"Mom" - for someone this word means care, affection, patience, acceptance and support, while others feel strictness, authority, coldness or pressure. The image of mother accompanies us throughout our lives, whether we like it or not. Bad relationships with the mother often cause serious psychological problems and complexes. After all, a small child continues to live in every person up to gray hair. How to repair a bad relationship with your mother, psychology for women and men - more.
The karmic aspect of the relationship with mom
Why does a person have a bad relationship with his mother? Karma sees mom as a mirror. This statement is especially true for girls and women. If you don’t like something in your mother, you are unable to accept her, look at her as your reflection. What character traits of yours that you do not accept too much are similar to your mother's traits? Think about how you can fix themchange your attitude towards your mother, because she also goes through certain lessons.
When moms are too much
When does bad relationship with mother occur? Psychology says that the relationship between mother and child ceases to be he althy when there are a lot of mothers, she tries to control everything, notices only negative aspects, for example, like this: Well done, but if you did as I told you, It would be better, but now what? In the end, the child grows up with the idea that he is not beautiful enough, not smart enough, does not have the ability to succeed.
Some of the main causes of bad relationships
There are several specific reasons why the relationship with the mother is bad. Let's analyze them in detail:
- Child abuse in childhood. Understatement, resentment, anger, experienced in childhood, is not erased from memory, even in adulthood. Perhaps you even tried to find an excuse for your parents, but could not, this is natural, because the child is defenseless in front of adults. Take these memories as a fact of your biography, yes, parents were like that, childhood was not the best, but it is a great reason to make the present and future beautiful.
- Rivalry. A situation when a grown child says that he will not be like his parents and lives with one thought - to become better than his parents. This threatens serious problems with the opposite sex. A person simply has no time to arrange a relationship with someone else, because he is constantly poking around in the family of his parents and looking for new flaws, leaving no room for romanticfeelings. Accept that your parents are older, and this gives them a number of social advantages over you in the relationship role. Also, what do you like or dislike, but at least half of you are your parents.
- You didn't feel your parents were proud of you, and they rarely praised you. What to do with it? Just accept that for many people, the real problem is openly praising, giving compliments or kind words. This does not mean at all that they do not experience pride, joy and other positive emotions inside themselves. Don't live in the past.
Consider what psychology says. Bad relationship with mother will be considered separately for men and women. Let's analyze several psychological portraits of different types of families.
Resentment
She was so capable from early childhood, but then she stopped studying, married a loser, had a baby and sees nothing but four walls. And now she also has a bad relationship with her mother, because she snaps with or without reason, or, at best, speaks through her teeth, why is this happening? Such a picture is observed in a family where the mother combines two qualities at once: self-doubt and ambition. The mother decided to realize her own Napoleonic plans through her daughter, without regard for the child's preferences. Growing up, the girl declared a riot.
Jealousy
Bad mother-daughter relationships on the basis of jealousy are observed in a family where one child is considered a gift from God, and the other is given, as they say, what is left. Suchgirls seem to put on a dress with an ugly second number and try to prove to their mother all their lives that they are also worth something, and having got what they tried so hard for, precious mother’s attention, they don’t know how to enjoy it. For years, resentment, irritation, and rejection of oneself as a person have accumulated inside them. The only way out is to apologize to mom.
Denial
Bad relationship between mother and daughter occurs in "daddy's" daughters. Daughters do not like the image of how their mother lives, that they constantly repeat to themselves: "I'm not like a mother." Forgetting that the subconscious does not perceive denial and sooner or later become exact copies of the mother, living the life from which they tried to escape and the more similar to the mother, the more accumulated irritation. The way out is to stop looking at mom and doing "wrong", and just live your own life.
Wine
Mom worked three jobs to provide for and raise her daughter, and now she gets ungrateful treatment day after day, and it was so worth the effort. In such a family, parents who want to receive more recognition from children, because at home a not too grateful husband, or mother-in-law, or boss at work does not appreciate, shift responsibility onto them and make them live in guilt. This is often expressed in such phrases: “When you got sick, I didn’t sleep at night, but remember that operation, how much my father and I had to work for it? Did your English tutor just come to you, or did we hire him? II was in the hospital with you, your older sister was alone at home. This guilt can eventually grow to cosmic proportions and simply suffocate. Talk to your mother from a position of responsibility for her own decisions.
Change
Bad relationship with mother may be due to age. All parents go through the eternal conflict of fathers and children. In a few years, when the teenager matures, the relationship will improve. Another reason that relationships have deteriorated may lie in a change in the situation. For example, you lived alone for a long time, and now a new man or woman has appeared in your life. Any change of scenery is perceived by the child as a threat to well-being, even if he is already quite an adult. Maybe your son or daughter does not like some of the shortcomings of the new soulmate that you do not notice, or do not want to notice because you are afraid to be alone again. Speak impartially and try to calmly find out the reasons for what is happening.
Bad relationship with son
The reasons why a son has a bad relationship with his mother can be different, but basically it happens because the son does not look like either his father or his mother. He listens to some incomprehensible music, wears long hair, screams, protests, defends his interests, does not want to enter the economic (and how much effort and money was spent for this), instead of serious studies, he strums the guitar or draws terrible sketches of tattoos, well how to live peacefully here when everything is not so. It's the samethe situation, as in the case of daughters, only in a slightly different plane.
Psychological portrait of a man with a lack of female love
Bad relationship between mother and son hurts the male psyche. An unloved, unloved boy in childhood, who was often criticized and praised little, becomes an insecure man. Outwardly, he may look amazing, have some attributes of a successful life (car, own apartment, expensive things), but inside he will remain the same boy. As a rule, it is difficult for him to make decisions, because he continues to doubt his own abilities, he is incredulous, quick-tempered and emotional, subject to constant mood swings. He is rarely happy in love relationships, because at a deep level he continues to consider himself unworthy of love and attracts appropriate girls who do not know how to love. His companion will need time and a lot of patience to change the situation for the better.
Son and ex-husband
The second reason for a man's bad relationship with his mother is the mother's negative relationship with her ex-husband. This is especially pronounced if the son outwardly is very similar to his father. Then the mother expresses claims not to her son, but to what is in him from his father, to everything that prevented her from her point of view from building a happy marriage.
There are several solutions to this situation:
- Let your son go, let him live his life, rarely see each other on holidays and not try toredo.
- Talk to each other without social roles, as if two people just sat down to talk over a cup of tea, or on a train. Listen to everything, just like a story and tell your own.
- It will be good if the son can at least for a while forget that mom is mom and talk like he usually does with his beloved girlfriend or wife, try to understand the meaning of her actions in this way, look at the situation through her eyes, and not through the eyes of an offended child.
Son and father
This form of relationship is somewhat different from the previous model. In such a relationship, the mother, on an unconscious level, sends a message to her son, the future man, that she cannot live without him. It would seem that bad, but the momentum turns into total control. Such a mother is demanding and often does not want to see that her adult son also has personal space. The little boy is afraid of being rejected by his mother and agrees to such a game. He is serious beyond his years, very responsible, in this situation he builds a bad relationship with his father, with whom he can conflict until the end of his life. However, the mother does not benefit from this either, the boy grows into an aggressive man who wants to control every step of the household, he burns out at work, believes that love must be earned and does not believe in it.
How to change the relationship between mother and son?
A few tips for moms who want to build relationships with older sons:
- Leave your son's private life alone, let himthe opportunity to love the girl he chooses.
- Advise if he asks you, but not before.
- Remind him that you love him, even if he is in his thirties.
- If you are far away, use Skype or social networks to send a couple of photos together.
- Don't call five times a day, better make one short call every few days.
- Give up the habit of raising your voice and yelling at your son.
- Take your grandchildren for the weekend more often.
- The son's wife is your daughter and his beloved woman, but not your rival for his love.
- Arrange a family vacation in the park, cinema or in the country, such events are very uniting.
- Tell your son that he will succeed, just need to show a little patience.
Changing the role of mom
Grown up children have a bad relationship with their mother, what should I do? Stop being a mother in the classic "childish" sense of the word. Your children may already be parents themselves. Even a very bad relationship with your mother can be fixed. Surely you can say that your advice is appreciated by many, but not by children. But for others, you give advice in a slightly different manner: friendly, understanding, easy. Transfer this atmosphere to relationships with children, do not be a strict teacher for them, who constantly corrects, instructs, punishes and strictly looks.
Letter and gratitude
So, you have a bad relationship with your mother, what to do? Stop delving into the causes of what is left far in the past. Let go of the emotions that rob you of joy and a happy life every day. Just imagine how much energy space will be freed up for joy and positive emotions. Even if you do not want to forgive your mother for something, do it not for her sake, but for yourself. Negative emotions experienced every day for many years cause diseases, become the cause of stress and emotional breakdowns.
Think about what you can be thankful for your mom. It can be the same doll that you dreamed of as a child, cotton candy in the circus, skates or a car, start small. Create a gratitude list for your mom and in a few days you will see how much your subconscious remembered. These happy memories have always been with you, it's just that negative emotions prevented them from manifesting. Write your mom a letter in which you say everything you wanted to say for several years, or maybe all your life. You don't have to send it, just say it. You will see it get easier.
Look for similarities with your mother, consult with her even on trifles and say more often that you need her. Then your relationship will definitely warm up.
