation with your spouse, especially if before your life together he did not have a strong craving for drinking alcohol. Think about it, maybe you demand too much from your spouse, praise little, often criticize his insolvency and socialunrealized?
With great confidence, we can say that a calm conversation from the heart will clarify the situation. Maybe a man just doesn't have enough self-confidence to change something. Stop putting pressure on your spouse, notice what he does for you, and not what he does not do. This will help, especially if alcoholism has not yet become chronic.
Adequate treatment
If the father began to drink, then the mother often begins to take him to fortune tellers and ask for a magic spell or weed. Sometimes women treat their spouse quietly, which further exacerbates the already deplorable situation. The best option is to go to a special rehabilitation center to help addicted people. Their effectiveness has been proven by most drug addiction specialists.
A man spends from six months to a year within the walls of the center, psychologists and a number of other specialists work with him. Visiting grandmothers takes a huge amount of time and money, and the outcome of such treatment is doubtful. You can accidentally induce a heart attack or faint under the influence of miracle weed.
Frank conversation with children
The negative scenarios of the life of the daughter and son of a drinking father described above are not always fair. Not all children follow the fate of their fathers and mothers. The main thing is to talk soberly about problems in the family. Talk honestly, without downplaying or exaggerating the problem. Dad is sick - it's not normal. He needs support, help and treatment. Do not allow humiliating words to your husband, even if he deserves it, especially if a son is growing up in the family. Hehe will not be able to grow up strong, responsible if his father is constantly ridiculed and humiliated in his presence.
Focus on yourself
If the father drinks heavily, then the only he althy way out for the mother is to focus on ensuring her own safety and the safety of the children. You can move to live with your mother for a while or send the children to a sanatorium to give the psyche emotional relief. And then talk with your husband about a divorce or about treatment in a hospital. The situation will not change as long as you keep quiet and accept it.
How to be children
When only a drinking father is at home, what should children do, psychologists answered. If the child is left at home alone with dad, who spends time with a bottle and behaves aggressively, the best way out is to leave home to grandma or classmates before mom returns home. The recommendation for girls is especially relevant when dad drinks more than one. In this way, the girl will preserve her he alth, cause less damage to the psyche, although it will probably be a shame to ask to spend the night with her girlfriend. Most importantly, she will be able to protect herself from drunken harassment by her father's friends. Another rule is not to take the bottle from the father and not to ask the drinking companions to leave. This will make things worse.
"Children's" advice for solving an adult problem
Several recommendations for children from psychologists on how to behave with dad if he drinks:
- Even if a father drinks every day, this fact alone does not make him an alcoholic. Perceptions of the child and adultdiffer from each other. Perhaps there is no cause for alarm, but it is worth talking openly with your mother.
- Don't call your father an alcoholic. He will not drink less because of this, but will get very angry even if he is sober.
- We need to decide on a frank conversation with one of the adults that my father began to drink. This will bring relief and perhaps someone will give valuable advice on how to make life in the family easier.
- Let the drinking father talk to one of the adults whom he trusts and respects. Just do not ask for help from unfamiliar and generally unfamiliar people. They won't be able to help and may spread unnecessary gossip.
- Remember the best time together with dad. It is important here that dad be sober at this moment. Remember how you went fishing or hiking, how your dad taught you to ride a bike, and how proud you and your mom were of him when everything was fine. Tell your brothers, sisters or mom that you really miss dad, and you are worried about his life and he alth.
Recommendations for adult children
If you grew up in a family with an alcoholic father, but want to help him, then you can do it. Psychologists have some advice for you:
- Call a narcologist at home. Detoxifying the body will make it feel better.
- When the father is sober, arrange a meeting with a psychologist to understand the reason for the binge.
- If the father wishes, send him for treatment to a special center for six months or a year.
- If the father has decided to live soberly - show participation, help clean the apartment, go forshopping.
- Don't be your father's drinking buddy.
- After the decision not to drink is made, remove alcoholic beverages from the house, do not buy them even on holidays.
Many women and children of men whose families have fallen apart because of alcohol do not want to communicate with them. An alcoholic father is not the best, and of course, he is responsible for the problems of his children, but this is not a reason to leave him alone. The article gives recommendations on what to do if the father drinks, and the decision is up to you.
