I don't think I love the baby. What to do? Psychologist's advice

2024 Author: Miguel Ramacey | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 06:11

“I don’t love my child…” For many girls, this phrase may seem completely strange and stupid, but in fact it happens that the parent does not feel anything towards the baby. Moreover, family psychologists say that at least once in a lifetime, but every woman had the thought that she did not love her child. Another thing is that every normal mother tries to instantly drive her away from herself, and this is absolutely the right approach.

And if society has long been accustomed to unreliable mothers who leave their children in the care of the state, then the coldness of a woman raising a child is extremely unfriendly. And in order to solve the problem, first of all, you need to find the cause, and there can be a lot of them.

Expecting a baby

It is customary to assume that pregnancy is a happy period of waiting for the birth of a baby. But often this is not at all the case, the body suffers strong changes, and with them problems and discomfort. A new daily routine, and what can we say about tastepreferences and behavior! Therefore, sometimes a woman does not love the one who grows in her, because because of him you have to go through all the transformations.

And pregnancy can be unplanned, which completely changes plans for life, which makes it difficult for the expectant mother to get used to the upcoming changes. Sometimes a girl even throws phrases like: “I don’t love the child with whom I am pregnant!” If things are like this, then it's too early to panic. Often, with the advent of the baby into the world or very soon, the maternal instinct also appears.

Newborns

But it happens otherwise. In the first days, weeks, and sometimes months, the mother has absolutely no feelings for the child. And that's okay. Most often, this phenomenon is called postpartum depression, the causes of which are difficult to investigate, since most often women are afraid of disapproval in society and try to spread less about their problem. In general, there is nothing terrible about this: it lasts a short time, and apathy, spleen, and nervousness disappear with postpartum depression. And they are replaced by a huge maternal love for her child. And it will even be scary to imagine that not so long ago the phrase “I don’t love a child” was spinning in my head.

It also happens that the cause can be a simple disappointment. The girl hopes to see a cute baby, but most often the baby is not born too cute, thereby not living up to expectations. After all, as for a girl, childbirth also becomes a lot of stress for him. But soon everything will change, and he will become the mostcute creature. Yes, and postpartum depression is to blame, with its disappearance, all negative emotions and all kinds of doubts will pass.

Sometimes the cause can be a difficult pregnancy or a difficult birth. On a subconscious level, a mother blames her child for what she went through. But soon it will pass. And it does not matter at what moment this love appeared - in the first seconds or after months, because as a result every mother will love her baby equally strongly.

Too active child

It happens that a child is too active and does not give the mother a minute of rest, because such a baby needs to be constantly monitored. And among other things, there are duties at home, work and other things. The girl does not have time for rest, which is necessary for any person. So, excessive workload is manifested by a negative attitude towards the child, and sometimes a woman even catches herself thinking that her own child annoys her. Any, even the most insignificant offense can anger.

This problem is solved depending on the degree of mother's fatigue. Perhaps it will be enough to take the child to relatives for the weekend, while the woman can be alone, spend time on herself, diversify her leisure time, or simply sleep. And then, with renewed vigor, she can return to her baby, and more often than not, by the end of the weekend, she herself begins to miss her child.

If the problem has gone too far, and the woman is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, then the bestAn option would be to seek help from a specialist. But in this case the mother cannot say, "I don't love the child." It simply affects the accumulated fatigue and excessive irritability.

Too educated kid

“I don’t love my child because he is too well-mannered” - no matter how strange it may sound, but sometimes this is exactly what parents of an educated child feel beyond their years. If a child is very smart, well-mannered and ahead of his peers in terms of knowledge, sometimes adults instead of pride feel only their own imperfection next to him. They do not know how to behave, and the only thing they do is constantly get angry at the baby, nevertheless realizing that they are actually wrong, and the child is not to blame for anything. And it turns out a kind of vicious circle.

But the main trouble with this problem is that parents rarely admit that they have it. It is difficult for them to admit to themselves, and there can be no question of a professional. And so the child grows up in a family where for parents he is a constant reminder of their failure. The most correct solution would be the help of specialists or the study of literature that addresses this issue.

Adolescence

When a child reaches adolescence in many families, difficulties begin, because sometimes even the most obedient child begins to behave absolutely recklessly. And where mutual understanding and love reigned quite recently, discord begins. Children are rude to their parents, and those, in turn, are incredibly offended in response to affection and care to receiveaudacity and rudeness. Because of this, they begin to get angry at the child and gradually move away from him. Sometimes even in the hearts throw the phrase: "I do not love the child." The teenager also feels that the attitude towards him has changed, begins to protest in ways known to him - anger and rudeness. It would be most correct to turn to a family psychologist so that a specialist can help improve relations in the family and bring parents and a child out of a stressful state. After all, the most dangerous thing in this situation is that adolescence will pass, but mutual reproaches and insults will remain for life.

Wife's first marriage child

Often when a marriage breaks up, the child is left to live with the mother. And when a new man appears in a girl's life, he must live with the child, raise him, or at least just communicate.

Often, the chosen one, having come to the house, considers himself an authority and begins to lead the baby, teach him, and sometimes even demand. It is extremely erroneous to assume that the child must immediately obey unconditionally. Each child understands that all adults are different, and in any case, you first need to earn his respect or love, especially if the child continues to communicate with his father. In this case, he may not understand the functions of the new person at all. And that is why, if he feels pressure on himself, he begins to show his character from the negative side. Which, in turn, is met negatively by the stepfather and is accompanied by a response. The chosen one declares: “I don’t love my wife’s child from my first marriage.”

What to do? How to solve this problem? And you just need to win his favor with deeds and your good attitude. After all, children are very good at guessing the emotions that they experience. And on a subconscious level, they understand the attitude towards themselves: do they love them, or are they treated only as a difficulty that prevents a new person from building relationships with his mother. And we should not forget that it is the stepfather who invades the usual way of life of the child, which is why he should try to establish contact.

One of the most important nuances in solving the problem that has arisen is the time it takes for the child to actually begin to respect and love the head of the renewed family.

Sometimes, despite all attempts to improve relations, nothing happens, the child does not love his stepfather, and he does not love him in return. And the relationship just can't get better. Very often, the reason lies in the fact that the child is jealous of the mother for the new chosen one. After all, before the arrival of the new “dad”, all attention was directed only to him, and now it is divided. It has become smaller, and the baby is afraid that everything will only get worse. Therefore, he begins to pour out all his negativity on a new person, which, in turn, can cause a response. And this is absolutely natural, it is not at all surprising that deep in his soul a man decides: “I don’t love my wife’s child from my first marriage.” After all, even if the arsenal of knowledge contains books read and lectures on pedagogy, it can be quite difficult to apply this knowledge in practice: when emotions and rage overwhelm, it becomes extremely difficult to rationallythink.

Therefore, the cause of the problem must be addressed, the mother must explain to her child that she will not love him less because of the new husband. He is just as precious and important to her as ever. But I would like to note: if the child tries to benefit from the current situation, you can’t follow his lead. And only when mutual understanding between mother and child is fully established, the stepfather can safely begin to build relationships.

Husband's child from his first marriage

Here the situation is a little different than it was said above. Most often, the child stays with his mother, and he just comes to visit his father. Therefore, it will be enough to establish friendly and trusting relationships, but it can be difficult to do this. “I don’t love my husband’s child from my first marriage,” these words can often be heard from a new darling.

Usually, initially the girl is mistaken. Before the wedding, being in dreams, she thinks that if she loves her chosen one, she will be able to feel warm feelings for his child. But making contact is more difficult than it seems at first glance. The child may be jealous of the father. This is not at all surprising, because a new person appeared in his life. And then a woman, seeing such an attitude towards herself, also begins to dislike the child. In this case, you just need to get used to and accept each other. Over time, most likely, mutual hostility will be left far behind. It is worth noting that a girl should not coax a child with various gifts, since in this case he will notlove her more, but will simply treat her consumerly.

It also happens that money becomes a stumbling block for a woman. She is sorry for the funds that her husband invests in former children. And sometimes a man, feeling guilty, gives his ex-wife much more money than his current one. Scandals on this basis begin to occur in the family, and then a woman can say: “I don’t love my husband’s child from my first marriage,” because she believes that he is indirectly the culprit of all the troubles.

In this case, it would be best to have a calm conversation with your spouse. And try to plan the budget more adequately, so that it suits both.

Sometimes it happens that a baby from a previous marriage becomes an obstacle to the birth of a joint. The woman wants a child, and the man complains that he already has children. It turns out that the child does not allow the woman's dreams to come true. And then common sense fades into the background, and only hostility remains, and sometimes even hatred. Then you can often hear from a girl: “I don’t love my husband’s child!”

Here, first of all, it is important to constantly repeat that the child is not to blame for anything, and you cannot blame him for your personal mistakes. Before you connect your life with a person, especially if the second half already has a baby from his first marriage, you need to discuss this nuance. Does he want children or not? This situation, by the way, can affect the stronger sex. It is generally accepted that a woman, having met a new man, gives him a joint child, but this statement is not always true. Sometimes a girlwho already has a child does not want to go through pregnancy and childbirth again.

In any case, the main thing is to come to a compromise, the desires of the couple regarding such a serious issue must coincide. After all, good relationships are built on this, it is impossible for someone to put ultimatums and go against the aspirations of another. And if a compromise is found, it is unlikely that the girl will have the thought in her head: “I don’t love my husband’s child.”

Jealousy

Sometimes the baby is great with a new friend or acquaintance, he does not interfere with anything, does not constrain, does not affect life in any way, but is still insanely annoying. Basically, in these cases, we are talking about jealousy. Usually a couple, when they first start dating, spends a lot of time together. However, with the beginning of a life together, everything returns to normal, the schedule becomes the same, part of the time is devoted to work, friends, hobbies and a child from a previous marriage.

Sometimes it seems to the spouse that the child is loved more than them. Because of this, jealousy is manifested, and at the same time hostility towards the baby. As often happens, this problem can be solved with the help of a conversation. It is enough to talk with your soulmate and discuss how the partner plans to spend his leisure time, how much time to spend on it, whether to take the child with him on vacation. I would like to note that all issues should be resolved during the conversation, and one cannot hope that over time it will be possible to remove the child from the life of a loved one. And most importantly - to dramatize less, to drive negative thoughtsaway.

There is one more nuance: sometimes jealousy is more directed not at the child, but at the ex-wife or husband. But since the child becomes an occasion for communication between the former spouses and something in common, unconsciously the person begins to blame the child. They can see each other, meet or talk on the phone. And this thought alone can lead to despair, so the storm of negative emotions does not subside inside and finds a way out in this way.

Only time and rational thinking can help here. First of all, it is important to realize that someone, and the child, is probably not to blame for what is happening, you should not blame him for his inability to resolve the situation and sort out feelings. First you need to determine whether these fears are groundless, or whether there really is reason to be jealous of your soulmate. And if fears are a fantasy, then you should take care of yourself and sort out individual problems. After all, a beautiful and self-confident person will not be afraid that someone else will be preferred to her.

Different personalities

Sometimes it happens that people just don't get along. Or a person admits: “I don’t like small children.” And if, due to circumstances or differences in character, a new person cannot get along with the child, then perhaps you should not force yourself, but try to reduce communication as much as possible, coming only to a respectful relationship. Further time will tell, perhaps in the future the situation will change for the better.

The main thing is to realize that a child is forever, so you need to eithercome to terms with the presence of another person in the life of the chosen one, or break off relations with this person.

Child from ex-husband

Sometimes from some women you can hear: "I do not like the child from the ex." Perhaps the baby is unplanned, and feelings for a person have long since passed, or they did not exist at all. Perhaps there was a painful separation. And even worse, the former humiliated morally and physically. And then it is even more likely to hear: “I don’t like the child from my ex-husband.”

A woman gets divorced and remains in a difficult mental and financial situation. Therefore, all the pain, resentment and anger can affect the baby. Sometimes their outward resemblance infuriates, it’s just that the nerves can’t stand it, and the mother breaks down on the child, does not love him. Or she loves, but from time to time he really annoys her.

How to solve this difficult problem? It is important to learn how to manage your anger, in no case take it out on the baby, because regardless of feelings towards the child, you need to remember that the main task is to raise a good person. And if he grows up in an uncomfortable atmosphere and feels dislike for himself, this is fraught with many problems in his later adult life. Well, to realize that dislike for a child is connected only with the former, and only by letting go of all resentment against the baby’s father, you can stop being angry with the child. Then you don't even have to remember phrases like: "I don't like the child from my first marriage."

Someone else's children

If there is antipathy towards other people's children or a friend's child, then forFor some, this can be a problem, especially if you don't want to lose a close friend. And if a girl clearly understands: “I don’t like my friend’s child,” then in this situation everything should be carefully analyzed and understood, because of what exactly such emotions arose. For example, a friend comes to visit with a baby, and unnerves the mess that remains after the child. The most correct decision would be to meet somewhere in a neutral place, for example, in a cafe. Or even reduce communication with a friend, avoid personal meetings and limit yourself to only telephone conversations. You can just talk to a friend and directly discuss everything that does not suit you.

"How to Love a Child" by Janusz Korczak

This is a wonderful book and may be the first step towards problem solving and improvement. It is a real guide to parenting. It will help to cope with the difficulties faced by parents of children of different ages, from newborns to teenagers. And all this is written in an excellent literary language using interesting metaphors and comparisons by the master of the word and his work, the teacher J. Korchak.