The despotism of a person is determined by his inability to take into account the opinions and rights of other people. The behavior of this type of personality is characterized by such features as aggressiveness and vindictiveness, and the main striking feature of manifesting oneself as a person is expressed in him in the harsh suppression of any attempt by a controlled person to realize his will. How to recognize a tyrant "by sight" and prevent the spread of his influence on yourself and your loved ones?
What does a despotic person mean?
Polish philosopher Stanisław Jerzy Lec described a tyrant as a man whose wounds constantly spew rivers of other people's blood. Modern psychologists believe that, despite the metaphorical nature of this statement, it most accurately characterizes a despotic person who projects all his old grievances and doubts onto his current relationship with others.
A despot is rarely able to achieve real respect, since he lacks objectivity and is unable to create even an adequate illusion of justice, howeverhe is almost never aware of his true position in the eyes of other people. In a person who is mentally he althy and has good self-esteem, the attempts of a despot to subordinate him to his will can only cause natural rejection, unwillingness to communicate with him anymore, but not fear and not the need to give in. For this reason, only individuals of an inert type, dependent, co-dependent fall under the influence of a power lover.
How to understand whether a despotic person or not? The pedantry of the despot at work and at home has been brought to pathological proportions, and while establishing strict rules of behavior, the way of life and the appearance of those around him, he does not take into account anyone's wishes, except his own. Covering his actions with high moral ideals and the unquestioning “it must be so, because it must be so,” the domestic tyrant does not even perceive logically sound arguments against.
How to recognize a despot?
The main behavioral signs of a despotic person are:
- The desire of the object to take control of everyone who shows interest in it (anyone), and then the desire to maintain this control at any cost.
- Vengeance, always developing in two directions - against objects under control to intimidate them, and against those who managed to leave the tyrant's sphere of influence.
- The need to morally and physically humiliate people, which always happens openly, defiantly.
- Unmistakable "flair", which determines the environment of weak, not prone to moral resistance personalities.
All despotic people are greatmanipulators, so at the very beginning of communication they can be recognized only by indirect signs. The final "disclosure" of character occurs when the tyrant meets resistance against himself or feels the complete submission of others and no longer considers it necessary to hide his true "I".
What is gaslighting?
The most common type of psychological abuse used by a despot against an intended victim is called gaslighting. As a rule, this method of strong moral pressure is used to induce obedience to the "obstinate" second half, less often - to manipulate parents, sisters, brothers.
How does gaslighting work? After a relatively calm “entry” into a relationship, the despot begins by his behavior, gradually pushing the victim to various criticisms, tears, statements of resentment, etc. After the act of provocation, when the negative message has already been made, the tyrant returns to a state of complacency, and the indignant response " takes him by surprise." That is, “he did nothing wrong” and does not understand “how he deserved” such treatment. It is understandable that the victim feels confused, guilty and tries to earn the forgiveness of the petty tyrant.
Such a scenario of events in different presentations is played out many times, and in the end the victim herself comes to the conclusion that she is the initiator of the scandals, although in fact she was skillfully led to this each time. Thus, a despotic person undermines the self-esteem of his "chosen one",making it convenient for further manipulation.
In parallel, so that in the circle of acquaintances of the victim there is no one who could point out to her the true state of affairs, the tyrant tries to alienate his companion from friends and relatives. Most often, the method of bilateral influence is used - the victim is told that the only one who loves and understands her is her domineering lover, and various unsightly things are told to friends about the girl. Having created a vacuum around the subjugated personality, the tyrant enters into the already undivided possession of the desired object.
Reasons for despotic behavior
What is a despotic person? Psychologists have no doubt that people are not born tyrants, just as they do not suddenly become tyrants at a late age. The makings of despotic behavior are formed in a person in childhood due to the development of one of the following factors:
- upbringing in a family where the opinion of the child did not play a role;
- parental suggestion to the child that he is exceptional and his position is much higher than that of others;
- the presence of several children in the family who are forced to fight for the attention of adults (perhaps for the best clothes, toys, etc.);
- frequent humiliation of the child by relatives or peers due to his physical or moral characteristics.
Violent actions of a father against a mother in the presence of children or parents against one child in the presence of another sometimes gives rise to a subconscious desire in the witness of the execution to join the strong side, so as not to "fall underhand." Over time, this repeated sense of false security can also cause the child to deliberately assume the role of the abuser.
Atypical forms of despotism in family life
Even in a family with a clear division into a strong male half and a weak female half, a spouse can act as an aggressor and despot. In the absence of the opportunity to use physical force against a man, women often use their main weapon - verbal humiliation of a partner. If the husband does not succumb to provocations or responds in kind, blackmail or direct threats replace insults.
Starting from the age of three, the need to show their leadership qualities in children also increases. The most acute periods of the need for self-affirmation and general recognition of its significance occur in a child at the age of 3-5 and 13-15, which is reflected both in his behavior and in the increased demands on the actions of others.
The aggressor and his victim
In childhood, all events and human actions are perceived by a person from the point of view of the polar meanings of “bad” or “good”. Faced with a traumatic situation, the child always identifies his personality with one of the parties, taking on the role of a “victim” or “tormentor”, and in the future already adheres to this state, recognized by the psyche as “comfortable”.
Growing up, the "victim" will seek to connect with his missing part of the personality - more confident, powerful, able to fight back. Thus, seeing before her an example of what she herself would like to be, shewill experience the illusion of “processing” an unpleasant event experienced in childhood, but in fact will not deviate from his role.
In turn, the "torturer" will not be able to live without the projection of his prevailing possibilities. He needs to receive constant confirmation of his strength, impunity, ability to control and suppress. At the same time, the role of the “victim” is by no means a secondary one, because in her ability to suffer, show generosity, forgive the aggressor finds the missing elements of her own, flawed personality.
Tyrant husband
A despotic person, which means domineering, narcissistic, is a great grief for the family, especially if the wife chooses the tactics “a bad peace is better than a good quarrel”. Of course, reciprocal aggression is not an option either - then family life turns into an open struggle for the title of "who is stronger", but agreement with a dependent position will not be a relief for a woman.
Male tyranny in the family first manifests itself in small things against the backdrop of a benevolent and generally prosperous environment. The husband removes most of the responsibility from his wife, shows himself as a friend and adviser, and only then it turns out that this was done for the sole purpose of depriving the woman of her independence and freedom of expression.
But even having reached his goal, a despotic person, by definition, cannot stop. He will find more and more reasons to be dissatisfied, and the woman will either have to come to terms with the eternal fate of the “guilty head”, or completely eliminate the tyrant from her life. Unfortunately, it is not possible to correct a despot husband or somehow shake him into confidence in his own rightness.
Tyrant Woman
Women's tyranny is mostly considered one of the means of adaptation to environmental conditions and much less often than men's, is a consequence of the moral need to enjoy someone's humiliation. Of course, there are many power-hungry wives-housewives or ladies who use methods of suppressing someone else's will to compensate for their feelings of insecurity, but mostly in the female version, despotism is situational.
So, one can observe the development of tyrannical traits in a woman when she works for a long time in a leadership position in a male team or if her labor activity takes place in law enforcement agencies. In an environment where toughness is no longer required (for example, at home), a woman's behavior changes dramatically, and she becomes sensitive, kind and considerate.
How to help a despot and should I do it?
A despotic person does not disdain the desires of other people because they seem insignificant to him, but because he is afraid of losing his own significance in the eyes of other people. At a psychologist's appointment, where the issue of despotism of one of the spouses is raised in the name of saving the marriage, the specialist always first finds out the areas of non-realization of the aggressor's own capabilities and then works in these directions.
What is psychological therapy witha man whose tyrannical tendencies endangered family life:
- eliminate inferiority complex;
- concentration on the development of true virtues with the gradual disposal of false ones;
- finding reference points for self-affirmation due to existing abilities and talents;
- forming a respectful attitude towards others.
The key moment of therapy is the moment when a despotic person gains the ability to admit that he is wrong. In fact, this fact is considered one of the most important, since the tyrant always considers himself right, and his opinion is unquestioningly true. When a person recognizes that in some situations the opinions of others may seem more valuable than their own, it is possible to have a dialogue with them and find compromises.
Unfortunately, not in all cases of turning to a specialist it is possible to turn a domestic despot into a person with a he althy attitude to interpersonal communications. If a miracle does not happen, the only way out for the repressed spouse from a traumatic relationship is to part with the aggressor.
