Ungrateful people. Psychology. How to deal with an ungrateful person

2024 Author: Miguel Ramacey | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 06:11

The paradox of life is that ingratitude as a character trait is quite common. But luck turns away from people with this quality, bad luck becomes their companion, and there is no harmony and peace in the soul. Why is this happening?

What is ingratitude?

To answer this question, let's start with gratitude. It is part of the culture developed by mankind. It manifests itself in communication and relationships between people. Its essence is to appreciate the good done to someone and express gratitude to the benefactor.

But you often have to deal with a lack of gratitude. At the same time, the beneficiary does not express his gratitude in any way: neither in word nor in deed. Ungrateful people take money, emotions, or time spent on them for granted.

Moreover, in everyday life the concept of "black ingratitude" is used, when the benefactor not only does not receive words of gratitude in response to a good deed, but also feels obvious hostility on the part of the person to whomservice was provided. For many, such an attitude towards people becomes a quality of personality condemned by all peoples of the world.

An example of ingratitude

The concept under consideration is best illustrated by an example. One of the villagers decided to support a neighbor who had many children. Their pale appearance indicated that they were clearly malnourished. Having a cow on the farm, the peasant began to give the guys two bottles of milk a day. And soon it became a habit.

But by autumn the cow began to milk worse, and the amount of milk had to be reduced. Children began to receive only a bottle. And then there were times when there was no milk at all, and the owner of the cow had to apologize to a neighbor for not being able to help his family anymore.

But he was so offended by the refusal to help that he even stopped saying hello. Instead of saying, "Thank you for your free help for such a long time," the neighbor blazed with hatred for the benefactor.

Ingratitude as a grave sin

Christian religion perceives this quality as a vice. Ingratitude is described in the gospel parables. Everyone knows how Jesus cured ten people of leprosy. And only one of them thanked him for the miraculous salvation. There is also a parable about a snake that a stranger hid in his bosom to warm him from the cold. She, being warm, stung her savior.

In ancient Rome, ingratitude was considered a crime. On a slave set freethe shackles were put on again if he spoke badly of his master. And Dante, the 13th-century Italian thinker known for writing the Divine Comedy, placed the ungrateful in one of the circles of hell.

It is believed that the quality under discussion goes hand in hand with the main sins described in the Bible - pride, envy and hatred. Ungrateful people have high conceit. They sincerely believe that those around them should. Moreover, if they are offered less than expected, they perceive it as humiliation: "How can you put a piece of cake without a rose on my plate?" They are envious of those who got the best pieces, irritated at the memory of events where, in their opinion, they were humiliated and insulted.

Famous people who condemn ingratitude

Famous thinkers, writers and poets considered ingratitude an absolutely unacceptable human quality. So, Shakespeare said that there is nothing more monstrous than ingratitude. And Goethe recognized this as a kind of weakness, emphasizing that this quality cannot be inherent in outstanding personalities a priori.

Pythagoras denied nobility to the ungrateful. And Stephen King compared a child with the described quality to a poisonous snake.

Other sayings about ungrateful people

Of course, the above is absolutely true, but, however, like the idea that a good deed is not done for the sake of gratitude. For example, D. Mukherjee believes that if a good deed is told to everyone, then such a person cannot be called kind.

And Seneca claimed that the good deedthe recipient of the service should tell, not the one who provided it.

In turn, V. O. Klyuchevsky, a Russian historian, wrote that it is stupid to demand gratitude. D. Carnegie emphasized that a benefactor should receive inner joy from self-giving, and not wait for words of gratitude. A. Decurcelle added to this that such an expectation is a trade in good deeds.

History has many attempts to explain the origins of ingratitude. So, according to F. Nietzsche, the consciousness of being indebted becomes painful for people with a rough soul. And Tacitus suggested that good deeds can only be pleasant when the recipient is able to repay them. If they are exorbitant, then hatred arises towards the donor.

Unfortunately, ungrateful people, according to statistics, are quite common. It is not by chance that the gospel parable says that only one in ten is capable of gratitude for a service. But let's take a closer look at situations where people are generally not grateful.

Satisfaction of one's own needs

A person may not be fully aware, but he is always annoyed by the feeling of superiority on the part of a communication partner. In the background, it can even cause unmotivated aggression. Superiority can be expressed in absolutely different ways: from verbal abuse to a grin and condescending intonation. Imposed advice without asking is also an application for superiority: "I already know how …"

A person who does a good deed of his own free will, andwho does not fulfill the request of another person must be aware that he satisfies his own needs and can hardly count on a positive reaction in response. Consider this phenomenon on the example of Oprah Winfrey. The highest paid TV presenter in 2007 gave all viewers of her show a car. And what did you get in return? Lots of lawsuits. Outraged spectators were unhappy that taxes were demanded from them.

If a person does something without a request, in fact he wants to be useful to someone, necessary, but in accordance with a personal understanding of achieving the goal. He satisfies not others' needs, but his own needs. In this case, ungrateful people appear. Psychology in the context of the problem proposes to consider only those situations where the benefactor does a good deed in response to the request of a particular person.

The Origins of Ingratitude

Researchers of the human soul believe that ungrateful people become so from birth. This feeling is associated with generosity, greed, the ability to love and experience pleasure.

There are two most common points of view on the origin of the condemned personality trait. The author of the first is the famous psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, who passed away in 1960. The famous British woman believed that the feeling of gratitude is innate and manifests itself in the first weeks of life. If, while receiving breast milk, the infant feels gratitude, the forces of good will be the most important in him. If he only demands and at the same time does not show gratitude to his mother, in hima program of hatred and malice is being laid.

Another scientist, Harry Guntrip, who left this world in 1975, gave a different answer to the question of why people are ungrateful. In his opinion, it depends on the ability of the mother to love her child: to stroke in time, to calm down, to relieve anxiety. Reacting to the hunger of the baby, such a woman will not make him cry for a long time and ask for milk. If a child develops a frustrated need to eat (with frequent untimely satisfaction of the need), then this indicates a further manifestation of greed. Guntrip describes the phenomenon of internalization - the formation of one's own "goodness" in the presence of a "good" mother and "badness" if she is perceived as "bad".

In later life, perceiving ourselves negatively, when meeting a generous person, our baby begins to feel even more bad. Gratitude for him is associated with feelings of guilt and shame, and he simply blocks them.

Ungrateful - what are they?

Nietzsche described a phenomenon called ressentiment (translated as "embitterment"). It is about the feeling of hatred towards the benefactor. This is the hostility of the slave towards the master who let him go. Because of his own inferiority, weakness and envy, the beneficiary denies the value system of the one who does a good deed.

For example, a poor person who receives material support from a we althy person begins to spread rumors about unrighteous sourcesthe income of the donor, his self-interest, including attributing to him the desire to receive absolution at his expense, etc. Moreover, the more good things are done, the stronger the blows that he is able to inflict. Folk wisdom on this matter is clearly visible in a saying that you can just start, because everyone knows its ending: "Do no good …"

The word "ungrateful" often characterizes sad people. They are dissatisfied with life, feel worse, get sick more often and live much less than others. It turns out that life itself returns the negative to them like a boomerang.

How to deal with an ungrateful person?

Psychologists advise excluding such people from your communication. Recognizing that they really exist, we must understand that in their face we find in an environment of envious, hostile and often rather vile persons.

If communication cannot be avoided, one should understand what is behind this act: unwillingness to be in debt, imposing a service that was not demanded by them, or a sense of failure. There are people who prefer to help others, but do not want to be in someone's debt themselves. And relationships should be built depending on the cause. Do not provide services without a request and do something based on gratitude.

Good should be done just like that. If you expect something in return, then you will definitely have to experience disappointment. A person who does good deeds should act as if he were throwing a coin into the river that cannot be returned.

How to develop in yourselfquality of gratitude?

It is very important to be grateful ourselves, because this quality makes us happy. Scientists conducted an experiment: three groups of subjects were asked to write down the events of their lives for a certain time. The first recorded good and bad deeds. The second - only problematic, and the third - pleasant events for which they thanked their benefactors. It turned out that the words "thank you" can work wonders. The subjects from the third group improved their physical and psychological state, attention was directed exclusively to the good.

Only gratitude, felt by the heart and backed by action, positively affects a person and strengthens his relationship with others. As an act, you can give a gift, offer a return service or money. The main condition is that gratitude be sincere.

Instead of a conclusion

Two groups of high school students were given the task of writing an essay about their main achievement in life. The first ones were informed that the best works will be read out to everyone. The second was asked to do the work anonymously. In the essays read out to the audience, many words of gratitude were said to teachers, parents, and coaches. In the second group, the guys described how long and hard they went to their first victory in their lives, selflessly overcoming obstacles. How would you write?