The times when children were brought up with rods, in severity and humility, are long gone. Today, every conscious mother tries to bring up in her own child an interesting personality, individuality and just a he althy member of society without complexes and mental problems. And then the question arises: how not to yell at a child? This problem arises even in the most loyal and friendly families. Let's find out why and how to deal with it.
What is this phenomenon
How often from wonderful and very loving mothers you can hear prayers: “I yell at my child! I do not know what to do! Help! With such words and eyes full of tears, women frantically seek advice on the Web, run to their friends or turn to psychologists. So what is this phenomenon? Everything is simple. This means that at some point the mother loses control over herself, gives all the accumulated negative emotions the opportunity to come out and directs all their stormy flow toa small and defenseless person, someone whom he loves more than anyone in the world and who, due to his age and position, will not be able to respond to a surge of aggression. Unfortunately, a person most often does not see himself at such moments, because few people yell at their child, standing in front of a mirror. And it looks like this: anger in the eyes, tense and distorted muscles of the face or even the whole body, disheveled hair and a terrible voice. Yes Yes! This is what a beloved child sees when his mother yells at him.
Many will say that he deserved it. Is that so? Here are the main reasons for mom's cry.
Reason 1: Stress
The most common today is stress in the absence of the child's guilt. Like this? Yes, very easy! A woman who is overwhelmed by stress, hassle and fatigue simply breaks down on someone who does not resist. And often without even realizing it. Let's think about whether an accidentally broken old vase, a poem poorly told at school or a soiled jacket is really worth so many experiences. Perhaps a beloved child touched this vessel when he himself tried to get a book for himself, because his mother was not at home. Perhaps the son or daughter told the poem badly because his stomach hurt. Probably, the new sweater was soiled by a cocky classmate who neither teachers nor parents can handle. But the sleepy and tired mother did not understand, but simply yelled from the threshold.
Reason 2: Lack of attention
Today, women are very often busy with careers, work and self-realization. For some it's the only wayto survive, for others - an internal need. Be that as it may, mothers do not sit at home, but are in offices, at business meetings and on business trips. And it turns out that their children see and hear their own person less often than her colleagues and business partners. In order to attract attention, both kids, and schoolchildren, and even teenagers unconsciously choose the most accessible way - to be guilty. After all, then the mother will tear herself away from the computer monitor or tablet and look into their eyes, even with a scream and swearing. And let these moments be scary, but they will belong only to them and their mother, whose attention is so lacking.
Reason 3: Disobedience
The most difficult and controversial problem is that the child indulges and does not obey. First, such behavior may be the result of the factors outlined in the previous two paragraphs. If, nevertheless, there is enough attention and the mother is trying to understand the essence of the situation, and the child continues to behave in a way that should not be, then you need to understand further. Here it is better to divide the problem into conditional age categories:
- Toddlers, preschoolers and primary school children. Often these guys do wrong simply because they do not yet have a clear line between good and bad. Their pampering is just a game, the purpose of which is ultimately to understand the world around them.
- Children of secondary school age. Pampering as such is already behind us. Now the child tries on various roles, checks the axioms of life given by parents, and is simply mistaken.
- High school students andteenagers. At this age, the most common causes of disobedience are protest, a desire to stand out, or the search for an inner self.
If you understand the reason why the child acted one way or another, then in many cases there will be no need for swearing, and another will arise - to talk heart to heart. And here all the best qualities of a mother will come in handy: patience, understanding, sympathy, empathy and, of course, love. Such conversations will not only help solve problems of behavior or study, but will also give many pleasant moments, bring parents and children together.
Having understood the reasons for their screaming, many mothers no longer ask the question of how not to scream at a child. If it still doesn't work, then follow the advice below.
Tip 1: Remove distractions
How not to break loose on a child, if, as they say, nerves are not good for hell. First you need to review your life schedule and remove the maximum possible number of irritants from it. For example, stop communicating with a friend who cries all the time and gives only negativity. Just tell her "no" and cross the number off your phone. Cruel? No, because your children are much more important and more expensive than someone else. Or try to change jobs where everything is fed up. It is difficult and scary, but possible if the psychological he alth of your own children depends on it. And so on. Then you need to make your daily routine so that there is always time for yourself, for sleeping and for communicating with children.
Not working? You can try to attend a training on time management, where specialistslearn how to manage time properly. And finally, find an activity or activity that will help relieve stress. It is enough for someone to crumple a sheet of paper, others go to the gym to beat a punching bag, others put on sneakers and run through the park, and so on. The main thing is to throw out the negative not on your child.
Tip 2: Think about the consequences
Mommies often lack the motivation to take action and change something. It’s a pity for the baby, they scold themselves, but they themselves calm down, they say, with whom they don’t happen. Every time before you scream, imagine the harm you are doing to the child. The little man is frightened, his consciousness cannot cope and process this horror, nerve cells are destroyed, connections between neurons are lost, and so on. This is fraught with nervous disorders, psychological illnesses, which can lead to loss of physical he alth. Not scary? Then come up with your own picture of the harm that parental yelling does. For example, imagine that every time during parental ora, a child eats a poisonous mushroom that destroys its nervous system and can cause very serious harm to a small organism.
Tip 3: Relax
How not to break down on a child with a magic pill? There is no such remedy, but a variety of herbal teas and infusions will help to calm down mom. Just don't self-medicate. It is better to consult a doctor for help and choose the drug that will strengthen the nervous system and will not harm he alth. Under no circumstances should you tryRelieve stress with smoking or alcohol. These funds will not solve problems, but on the contrary, they will add new ones. Another good way to relax and calm down is to take a bath or shower. Water, as you know, has a unique property to wash away negative energy and give strength.
Tip 4: Deterrent
Another good way to avoid yelling at a child is to find a deterrent. Most mothers will not yell at their child in the presence of guests or just strangers. Most often, screaming and cursing falls on a child when no one is around. If so, then before you start yelling hysterically, imagine that guests are sitting in the next room or in the kitchen. This can become a deterrent. Then take a deep breath and leave the room, for example to the balcony. Stand, breathe fresh air, think about what happened, analyze the situation and, having already calmed down a bit, return to the child to calmly discuss the problem or controversial situation that has arisen.
Tip 5: Symbol
There is another, almost classic, way to deal with manifestations of aggression towards your own child. It is necessary to agree with the son or daughter about a conventional sign or phrase that the child can use if he sees that his mother is losing control of herself. It can be a hand raised, a face covered with hands, or said: “Mom, stop, let's talk.” This will be a sign that marks the boundary beyond which the child is scared and hurt. React to it mama, in yourturn, can in three ways:
- Adjustment: Apologize for yelling and admit that what the child did was wrong or even bad, but still shouldn't have yelled.
- Rewind: thank the child for the reminder of the contract and the symbol and indicate that the reason for this phenomenon was that the mother was very upset by the bad deed of the child.
- Repeat: apologize for shouting and invite your son or daughter to start the conversation again, but calmly.
Thus, the child will feel secure, and the parent will receive a deterrent.
Tip 6: Psychological Literature
A lot of useful information, tips, recommendations and techniques on how not to yell at a child can be found in the special literature. Yes, yes, it is in those books that are so often rejected with the words: “Well, what new things will they write there, everyone knows everyone for so long!” Psychology is a science that, like any other, does not stand still. Specialist scientists around the world work every day to give the world answers to various questions, including those about raising children. Therefore, you should not neglect such literature and read at least a couple of the most famous authors.
Tip 7: Don't be indifferent
In no case, never and under no circumstances should you say to a child the phrase: "Cry and scream as much as you want." A mother for a child is the whole world, the whole Universe, and such a phrase means indifference and indifference to his suffering. After all, the child cries sincerely and surrenders to emotions without a trace,completely - this is how the child's psyche is arranged. By analogy, for an adult, it looks something like this: the whole world has turned away, no one needs you, and even if you are gone, no one will care. This thoughtlessly thrown phrase causes great damage to psychological he alth and gives rise to doubts in the small mind. Is that how my mom loves me? But will she leave me, will she not turn away, can she be trusted? Any normal mother would be horrified by such questions.
Tip 8: Family Psychologist
If the tips above do not help, then do not give up and let things take their course. There is a way out of any life situation, and in this case, the mother, most likely, needs to go to a specialist. There is no need to be shy or afraid to visit a family psychologist. Perhaps a couple of conversations will solve the problem forever and give relatives and beloved children a happy childhood without screaming and swearing.
Special occasion
There are often delicate situations in this matter. Women say: "All this advice is good, but what if I am raising other people's children?"
If it's about yelling at completely unfamiliar kids on the playground, then the solution is unequivocal: you can't, period. No litigation in cause and effect. Yelling at other people's children is not allowed, just like, for example, standing in the way of an oncoming train. The second is beyond doubt, isn't it?
If we talk about the situation with adoption, or adoption, or maybe just living together with non-native children, then it is bestcontact a psychologist. Firstly, because in each case it is necessary to take into account the reason why the child does not live with his own mother. Secondly, an individual approach of a specialist is needed in order to understand and understand the level of trust and closeness between a stepparent and a child. And only on the basis of this, a professional will be able to choose a methodology and give recommendations on how to behave for both mother and child.
Summing up
Understanding the reasons for your cry and trying to eradicate this bad habit, it is worth remembering a few unshakable truths:
- A child, his physical and psychological he alth, his smile and hugs are the most valuable thing in a woman's life, and nothing can be more important or more important. Love for one's own child is constant, and everything else in the world is only variable.
- Nervous mother - nervous child. Children very subtly feel and react to the state of the parent, so you should carefully monitor your psychological state and not allow your troubles and problems to affect the life of the dearest and most beloved person.
