The only child in the family is the apple of the eye, which is cherished and cherished by parents. He is adored, he is the center of the universe for parents. But after a while, another child is born, and sometimes several. And then the only one becomes the elder. In this case, he has a hard time. How to avoid mistakes in education, psychologists suggest.
The role of the eldest child in the family
Sigmund Freud believed that the position of the elder among brothers and sisters has a direct impact on the formation of his personality. After all, we all know how great the impact on our psyche of childhood events is. As a result, completely different children, not similar to each other, can grow up with common parents.
Young people with the birth of their first child are just learning to be parents. Therefore, it is not surprising that the upbringing of an older child in their eyes may not be at all what it should be according to psychologists. They are just beginning to understand how to behave and what is required of them. Psychologists note that fatherly love often wakes up inmen after the birth of their second child. Moreover, with the birth of the first child, problems can begin in the relationship of the spouses.
Previously, there was an opinion (confirmed by Mechnikov and a number of other scientists) that the eldest child in the family has poor he alth and reduced intellectual development. However, modern studies have not revealed such deviations. On the contrary, statisticians claim that among the studied 224 Nobel laureates of the 20th century, 46.9% were the first-born in families. For comparison, 18.8% of the laureates are the second born children, 17.9% are the third, etc.
When the firstborn is no longer the only child in the family, the mother expects him to understand and help, automatically adding him to the list of adult family members. As the older child matures and develops his personality, he really becomes more serious, collected and responsible. He feels obliged to take care of the younger ones, especially if the parents work hard or one of them is sick and cannot take care of the family. That's what the older kids in the family do.
You should…
Parents constantly tell the older child that he should yield to the younger, although in fact he does not owe anything to anyone. They unconsciously feed a feeling of bitterness and resentment, which can remain with him for many years. An unbearable sense of responsibility puts incredible pressure on the fragile children's shoulders, preventing them from breathing freely. The psychology of the eldest child in the family is such that he will feel indebted to his relatives all his life.
Unjustified sacrifices
The role of older children in the family is very high. Often they, especially boys, are forced to abandon their own childhood and go to work because of the difficult financial situation of the family. In this case, education is constantly delayed.
From older parents often demand too much. They must take care of their elders, study well and in every possible way justify the expectations of their parents. In the future, such behavior of parents can cause psychological problems.
Moreover, the first-born feel responsible for the younger ones, so they sacrifice their own personal lives, waiting for their "ward" to grow up. However, when it is no longer necessary to take care of the younger ones, older older children begin to understand: they have missed something in this life. The time for establishing relationships with the opposite sex has already been lost. Yes, and the usual way of life is broken. This makes them feel lost and alone.
Problems of senior
What do the statistics say? More than half of American presidents were first-born in large families. They were also numerous astronauts. It is frightening that Hitler was the eldest child in the family. However, his manic desire for world leadership is hardly due only to his position in the family.
Psychological problems of the eldest child in the family arise only through the fault of parents, who often make gross mistakes in education. After all, the first-born is initially the center of the universe for parents who devote all their time to him. A conniving style of behavior eventually results inbelief: "I am the navel of the Earth."
Envy and rivalry
A little later, the second child appears, the first-born no longer feels important and necessary. And the phase of rivalry begins, start, and sometimes even hatred, especially if the difference between the children is small. Even despite the fact that the parents convince: "We love you equally, but the youngest requires more care, because he is very small." He does not particularly believe the assurances of adults.
The older child doubts that he is loved the same way. Moreover, parents themselves can unconsciously give all their love to the youngest, pushing the first-born into the background. And it is very important for them to realize this, otherwise they risk losing the love of their child. If the older baby is still very young, he may demand that the younger one be handed over to the store, given to the stork, or taken to the hospital.
So, the child, feeling that he is being paid more attention, begins to strenuously seek the love of his parents. He is strenuously trying to surpass the younger. At the same time, parents themselves often feed feelings of envy and rivalry. So, they set children as an example to each other, which does not add mutual affection to the kids.
Senior considers himself outcast and abandoned. Hence all the problems of childish jealousy. The task of a wise and loving parent is to be aware of the complex of these problems and look for ways to allow the older child to feel still loved and significant in the family. Next, we will consider the advice of psychologists on this matter.
Development of the oldest child in the family
From oneOn the other hand, the first-born is trying to study better, which can positively affect his future career. After all, parents expect more diligence and responsibility from him. And no one canceled the rivalry factor. Therefore, the first-born comes with great responsibility for learning, especially if the difference between the children is small. As a result, the child can achieve great results in school or work. But at the same time, he risks remaining offended by his parents somewhere deep inside.
Mature first-borns, who have a large age difference with younger children, are distinguished by an increased degree of responsibility. It manifests itself in the desire to control everyone and everything. In addition, older children in the family are often more family oriented, but they have problems with a low sense of self-worth.
The older ones are smarter than the younger ones
Scientists from the University of Amsterdam answered the question why the oldest child in the family is smart, while the younger ones are slightly inferior to him in intelligence. The study involved 659 children. Analyzing the results, the authors came to the conclusion that the mental abilities of children are directly proportional to what number they were born in their family. It turned out that parents at an early stage of development pay more attention to first-born children, which in the future affects their IQ level. In addition, the older children in the family are often involved in teaching the younger ones, which also favorably affects their development and the amount of knowledge.
What do parents say?
Parents admit that often, with the birth of their first child, they do not even notice how they begin to make increased demands on the elder. They want the first-born to study better and even help them around the house. However, this is fundamentally wrong. And it is important for parents to understand this before they completely ruin their relationship with their older child.
In any case, the mutual love of children in the family and their psychological state are completely dependent on their parents. Let's turn to the opinion of psychologists. How to properly raise the youngest and oldest child in the family?
Tipping off the pedestal
Child psychologist and part-time mother of eight children Ekaterina Burmistrova says that a lot depends on how much time a child spends alone. If the difference is less than two or three years, then in this case there are practically no problems. However, when the firstborn is the only one for a certain number of years, it pays attention to his character.
Firstly, Ekaterina advises parents not to allow themselves to spoil the child. This is very difficult, but remember that you are doing him and yourself a disservice by doing so. If a child does not grow up as an egoist, it will be much easier for him to accept the fact of the birth of another baby.
Do not burden the elder with responsibility
Many parents, considering their first child already grown up and responsible, try to shift some of their responsibilities to him. On the one hand, the help of the baby can be perceived by him as a privilege if he provides the mother with some kind of symbolic help. After all, every child wants to feel grown up and independent.
However, if the demands of the parents on the child are excessive, they simply exploit him. It is important for them to understand what kind of load is permissible for him. Catherine advises to let the first-born mind his own business and ask him for help only in exceptional cases. It is preferable to ask an adult for a favor or manage on your own.
What burden will be excessive for the child? There is literature that gives clear criteria for each age. However, it is better to pay attention to the behavior of the baby and his reaction to the tasks. For example, if you ask an older child under 6-7 years old to look after a baby so that he does not fall out of bed, the load on his child's psyche may be excessive.
How to avoid childish resentment?
The parents are most often to blame for her appearance, and unconsciously. They forget that before the birth of their second child, they forgave the first-born for what they are now punishing. Why? After all, the child has not changed - he is still the same age. However, parental perceptions have changed. It seems to them that their first-born is already an adult, and they expect serious behavior from him. The child is quite rightly offended by this, as he believes that he has become less loved.
Follow the recommendations of psychologists:
- Let your firstborn be a baby sometimes. Do you know what it's like to be the eldest child in a family? If yes, then you probably remember how you were offended by your parents because they demanded too much. Remember that "senior" does not mean "adult".
- Strive to ensure that the child does not perceive the word "senior" in a negative way. Do not shout: "You're already big! How could you scatter toys around the house?". He will automatically associate adulthood with unpleasant emotions. It's better to praise for some work done, noting that he behaves like an adult.
- Try to pay more attention to the elder, hug and kiss more often. This will eliminate the possibility of childish resentment.
Hierarchical structure
Many parents believe that children in the family should have equal rights. However, in fact, psychologists say, the family should have a hierarchical structure. The main thing is that it does not take on ugly forms.
So, the elder must understand that he has not only rights, but also duties. Age for a child is a certain rank. It is important to explain to him that his age imposes certain functions on him. And when the younger one grows up to his age, he too will be endowed with these rights and responsibilities.
What to consider?
Older children in a large family are prone to anxiety. They are very afraid of not living up to parental expectations. It is difficult for them to relax and begin to enjoy life. They feel they have to constantly watch over and supervise the younger ones.
It is important for parents to explain to older children that they have the right to rest. Moreover, they also have the right to make mistakes. And they will never be judged for them by their parents. Main needsuch a child is the unconditional love of a father and mother.
The youngest child in the family
Researchers say that it is the youngest who get all the care and love of their parents and grandparents. However, the younger ones also have their own "cockroaches". First of all, they constantly compare themselves with older children, considering them wiser and smarter. They often believe that their parents appreciate them much more.
Alas, parents often cannot objectively evaluate their behavior and punish them fairly. That is why the younger ones often try alcohol early and begin sexual activity. It is important for parents to track this moment and not miss it.
They should also teach him to make his own decisions, because he grows up in an environment where there is always someone older nearby who will help figure it out, take care.
Conclusion
Parents very often make mistakes in raising children without even realizing it. Of course, not everyone has a degree in psychology, so this is not surprising. However, it is important for parents to consider that all their children need is unconditional love. In addition, it is important to share sweets, things and gifts equally between them. Even if there is a big difference between your children, never separate them, assuming that one adult does not need attention. Even adults need family love and care.
