Human feelings are the most mysterious phenomenon in the world. Their nature has not yet been explored, the reasons for their appearance and extinction are also unclear. We can be guided only by external factors, which to some extent cause certain sensations in a person. In this article we will try to answer an extremely difficult question: how to love a child? And we note right away that this will concern not only love for your own baby, but also such moments as the development of feelings for the adopted child and stepchild.
Small introduction
First of all, it is worth paying attention to such a moment as an instinct that prompts us to love this or that creature. Without this property of human nature, the further development of stronger and more spiritual qualities is impossible. So, what is it - maternal instinct in women? It is this termwill serve as an answer for us to all further questions that will be posed point-blank in the article.
Maternal instinct is not something directly related to a child born and born in pain, with the fact that he looks like you, etc. It is a feeling that is characterized in a completely different way, and here's how. This term refers to the norms of behavior of an individual, in which it tries with all its might to protect a weaker individual. It does not matter whether there are family ties between two individuals or they are completely absent. The only important thing is that the defending side is bigger, older, wiser and stronger, while the defending side, respectively, loses in all these indicators.
We and the animals
First of all, for clarity of further conclusions, let's look at mammals and their types of behavior. They are the closest to people in terms of biological and mental structure (unlike reptiles or insects, for example), they are simply not endowed with such high intelligence, the gift of speech, they are not able to discover something new, etc.
However, the set of instincts in humans and animals is about the same. Among their many, there is also a maternal one, which, in fact, is one of the key ones in procreation. Its essence was described above, so we turn to the consideration of its existence within the framework of a particular biological species.
For animals, there is no such thing as lack of maternal instinct. They a priori take care of their own offspring, putting the interests of the cubs above their own. Moreover, in animals thisqualities are developed so strongly that they are able to nurse even other people's cubs that are orphaned or lost.
In the basic understanding for a person, everything should work in exactly the same way. But the catch is that we are also endowed with such a concept as a worldview, which is formed mainly on the basis of the environment.
The current world is fundamentally different from the one in which our cave ancestors lived. Now there is a lot of stress, prejudices, expectations, standards, etc., which fundamentally changes not only the worldview, but also the basic set of instincts and the manner of their manifestation. In other words, some social attitudes can damage the nature of motherly love, and a woman will seriously begin to wonder how to love a child, since she sincerely will not be able to do it.
Why is there a problem?
If maternal instinct is a natural thing inherent in every individual (and regardless of gender), then why do many women still ask everyone around them and themselves how to love a child? The lack of warm feelings for a weaker creature, which is also the successor of your own kind, can be caused by many reasons. And here are some of them:
- A woman prefers the role of a careerist, wife or lover, not seeing herself as a mother.
- In the soul, the fairer sex herself remains a child, so the birth of a baby always puts off for "when I grow up".
- There are serious mentaldisorders that block the manifestation of certain instincts.
- The woman herself was not loved in childhood, they did not show how it is to show love and care for offspring.
- The presence of various kinds of phobias, which, in fact, is also equated with mental disorders. Fears are so strong that they simply prevent a woman from fully engaging in maternal responsibilities.
- Pregnancy from an unloved man.
- Not wanting to have a baby.
Regarding the last point, the unwillingness to have a child can be caused by one of the reasons listed above, or have other reasons. But it is important to note that absolutely all these provisions are related exclusively to the modern world and its structure. And for a woman who lived several thousand years ago, all of them were alien, she did not see any obstacles in the way of giving birth to a child, and further love for him.
Unwanted gift of fate
It is when, in the presence of one or more of the above reasons, a woman still becomes pregnant and keeps the baby, the real problems begin. On the one hand, the rules established in society dictate to her to love her child and be a good mother. But on the other hand, the same norms previously laid in her the attitudes of a careerist, a "Stepford" wife (but not a mother), coldness towards children, or something else. It turns out a vicious circle, and the victim in it is a young mother, and subsequently her baby.
In such a situation it is difficult to understandhow to love your own child, if a woman simply did not want him, had other plans for life. Nevertheless, he has already been born, he is not going anywhere, and something needs to be done so that this little man, who is completely innocent and has just come into this world, grows up he althy, smart, well-mannered and, most importantly, loved. Therefore, we will begin by describing how dislike manifests itself, and then we will look at the first stages of life that a mother spends with her baby.
Manifestation of dislike
There are no complex tests or psychological terms to describe this situation. Both the mother herself and everyone around always see when she loves her child, and when she doesn’t. How can dislike manifest itself? As a rule, the following factors signal this:
- A young mother is constantly in decline. Otherwise, it is called postpartum depression, and we will talk about this in detail below. In general, the situation can be described as a complete withering of the personality, unwillingness to do anything, and in particular - to take care of the baby.
- Mom puts her own interests ahead of her baby's. For example, he spends money not on him, but on shopping, spends time not with the baby, but at work or with friends.
- She is annoyed by children's crying, if the child is older, then whims, requests, behavior. She constantly loses her temper, even if the baby just refers to her.
It is important to note that the loss of maternal feelings can happen to a woman at any stage of the relationship with the baby. That is, she can love him when he is still a baby, but then, when the child grows up and acquirescharacter, a misunderstanding will begin, which will cause rejection. This topic will also be covered in more detail below.
Postpartum depression
It's hard to believe, but every tenth woman in the world suffers from such a mental illness. There are those who heroically struggle with oppressive feelings on their own, and through force begin to love their baby. Others go gloomy, doing household chores and taking care of the baby, like a robot. Only a few turn to loved ones for help, and few to specialists. But it is the last option that is the wisest.
Even those women who planned their pregnancy often ask themselves and psychologists how to love their child after childbirth, because feelings, when you expect them, do not always come? This type of depression can be caused by many factors, and those described above in the section "Why does the problem exist?" are only a part of them.
We note right away that many couples do not think ahead, presenting their future with a baby as something like a pink dream. If a girl, being married to a loved one, planned the birth of a baby with him, and suddenly, when he was born, everything went somehow wrong, the following points may be the reason for this:
- A woman has absolutely no time for herself, and she understands this on a subconscious level. She is forced to hide her "I" until better times, and completely surrender to the child.
- Relations with her husband are changing radically. The child now sleeps in their bed, serving as a kind of barrier to the development of their love life.
- A young mother stays at home, and her husband disappears at work. This causes a lot of anxiety.
How to cope?
It is at this stage that a competent answer from a specialist on how to love your child can become the key to further happy development of events, and throughout the rest of your life. Therefore, it is extremely important to contact a psychologist with this issue, and not to endure and suffer. Don't be afraid to tell him about your thoughts and feelings, even if they seem ominous to you. After all, you decided to fight them, so go to the end.
The second thing that can help is books on family psychology. Among them are the creation of Elena Kovalchuk "Down with postpartum depression. A guide for expectant mothers", as well as "Special Relationship" by Douglas Kennedy, "Take Love" by Jodi Picoult or "A Mother's Story" by Amanda Prowse. It is possible that you will be able to read and discuss these family psychology books with your specialist at the same time, making the treatment even more effective.
It is also extremely important that the right attitude towards such a vulnerable mother is built on the part of all her household members, and most importantly, her husband. It is impossible to ignore its condition, it is impossible to reproach it for one or another of its mistakes. Phrases such as "get together, rag", "you are a woman and a mother, you must do everything", "children are our everything", etc. will have the opposite effect.
A woman who is in a state of postpartum depression wants to hear words that will support herpersonally, and remind her that they love her too, and not just the baby, that they care about her too. If you continue to pressure and blame her, she will become even more angry, and everything can turn out to be very deplorable. Households should relieve her a little, give her time to rest, sit a little with the child, or help with household chores. Gradually, the tension will subside, and the young mother will be able to take a sensible look at the situation and fall in love with her baby again.
Child growing up
It happens that a mother endlessly loves a child in infancy. And many mistakenly believe that this period is the most stressful, since the baby is literally not let go of the hands. It is believed that later he will learn to walk, talk, become more independent and everything will become easier. But the situation, on the contrary, is getting more complicated.
The baby is not just growing up, but also becoming more inquisitive. He begins to demand more attention to himself, and stating this in words. Moreover, a character wakes up in him, which simply causes bewilderment in his mother. Before that, he was a “baby doll”, whom everyone only admired, and now he is naughty, shows dissatisfaction, sorts out, etc. Here the question arises, how to love your child if he just infuriates and annoys him on every occasion?
First of all, we note that a similar situation can develop not only in the kindergarten age of the baby, but also in adolescence. She is identical in both cases, and the mother behaves the same way in both of them. It just all depends on the type of psyche of the child. Or the character will begin to appear from an early age and he will "setheat", having barely learned to walk, or he will be submissive for a long time, and having reached the moment of puberty, he will begin to "open up".
Solve the problem
No matter how trite and annoying it may sound, you should calm down and stop. Suspend the stream of criticism and dissatisfaction that you emit against the child, even if he does not speak directly. Stop blaming the baby for his actions, whims, words. To understand how to love a child, it is worth looking at the world through his eyes.
If you have a baby in front of you who just went to kindergarten, do not expect her to strive for order, responsibility, understanding your problems. This child learns the world, everything is interesting to him, he still does not know what evil, negativity, stress, etc. are. And he should not learn this from you. Therefore, if there are problems personally in your professional or personal life, then correct them, and then the baby's behavior will not seem so annoying to you.
If the same "nerves awe" teenager, then this is to some extent normal. You just need to wait out the period, plus remember that many of its negative qualities are nothing more than a reflection of your upbringing. Again, understand yourself, pay attention to the positive aspects in your child, praise him more, and you will notice that the situation will soon change, you will again understand how to love a child for who he is.
Negative Consequences
At the end of this topic, it is worth saying that your shortcomings duringGrowing up a baby can negatively affect not only his future, but also the future of your grandchildren. The most important quality that an unloved child inherits in adulthood, in relationships, in interaction with his own offspring is the inability to love.
He will ask the same questions as you, suffer, suffer. Everything from the fact that you simply did not show him what it is - love and harmony in the family, care, affection, peace of mind. A vicious circle will begin, which will be very difficult to break. Therefore, it is best to make a break right now in order to save your own kind from making the same mistake.
Someone else's child
Adoption is a much more serious and responsible step than the birth of your own baby. These are completely different feelings, situations and ways of resolving psychological problems. There is no single guide on how to love an adopted child, as all cases are fundamentally different. But there are some tips to help establish contact between the adoptive parents and the orphanage baby:
- Love the baby "to the touch". This requirement is the most important, as children who are left without the care of biological parents need tactile contact more than anyone.
- Prove your love with actions, not words. For example, teach your child to play the guitar if he has been asking for it for a long time, and do not make him read books forever "for his own good".
- Be proud of your child's accomplishments. You lift this wayhis significance in his own life.
- Remember that children are our everything. And it was with such thoughts that you went to take custody of your baby. If the baby ended up in your family, then there are reasons for that, and all hardships are only temporary.
Extremely difficult relationship
A much more difficult and problematic issue is how to love a husband's child from his first marriage. In this situation, most likely, you will not be the only one on whose part the attempts to "make friends" should be made. If the other side, that is, the baby, does not want to accept you, the matter will not succeed.
Children are also people, each of them has his own character, and they can be very categorical. Especially if the situation is so serious, and the child had to be left without a mother for one reason or another. All that you can do personally is to make love to the child a default feeling, and put it on pause. When he himself "ripes" and understands that you are also a part of his life, your feelings can be activated. Until this moment, excessive and imposed care for the baby is not worth it, he will perceive it with hostility.
If personally you are not able to have bright feelings for your husband's child, and at the same time he does not feel negative towards you, ask yourself, why are you with this man? After all, if you chose him, you must accept him with the "baggage" that he already has. Otherwise, what keeps you close may not be love, but something else.
If you still have feelings for a man, try to figure out what exactly youannoying in a baby. Everything is not always so critical, it happens that it is worth stretching out hands to each other, and the situation is resolved by itself.
Summarize
Definitely you can not answer the question of how to love a child. Inside herself, every mother understands that this is necessary, but sometimes there is simply no strength, knowledge, patience and desire to do everything right. Therefore, there is one single effective truth that will allow you to arrange everything in any family, in any situation, in any scenario. What is its essence?
Children are our mirror. Even if they are adopted, even if it is the child of the husband who lives with you under the same roof. If something annoys you in a baby, then most likely this trait is inherent in you yourself.
Children are incredibly sensual beings, they always understand what adults have in mind, they always feel their thoughts and impulses. Therefore, if a child is negatively disposed towards you, he will look for weak points simply on a subconscious level and put pressure on them, and he will succeed. Therefore, be aware of this, and do not succumb to provocation. After that, the situation will immediately become easier, you will look at it differently, and a new stage in the relationship with the child will begin.
It is also extremely important to remember that if dislike comes primarily from you, then with it you will feed the child’s hatred, and only negative qualities will begin to develop in him in one direction or another. This will destroy his personality, make him either a villain or a failure, and as a result, break your family. Therefore, try with all your might to make the baby happy, loved, surround him with care andcaress, and soon he will return the same to you.
Conclusion
At the end, I would like to give a few quotes about children, which, perhaps, will help you restore bright feelings and fall in love with your descendants again.
"Look at my children! My former freshness is alive in them. In them is the justification of my old age" - William Shakespeare.
"Children cannot be scared off by severity, they cannot stand only lies" - Leo Tolstoy.
"There is no more solemn anthem on earth than the babbling of children's lips" - Victor Hugo.
"A child teaches his parent three things: to always find something to do, to rejoice for no reason, and to insist on one's own." - Paulo Coelho
"The best way to make a child good is to make him happy" - Oscar Wilde.
Perhaps, quotes about children will not have power on their own, but in combination with therapy and literature, they will have a positive effect. Do not be afraid to talk about your problems to specialists, share your thoughts with friends and with your husband. Try your best to find in yourself the source of love for the child, and tune in with him on the same wavelength. And only in combination all these efforts will give a good result.
