People cannot live without a sense of belonging to the life of another person. We all need to feel loved and needed. Everyone wants to be taken care of, to show sincere attention. Attachment is one of the forms of manifestation of love. Everyone knows that a sense of well-being is born from an unconscious need to be needed by someone.
This article discusses the origins of attachment. Perhaps this material will help someone understand difficult relationships with a spouse, child, parents and make the right decision.
Definition of concept
Affection is the need for another person's love. How often we begin not only to expect such manifestations of feelings in our direction, but even get offended, angry when attention is not focused on our person. These are the fears of an insecure person who does not know his worth. Attachment to a person, in fact, reflects our ownrelationship with oneself and life in general. It has been observed that the more a person loves himself, the less he feels the need for other people. That is, strong attachment is always a synonym for personal trouble, lack of confidence in one's strengths and capabilities.
How is this feeling formed?
The origins of any manifestations of trouble should always be sought in childhood. If an adult suffers excessively without the presence of a spouse or child in his life, is afraid to separate from his parents, this means that there is some problem. Perhaps when he was a child, his parents did not pay enough attention to him. And now he is trying to compensate for this dislike, trying to be needed by everyone he can: the second half, his own child. But such an omission cannot be corrected over time: everything must be done on time, and love too. It is very important to go through all the stages of love gradually, so as not to mix relationships later, not to add unnecessary insults and misunderstandings.
Painful focus on someone interferes with development, the formation of prospects for the future, hinders personal growth. Attachment to a person sometimes infringes on one's own interests, makes one look for ways to maintain relationships. You don't need to get too attached, you need to have some personal space: to live by yourself and let others build their own destiny.
Bowlby's Attachment Theory
A British scientist has identified 4 types of predisposition to the development of the inability to live without another person. John Bowlby mainly considered the relationship of a mother with a child, but this model also makes sense in the light of the interaction of adults with each other. The first kind of attachment he called secure. Its essence is as follows: in the relationship, reasonable boundaries have been reached between the adult and the needs of the child. The parent does not in any way infringe on the personality of his child, allows him to fully grow, to receive the necessary knowledge. I must say, this type of attachment is the most constructive of all, because it does not hinder development, does not make you suffer.
Anxious-avoidant line of behavior demonstrates the child's dependence on the parent, forms deep feelings in case of separation from him, the inability to be alone even for a short time. Emotional attachment is very strong. Due to the fact that the parent shows little emotion, the child is afraid to express his own feelings aloud, there is a fear of intimacy. As they get older, these children experience significant difficulty in building personal and friendship relationships, as they constantly feel that they are not interesting to others, which leads to doubts about their worth.
The dual-resistance stance is manifested by great fear of the unknown. A person himself puts obstacles in the way of self-knowledge and self-improvement. Uncertainty and shyness are the result of upbringing in childhood, when parents did not recognize the obvious merits of the child, did not praise him for his courage, so he became extremely shy.
The disorganization-controlled position includes all of the above manifestations and is characterized by inconsistency in actions, frequent mistakes, non-recognition of one's value, fear, and obsessive states. Bowlby's theory of attachment demonstrates the origin of such a phenomenon as painful psychological dependence on another person. Relationships like this always destroy feelings.
Affection or love?
When does love become an addiction? Where is the line that separates true relationships from those that make a person act as a beggar? Understanding this issue is not as easy as it might seem at first glance.
The most difficult of all are human relationships. Attachments, whatever they may be, sometimes bring great suffering.
A lover constantly needs a partner to assure him of his boundless love, to demonstrate infinite tenderness and fidelity. If this does not happen, doubts, suspicions, unfounded accusations, jealousy begin. This happens only because a person is extremely unsure of himself and somewhere in the depths of his soul doubts that he can be loved at all. True feeling is free from demands, arrogant talk and fear. Love wants to give itself, manifest itself in endless care for a loved one and does not require anything in return.
How to recognize an unhe althy relationship?
Painful attachment is always a limited self-perception. People think that they are not loved, but onin fact, they themselves do not show interest in themselves, do not use the opportunities that could benefit them, bring them to a new level of development. A person experiencing a state of acute attachment does not value himself as a person. That's why he needs another to compensate for his own drama in this love.
It turns out a vicious circle. Often the phrase is used: "I can't live without you." In this case, you always want to ask: “How did you live before meeting your loved one? Did they really vegetate, endured hunger and cold? Even if you owe something to a specific person, you must learn to live independently so as not to feel led all your life.
Negative Consequences
We have already figured out how excessive attachment can interfere with personal growth. Negative phenomena like self-doubt and low self-esteem are inevitable consequences. And what is the result? The personality is lost in the stream of its own fears, and at some point it simply becomes impossible for it to move forward. And it all starts with self-love. If a person is able to think about his well-being, engage in self-education, then his life changes for the better.
How to overcome unrequited love?
Such a fate, most often, befalls precisely those who have not learned to appreciate their own personality. As if these people are given a test, as a result of which they must regain their lost individuality, learn to understand what is important to them.
Many unfortunate lovers are interested in how to get rid of an attachment that brings only suffering? Tips will not help here, you must definitely go through a comprehensive pain that literally tears your heart in half. When the tears dry, people come to the realization that they didn’t really love, but they thought so, because life without this drama had nothing to fill. All you have to do is find a new meaning for your existence.
Why is it so important to love yourself?
Adequate perception of one's own personality is the key to success in any endeavor. Self-love provides many benefits and, above all, a powerful inner core. Then, no matter what happens, a person will know that any problems are solved, there is no global catastrophe that could not be corrected. A person becomes truly free only when he is able to take responsibility for everything that happens to him.
Thus, painful attachment to other people is not at all an indicator of strong love for them, but a consequence of a serious flaw, an omission in the formation of one's own personality. To live happily, you need to be independent, to gain inner freedom. And only then does it become possible to truly love.
