In society you can meet completely different people. Some communicate sincerely and openly. Others hide their motives and act on the sly. One of these is a manipulator. Who is this and how to communicate with him, the publication will tell.
Definition of concepts
The word "manipulation" is translated from Latin as a manual reception or a handful. Indeed, a person who knows how to manage people can be called a puppeteer. He, as if pulling the strings, achieves whatever he wants. Manipulation is a kind of psychological influence. It, when skillfully executed, leads to the emergence in the other person of such intentions that do not coincide with his actual desires. Manipulation can be psychological, social or even physical. It is always directed at another person in order to benefit at someone else's expense. As a result of exposure, a person begins to perceive the thoughts suggested to him as his own.
Thus, we can give the following definition of a manipulator. This is an individual who secretly controls others,inspires them with his opinion and uses people to realize his desires. Often a person does not understand that he is being controlled. Moreover, even the manipulator himself may not realize that he is a puppeteer.
Examples of manipulations
In everyday life, people are faced with secretive control almost daily. E. Shostrom describes this very well in his book "Anti Carnegie, or Manipulator". This is an American psychotherapist, psychologist, a supporter of the humanistic direction and a student of A. Maslow.
Every day, people's desire is professionally managed by alluring and bright advertising signs. For example, a well-designed advertising poster for a travel agency, which depicts a happy girl on the beach with a glass in her hands, can make you think about vacation, even if such thoughts never crossed your mind. Many people get tired of the constant crush in the subway and city noise. Seeing such an advertisement, they begin to think that they definitely want to go to the sea and willingly buy tickets to warm countries. These human weaknesses are skillfully used by travel agents.
You can give an example with colleagues at work. In almost every team there is at least one person who imperceptibly shoves his duties onto others. How can you refuse a request? After all, this is a friend, and he needs help. Although communication does not even go beyond the workplace, not everyone understands this.
Manipulator can be found even at home. Relatives often put pressure on pity and try to arouse feelings of guilt in order to achieve what they want. Same kids start crying when they want towatch a cartoon or other TV show. Parents give up and go on about their child. Similar examples of covert control are endless.
How manipulators work
Puppeteers use many ways to get what they want from their victims. Manipulators deceive, keep silent, emotionally crush and provoke a feeling of pity. They deliberately downplay their own and other people's dignity in order to gain power and authority. There are even those who cry every time they meet that everything is bad for them, although in reality everything in their life is going well.
There are several stages in the actions of a manipulator.
- First, he probes the victim's weaknesses.
- After he begins to actively use them.
- Using psychological manipulation, the puppeteer convinces them to give up something in favor of their own interests.
- He will act according to the established scheme until the control object catches him and stops his operation on his own.
Main characteristics of human manipulators
There are many signs by which one can determine whether an individual is a manipulator or not. This is stated in Shostrom's book "Anti Carnegie, or Manipulator". The more matches on the following criteria, the higher the likelihood of using covert control. So, what is the behavior of human puppeteers?
- They never directly declare theirrequirements, thoughts and feelings.
- Trying to hide their true needs.
- Depending on the situation, they can quickly change their mind and behavior.
- Any questions are almost always answered vaguely and vaguely.
- Trying to absolve themselves of all obligations and trying to make other people responsible.
- They don't comply with requests, although they claim to remember them perfectly.
- Lying is a fairly common communication tactic, as is silence.
- Manipulators do not pay attention to other people's needs and desires.
- They can't stand criticism and try to deny even the obvious.
- Sometimes they will force you to do something or try to demand something.
- Waiting for an immediate response to their requests and demands.
- Unnecessarily question the quality and competence of others. It is not arguments that are used, but condemnation, humiliation and other methods.
- They are constantly blaming everyone: colleagues, friends and relatives.
- Do not send messages directly. Instead of a personal conversation, they prefer to call or send a message through a third party.
- A manipulator is a rather egocentric person. He believes that only his point of view is the only correct one.
- The manipulator can veil threats or openly blackmail.
- Such a person tries to avoid any discussion and negotiations.
- The manipulator changes the subject very often. And this is done quite abruptly.
- If the opponentis poorly versed in something, then the puppeteer begins to discuss this particular topic. This is how he demonstrates his superiority.
- To achieve his goals, he manipulates the moral principles of the interlocutor.
- The manipulator can turn even close friends against each other.
- Artfully becomes a victim: complains about work overload, exaggerates illness, and so on.
- May knowingly make a false statement, and then change his testimony. So he tries to find out the truth.
- In general, the statements and speech of the manipulator seem logical, but his life is rather inconsistent.
- To please a new acquaintance, he begins to please in every possible way, show signs of attention and give gifts.
- The puppeteer is quite jealous. And it doesn't matter if it's a spouse, a parent or a friend.
- When interacting with him, others feel as if they have fallen into a trap.
- When he reaches his goal, others take some damage.
One can say that a person is a puppeteer if at least 15 signs are confirmed from the above list. Manipulative people are very cunning, so they should be looked at more closely.
Orientation of the manipulator
There are three types of puppeteer: future-oriented, past-oriented and present-oriented. They were described in his book "Anti Carnegie, or Manipulator" by Shostrom Everett.
Future-oriented puppeteers live in a world of idealized expectations, plans and goals. They are completely absorbed in torment and worries about what will become of theirlife.
Past-oriented manipulators are characterized by feelings of guilt, remorse, regret, and remorse. They are constantly gnawed by the memories of the past. In addition, such people are overly touchy.
Present-oriented manipulators can be considered pathological individuals. Their past was not rich enough to revel and live in memories. It makes no contribution to the present. The future is hazy and confusing. And most importantly, they have nothing to do with the activity of the manipulator in the present. The life of such a person is absolutely meaningless and aimless.
The essence of the puppeteer is to constantly excuse and defend himself. Therefore, he needs the past to justify mistakes, and the future for empty promises. A present-oriented person will talk a lot about his affairs, but will never see them through.
Manipulative systems
Also in the book "Anti Carnegie, or man-manipulator" refers to four main types of control systems.
1. Active. The manipulator controls others through active methods. At the same time, he uses his social position (chief, senior sergeant, teacher, parent, and so on). He likes to act on the principle of the table of ranks and resort to the "commitment and expectation" technique. Such a manipulator will play the role of a powerful person to the end and will never show weakness. He seeks control over others and actively exploits their powerlessness. The main goal is to dominate and dominate in whateverno matter what.
2. Passive. This is the complete opposite of the previous type. Such a puppeteer pretends to be stupid and helpless. His main assistants are passivity and lethargy. Such a person wins when he is defeated, however paradoxical it may seem. The passive manipulator allows others to work and think, as long as he himself does not strain himself and do nothing. His task is to try not to cause irritation.
3. Indifferent. This type of manipulative people shows indifference and indifference, tries to move away and avoid contacts. Their motto is "I don't care". In fact, they do not give a damn, otherwise they would not start a manipulative game. Methods of influence can be both passive and active. The puppeteer builds himself either as a ruler or as a helpless one. Many married couples often play indifferent. One of the spouses, threatening divorce, in such a strange way tries to win a partner, and not part with him. The indifferent manipulator has a "caring-rejected" philosophy.
4. Competitor. With this type of control, the manipulator imagines his life as an endless chain of wins and losses, like a constant tournament. He sees himself as a vigilant fighter. He considers his life a battlefield, and the people around him as rivals and even enemies (real or potential). The competitive manipulator oscillates between active and passive methods of influence. His goal is to win at all costs.
Types of manipulators
Also in the book "Anti Carnegie, or Manipulator" Everett Shostrom mentions that there are different types of manipulators. In total, he described eight types.
"Dictator". This is a person who likes to give orders to everyone. When disobedient, he begins to scream and threaten. The main weapons are power, harsh actions, harsh language, harshness and strength. When such a person manages to gain power, he becomes an even greater tyrant and despot
"Calculator". In appearance, this is a very well-mannered individual who has a fairly wide circle of friends. But in fact, he elects only those from whom he can benefit. This type of person spends a lot of time calculating the best paths. In any situation, he is guided by the desire to occupy a winning position. "Calculator" never makes unprofitable acquaintances, so he often remains alone. Sometimes this makes him sad, but in general he is satisfied with this situation
"Sticky". This is a slave type of manipulator. Shostrom noted that such individuals tend to be under someone's control in order to be controlled. They are weak, lazy, and overbearing. Such manipulators do not like to do something themselves, but only wait for orders. And they like this alignment
"Rag". The behavior of this type is characterized by carelessness, lack of will and infantilism. These puppeteers are always complaining and almost never in a good mood. Manipulation boils down to pity, understanding, or simply paying attention to such an unfortunate person. For this, tantrums and crying are used toget what you want faster
"Hooligan". This is a man who knows how to solve all problems only with his fists. If something didn’t suit him, he starts to get angry, if it was a bad day, he will rowdy, if he didn’t like someone, he will beat him. Usually everyone is afraid of such people and tries to obey them
"Judge". As Everett Shostrom wrote, this type of manipulator is always dissatisfied with something. Moreover, the scale of irritation is quite global - it seems to him that the whole world is wrong and does everything wrong. The puppeteer is inclined to attribute those sins that have never been committed. He considers every person an enemy and a liar. Usually, contempt for others is clearly visible on the face of such a manipulator
"Nice Guy". Such a person is characterized by excessively expressed complacency, which often seems insincere. The way it is. This kindness is simulated and very intrusive. Behind it lies the intentions of the manipulator. His acquaintances are very surprised when they find out that such a wonderful person is capable of some meanness
"Defender". This is a person who, with great desire, constantly justifies and shields the actions of people. For the most part, it's not out of love for them. The reason is that in this way the manipulator shows himself in a more favorable light - more intelligent and fair than others
It is important to learn how to identify each type and take into account their features. No matter how cunning the manipulator is, he is quite predictable. If you understand the course of his thoughts, it will be possible to resist manipulation.
Howfight a manipulative man?
First of all, you need to be a person who is responsible for his actions and does not allow others to control him. You need to be sincere, constructive and respectful of other people's feelings. As Shostrom said, only such a person can resist a manipulator. You can go two ways. To expose the puppeteer or not to pay attention to his influence, fencing himself off from him with a “glass cap”. The first way can lead to complications in relationships, since many manipulators are quite aggressive. The second option is considered more acceptable. It lies in the fact that you need to adjust your behavior so that a person has no desire to manipulate.
Next, we will look at how to counter a manipulator. The methods are not universal, you need to choose those that will be effective in a given situation.
Broken Record
This technique is suitable for someone who feels weak and can succumb to manipulative influence. The method is good because for some time it allows you to stay in the role of an invulnerable robot that stands firm on its own and with which no tricks will work. Great for when you need to say no.
It's very simple. The manipulator needs to respond with a single phrase. Its design cannot be changed in any way. It should be pronounced with a friendly intonation and with a calm expression on the face - this is very important. If you give up and demonstrate a sense of guilt, then the method will be useless.
For example, constantlymanipulative parents ask to go to the dacha to work on the garden plot. You can answer something like: “Sorry, I can’t, I have important things to do.” Parents will definitely ask what their child will be doing so much. To which you need to answer again with the same phrase: “Sorry, I can’t, I have important things to do.” After that, parents can start to put pressure on pity. But it is necessary to stand your ground to the end, uttering the same phrase. Over time, the conversation will fade away.
Exposure
A manipulator is a person who rarely shows true feelings. But gestures and facial expressions will never deceive. For example, a smile on the face, although the fists are clenched. The technique is suitable when you want to make it clear to the puppeteer that he has been seen through.
The meaning of the technique is that when manipulating, you need to openly express your feelings, for example, using the phrase: "You are lying." To enhance the effect, you can turn to others to stop the influence of the puppeteer.
The following dialogue is an example:
- I don't understand what is written here! Help me translate the document.
- I can't believe you can't figure it out, you know French perfectly!
- My head isn't cooking today, I can't think of anything at all.
- Girls, it looks like Nastya wants me to do the work for her. How clever!
Escape from criticism
This method is ideal for those who constantly have to contact, live or work with a manipulator. In psychology, this is considered a fairly effective defense technique.
When the interlocutor tries to criticize and attack in every possible way, there is no need to deny anything, otherwise an additional portion of reproaches will fall. It is better to agree with what has been said, but only with what is really true. Then you can carefully explain your behavior. It is important not to feel guilty about this.
An example of this is the roommate situation:
- Alla, we were preparing a party, but you didn't come again. You always come too late! What kind of friend are you, we wanted to rent an apartment together so we could spend more time together.
- Yes, I really came late and did not have time. Don't expect me tomorrow either, I have a date.
Make a fool
This technique helps to effectively deal with whiny puppeteers. In general, it suits those who want to protect themselves and are not afraid to resist the manipulator. The secrets of successful manipulation of a person can be cleverly turned against him.
When something is insistently demanded, you can pretend that you do not understand and ask to explain again. Puppeteers are not friends with logic and do not like to explain something, so they give up pretty quickly. If such a dialogue is not needed at all, you can simply jump to another topic. For example, you can get out of the situation like this:
- He mistreated me again! You have no idea what he said to me!
- Yes, girlfriend, your man is peculiar. And I bought myself a new blouse! Silk blue!
- No, he yelled and said I was hard to live with!
- She also has a cute bow! Do you think pants or a skirt would suit her?
Freeze-wither
Technique is suitable for those who are not yet ready to actively fight against manipulators. How to communicate with them in this case? You can refer to the behavior of animals. In nature, they often freeze so as not to engage in a fight with a large opponent. You can see an example of how to apply this technique:
"Are you new? What a pretty girl you are! I am your colleague, Sergey. All the new pretty girls are making tea for me! Be kind, bring me to the office! Silence and no reaction. "Where is my tea?" Silence again. “Okay, will the documents be ready today?” “I’m filling out the necessary paperwork, I’ll send it in an hour.” “What about tea?” Again silence in response. An impudent employee will pester for a long time, but over time he will get tired of it.
Updating behavior
People are not only attacked by puppeteers, but they themselves often use their methods of influence in everyday life. But it is better to try not to be a manipulator. Carnegie Dale, an American motivational speaker, thought it was ineffective. Everett Shostrom fully agrees with him. But manipulative behavior should not be tried to reject. It is better to try to turn it into an actualizing behavior. To do this, deceit must be transformed into honesty, cynicism into trust, control into freedom, and so on.
Only constructive communication will help you communicate effectively with people and build harmonious relationships with them. Therefore, it is necessaryfight manipulators and try not to turn into puppeteers yourself.
