I can't live without him because I love him! Surely you have heard this phrase many times in the movies, and perhaps you have said it yourself. In fact, this is how many people understand real high relationships and at the same time they are very wrong.
This is not love, but dependence - emotional in the first place. It substitutes for real feelings and disguises itself quite well as them, but it has one serious difference. Love is a bright, creative feeling, it is freedom. She is always mutual, because she grows only in relationships, she does not give torment.
Unrequited love is the wrong definition. This does not happen in our world. If the relationship causes suffering, then this is an addiction - emotional, material or otherwise - this does not change the essence.
Addiction is a substitute for love
Most often this is manifested in the relationship between a man and a woman. We are all looking for love, it is vital for us to experience the harmony of relationships with a loved one. But that's the way it is with a he althy person. If a person has an unhealed psychological wound, a gap in his emotional field, he will passionately needlove, but unable to experience it. All that is subject to him is to find himself an object that will feed him with the necessary life energy.
What is characteristic: the thirst for this love or energy (call it what you want) will never fade away. As if there really is a gaping hole in the soul of a person, through which a feeling flows, and he greedily grabs his source, demanding more and more. This is what is called emotional addiction. Your relationship is sick and doomed until you can heal yourself.
The manifestation of dependence in relationships
If you want, you will find plenty of examples around you. The constant concentration of thoughts on the "beloved" person is exactly that notorious addiction. Emotional in the first place, because these feelings now determine the life of the addict, his relationships with other people, performance, emotional and physical state.
The whole life of an addict is in these relationships. It would seem that the object of such "love" should be happy. It happens so, but then it is consumer relations. An example can be given: young people decide to live together, while the girl devotes all of herself to her chosen one, puts aside all dreams and plans for the sake of it, works and provides for her family while he receives a prestigious education and builds a career, and then … he leaves her.
What are the reasons
Why is this happening? Because a person had to not rush into a relationship like a whirlpool, but go to a psychological help center. Instead, hefeeling that he is unhappy in loneliness, he connects his hopes for happiness precisely with this relationship.
But how could it be otherwise, because all mental suffering and self-doubt, all complexes disappear under one glance of a loved one! At first, this seems to be the case. But this is only an illusion, which, unfortunately, does not last long. Gradually, conflicts and misunderstandings begin, dissatisfaction with the partner and with oneself.
A person, without realizing it, suffers more and more, and this inevitably leads to the collapse of relationships, parting and even more pain. And ahead, perhaps, new relationships, into which a person will rush with even greater zeal, believing that he has finally found exactly that one. It is not difficult to assume that the result is quite predictable.
Why is this happening
What is the essence of this phenomenon? Dependent behavior is primarily an attempt to compensate for one's own inferiority. The meaning of such a relationship is that the dependent person is trying to fill the void within himself with a partner. And this emptiness is quite scary. It manifests itself as an endless cold, as an excruciating discomfort, the filling of which is a matter of life and death.
A good mental he alth center is what a person needs in such cases, but instead he continues to desperately try to find a soul mate and become happy.
The roots of psychological addiction
The above are the reasons for building "sick" relationships, but this phenomenon has its origins. To understand the reasons, you need to return todeep childhood. When a baby is born, he is in a dependent relationship with his mother. Ideally, they do not feel separate from each other. This guarantees the child care, a sense of trust and protection. If a person goes through this stage normally - receives enough love - he will be open to the world and normal relationships. If the mother was distant, gave the child little love, he grows up with an eternal thirst for it, which will be reflected in dependent relationships.
The second important stage occurs at the age of 18-36 months. Now the main task of the child is to separate, to become a person. He tries to do everything himself and should hear “yes” much more often than “no”. The parent should provide security, but not interfere with the exploration of the world. The child must feel that he himself is valuable and the fruits of his activities are also valuable.
It is now that the opportunity is born to feel complete and to enter into deep, emotional contact with other people. If the development went wrong, if the child's activity was suppressed, scolded, overprotected, then he would get bogged down in a dependent relationship, the whole world would be poisoned by fear and distrust.
Development doesn't stop there, that is, the wounds received can be healed, but the older we get, the less likely that this will happen. If a person’s need to receive love, acceptance and care was not satisfied in childhood, then he will “stick” to relationships with other people. The basis of dependent relationships is fear of life, self-doubt, a sense of inferiority,increased anxiety.
How dependent relationships are built
These relationships are a separate topic that can become material for an entire dissertation. Dependent behavior is manifested in the fact that a person is ready to endure anything, just not to be rejected and not to be left alone.
As already mentioned, love in a dependent relationship is a way to compensate for one's own insufficiency. The partner is an object that is designed to complement it to a holistic self. As you can see, such relationships are doomed to failure. The psychological state of both partners will only worsen, although the secondary benefits can keep the relationship long enough.
Developing such relationships
In fact, dependent relationships are very limited, in which the psychological territory of one person is completely dissolved in the psychological territory of another. His "self", sovereignty disappears, he ceases to live his own life, completely dissolving in the life of a partner.
However, the psychological state under such conditions can only worsen. The task of filling oneself with another person is impossible, since internal integrity is achieved only as a result of the development of internal resources. Addiction is putting another person in the place of God. However, the creation of an idol and serving him to self-forgetfulness does not relieve one's own insufficiency. Addiction is giving up on yourself.
Different dependency scenarios
There are a lot of scenarios according to which the described relations develop. We are all very different, and everyone is trying to get their own benefit. The more emotional a person is, the more passionately he rushes into such relationships and the faster he burns out. More restrained people, on the contrary, will test their strength, hesitate, but as a result they still won’t be able to get what they need out of them.
Let's look at the main scenarios of dependent relationships, in none of which there is a place for true intimacy, responsibility and love. The emotional characteristics of people determine which option they will choose:
- Reflection in a partner. The benefit of a dependent person here is obvious: he chooses for himself such a partner who will constantly show him that he is extraordinary. It is difficult to say who loses more in these relationships. A dependent person will constantly demand that his chosen one express his love, satisfy desires, every day would seek his location. That is, dooms to constantly prove that he is better than others and worthy of love. As soon as the partner gets tired of serving as a mirror, the relationship falls apart.
- Relinquishing your own sovereignty. This is the dissolution of one's world in someone else's. The feeling of affection in this case is so great that a person lives in the interests of his chosen one. All responsibility for life is transferred to him, and with it for desires, goals and aspirations. That is, the addict plays the role of a child. Moreover, the more emotional the child, the more difficult it will be to build such relationships.
- Maybethe opposite situation, when a dependent person seeks to absorb his partner himself, deprive him of sovereignty, subdue him. The emotional-volitional person in this case plays the role of a parent. He guides him based on the idea: "He can't do it on his own, I know better what's best for him."
- Absolute possession and destruction of the psychological territory of the object of love. That is, a partner for a dependent person in this case is perceived as a thing, and complete possession of him allows you to feel strong and significant. Moreover, responsibility for the life of a partner is declared, but not carried out, they are simply used. On it you can test your own ability to rule.
Main symptoms of emotional addiction
Only at first glance, strong attachment (read - addiction) is a synonym for love. In fact, this is a destructive relationship that you need to be able to see. How to see dependence behind numerous masks? First of all, in this case, partners often conflict, sort things out, quarrel. At the same time, the dependent partner seeks to maintain these relationships at any cost. Despite insults, humiliation, beatings, jealousy and betrayal, he will find hundreds of reasons for himself to stay together.
It is noteworthy that the addict is constantly striving to save his partner, to change him for the better. This can be seen most clearly in the example of a chronic alcoholic and his wife. At the same time, the addict refuses to perceive reality, he continues to be in the illusion that everythingget better. For him, the whole world narrows down to a single object, he stops communicating with friends, stops doing what he loves.
The inner changes of an addicted person depend on how emotional the person is. But most often his mood changes to depressive and depressed. He is more and more convinced of his own unattractiveness, self-esteem falls before our eyes. The addict tends to hide from others problems in relationships with a partner.
Moreover, he can simultaneously earn for himself one or more types of addiction. Not necessarily it will be alcohol or drugs - someone will become a shopaholic, the other will get hooked on sweets. Finally, physical he alth problems complete the list of symptoms. These are sleep disturbance and indigestion, skin diseases and psychosomatic diseases.
How to get rid of emotional addiction
A qualified psychologist can help you get out of the described situation. If you live in Moscow, you can contact the Gest alt Center, where the best specialists in their field are waiting for you.
In fact, any therapy is an appeal to oneself, a return to the roots, to early childhood, to healing oneself with the power of love, which was not enough then. This is what the psychologist will offer you.
The next step is very important - to recognize the existence of addiction. One of the signs of this is its complete denial. Until you stop and face her, you will be doomed to run from her for the rest of your life,pretending you just don't see her. Only after that you can move on to a new stage, to studying yourself, to deepening contact with yourself, feeling your own desires, long atrophied and forgotten, your feelings, needs and boundaries. It is now possible to work with self-esteem and the ability to accept yourself.
Experiencing strong emotions in addicted people is usually blocked. Often we become addicted precisely when we are unable to accept our anxiety and fear, shame and guilt.
Suppressing feelings is not freedom, and you already know where this path leads. Therefore, an important direction in working with a psychologist is the gradual discovery of the entire spectrum of feelings. You have to allow yourself to live them, to feel them, to change with them. From here, another path opens - taking responsibility for your life. And this is at the same time a denial of responsibility for the lives of other people, for their fate and decisions. This is the only way to establish he althy boundaries in a relationship. This immediately resolves a huge number of problems, conflicts, resentment and pressure.
Deep Level Healing
When all the previous steps are completed, the opportunity to move to a new level will open. A psychologist can help you regain your ability to feel vulnerable and attached, your need for intimacy. Releasing the inner child is a long and difficult process. Usually, in order to complete this process, it is required to work out the consequences of psychological trauma. Working with traumatic experience is the need to mourn and say goodbye to unfulfilled childhood happiness,with those dreams that remained unfulfilled. As a result of such mourning, we grow up.
Finally, the last task remains - to learn constructive communication without manipulation. We need to learn to accept ourselves and others, to endure reality and its discrepancy with our expectations, to accept our own emotions, to accept and share responsibility. And at the same time stay in touch with your inner child. Psychological help will be invaluable for acquiring new skills.
