What is shame, each of us knows. This is an unpleasant sensation that causes internal imbalance. It can be so strong that it unsettles for a long time, preventing normal activity. How does shame appear (this is an alien burning feeling), is it worth eradicating it? How to treat him right? You will find answers to all these questions in the article.
Is there a sense of shame
In fact, a developed personality understands that in this world nothing is completely ashamed. But the nuance is that if you go out to Red Square in an improper form, then this will be fraught with at least a conversation with the district police officer. First of all, you need to understand that it is bad not just to commit some unsightly act. The problem is that shame is a feeling that arises when people who do not understand the situation find out about this action.
We are all people, and the body of each of us works purely individually. Some of us need more food, water, love, work, entertainment, sports, recreation, and so on. Shame is the result of a society not accepting a behavior. After all, there are always people who live by opposite laws.
Shame is brought up by the environment
A primitive example can be given even from the life of students who live in a hostel. In the room where excellent students live, there is always an atmosphere of cleanliness, order and the desire to learn. Such a student cannot tell his neighbors that he went to a nightclub last weekend. After all, his act will be considered improper for an educated, well-mannered person. That is, he will experience shame (this is an unpleasant feeling of guilt for wasting his time irrationally).
There is also a completely opposite room. It is constantly noise, guests and fun. All residents believe that it is not necessary to study, because you can somehow agree with the teachers. In extreme cases, the control can be written off. In this room, everyone is constantly dressed up and in the evenings they go to discos or somewhere else. In the company of such students, it is simply unacceptable to declare that you spent last weekend with a summary of electrical engineering. As a result, they will say that living like this is boring and wrong. Such a student will think: “I am ashamed in front of my friends for being like those nerds.”
Norms required by society
From childhood, certain norms of behavior should be instilled. If desired, becoming an adult, a person improves and improves them. Among such moments are the following:
- Wipe your hands on the tablecloth.
- Make chomping noises while eating.
- Bang your plate loudly with your fork.
- Use a toothpick in plain sight.
- Clean your ear with your finger in front of someone and so on.
From childhood, we are taught that there are certain norms of social behavior. And it's a shame to break them. Of course, it all depends on the contingent in which the person falls. That is, if he is in an ordinary working environment of the most ordinary people, then the phrase: “I am ashamed because I took a sip of tea loudly,” no one will understand. But if the interlocutor is a highly intelligent person, then in front of him it is inconvenient even to accidentally hit a dish with a spoon.
Shame in raising children
Unfortunately, the concept of shame is often misused. This is done to protect the child from unwanted behavior. For example, the kid plays in the yard and greases new pants. Parents scold him, in every possible way point to misconduct. As a result, the phrase “Shame on you” is sure to sound. That is, the child gradually understands that he must experience a certain feeling for his misdeeds. He may not see any problem in smearing new things. After all, he just took a step to the side, and next to him was a dirty bench. But apparently Mom and Dad don't understand this, so it's much easier to keep your head down and demonstrate that shame is indispensable here.
Unfortunately, gradually such a person becomes withdrawn. He is afraid to say or do anything, because any of his actions will be judged as wrong. And everyone will know how he feels at the same time.
An adult who is ashamed
In the adult world, everythingthe situation is somewhat different than among children. An adult child who is constantly reproached for doing wrong, causing him to feel guilty, feels uncomfortable. Such a person does not understand well that you can do without shame. And those around him intuitively catch his fear.
The likelihood that such a person will fall into the company of exceptionally kind, gentle people who are sensitive to his feelings is extremely small. Usually, people around “probe” weak points, starting to manipulate mercilessly. They can deliberately model any situation in order to cause a feeling of shame. That is, an adult must understand the situation and be able to get himself out of childhood fears of this kind.
Shame in front of people who do not understand
The point is not to renounce shame altogether. This feeling is an indicator of prohibitions imposed from outside. The feeling is very unpleasant, reminiscent of a burning sensation inside. There is a desire to hide and erase one's own misdeed from memory. Is it worth it to feel shame in front of those who could understand what happened, but do not want to do this?
You should convince yourself that any condemnation of any impartial act is cleanliness. As you know, gay people are most condemned by those who deep down are strongly disposed towards them. People who do not really care about such a problem are interested in completely different things. And guilt and shame in front of them because of some stupidity or situations that need to be explained simply do not arise.
Another example speaks ofthat if you clearly point your finger at someone, you are actually pointing at yourself. If it turned out that the interlocutor committed some involuntary act, then you should not point a pointer at him and shout about it all over the street. By such behavior, the one who allegedly keeps order shows his natural involvement in this kind of thing.
Working with shame
An adult must decide for himself whether something is acceptable to him or not. And stick to people's respective views. Keeping the psyche he althy in this case is much easier. Thus, he will feel shame only in front of himself.
It's best to take this feeling as an indicator. An adult person chooses with whom he communicates. That is, if there is an unpleasant burning sensation inside, then here, rather, there is manipulation. Perhaps real or very old. You should not suppress the feeling of shame within yourself, but try, on the contrary, to extract it.
It is necessary, despite the discomfort, to sort out the situation on the shelves. That is, you need to find out:
- What happened.
- Own attitude and reasons.
- The opinion of the interlocutor (one or more).
- Who else will know and how they will react.
- What to do next.
Answers to questions
You need to honestly and without hesitation determine for yourself the event that has occurred, causing an unpleasant feeling inside. Then you need to answer the question about the reason for what happened, butyou can't deceive yourself here. That is, the nature of what happened is that the situation was misunderstood, some unacceptable remark was released, an impartial act was committed due to poor he alth, and so on.
Then it is very important to understand how the interlocutor reacted to what happened. If his reaction turned out to be arrogant, judgmental and cruel, then thoughts should arise about how the dialogue with this person even happened. Rather, it is not necessary to communicate closely with him. You should also probe those people who may find out about the misconduct.
In the future, you need to behave as if nothing had happened. At the same time, you should draw your own conclusions. That is, if the interlocutors turned out to be people who showed cruelty, then communication should be minimized and rejoice for the people for whom everything always happens exceptionally perfectly. Because this does not exist in nature in principle.
Who is preferable to be friends with
If a person reacted normally, then you should give him a plus. It also characterizes the interlocutor very well his ability to ignore the situation. But there is a moment of sincerity here, and it needs to be felt.
That is, you need to communicate with those who are interested in their own lives. Such people will not bother their heads with some peculiarities that happened to their comrade. On the contrary, if they see that a person is very worried about something, feels shame, a feeling of guilt, then they will try to get him out of this state. It very often happens thatThere was no bad intention on the part of the one who seemed to have committed a shameful act. And there is an unpleasant feeling. In this case, a real friend will help to see that the act of a damn thing is not worth a damn.
So should we be upset about something we are not really guilty of? The logical answer is no. It is better to treat shame not as something unpleasant and requiring a valve in the far corner of the subconscious. You need to take this feeling as an indicator. Thus, it will be possible to turn it to your advantage and improve your well-being.
