Financial problems or unwillingness to live alone, many young people are forced to stay in their parents' house. However, in reality, this seemingly practical solution is not at all as rational as it seems at first glance. It is noteworthy that in Europe almost every second citizen aged 18 to 34 lives in the parental home. In Russia, statistics show that only a third of the population shares living space with their parents. Of course, the problems with the economy that have persisted in most CIS countries will not contribute to a decrease in this indicator.
Despite the seeming benefits, living with parents leaves a certain imprint on a young personality that is just being formed. Of course, there are families in which children and parents get along well with each other and do not feel disadvantaged. However, most often such a symbiosis becomes the cause of many psychological problems. Considersome of the most common situations that require specialist assistance.
Dependency
Often, adult children live with their parents only because they are in a painful, dependent relationship with them. They develop when the child performs an important function in the family, so parents cannot and do not want to let him go. For example, in a family where the father is an alcoholic, the child takes on the responsibility of looking after the mother, helping her avoid critical situations. At the same time, in childhood, he often exaggerates the need for his intervention. In this psychological state, he can get stuck for a long time, as he will feel that his father will kill his mother without him, and he will die. This state grows and develops along with it. In adulthood, if he manages to leave his father's house, he feels guilt and anxiety. However, when it comes to the realization that it was used by the parents, the stage of anger sets in.
Protection against these feelings is the moral that he should serve his parents, as they are the closest people in his life.
At the same time, of course, for a co-dependent relationship, it is not necessary to have an alcoholic father. Widows, single mothers often give birth "for themselves", and then do not let their children go into adulthood. They are mortally afraid of being abandoned and unnecessary. It is impossible to explain to them the fallacy of their judgments.
Family is a fortress
Adult children often live with their parents simply because it is more convenient, safer and more economical. Most of these families arefriendly. They have a great time together, no one feels slighted or unloved. However, an already adult child (most often these are women) has another problem - the prospects for personal life are rather vague, and there is no particular desire. After all, it’s good with parents: they will feed, and regret, and support. Therefore, I don’t want to live separately from my parents at all.
People with this type of addiction also develop a distrust of the world. Only at home they feel truly comfortable. Such installations are very difficult to destroy. Taking her own family as an example, the girl will reject gentlemen, believing that it is impossible to create an equally strong family with any of them.
Family Incubator
It is not uncommon for children who have grown up to create their own families, but remain to live with their parents (grandparents) or move in with them after the birth of a baby. From a practical point of view, this act is quite justified, but from the point of view of psychology, the behavior is fundamentally wrong. Usually, the initiator of the move is a woman from a fortress family who does not feel competent enough in matters of motherhood, and therefore she needs the support of her parents. Moreover, she does not feel the necessary trust in the family that she created herself.
The husband in this case either must obey the authoritative older generation, as his wife does, or leave the family. That's why you shouldn't live with your parents.
Do you recognize yourself in one of the descriptions? Awareness is the right way to correct the situation. And then we will find out why it is not worth living with parents and whatit is fraught with "complications".
Reluctance to grow old (or grow up?)
Living with parents, young people get stuck at a certain stage of personal development. Today, the idea of eternal youth is cultivated in society: people of all ages wear youth clothes, go to discos. Combined with life in the parental home, all this makes you feel like a teenager. At the same time, teenagers themselves often say: “I don’t want to live with my parents, because I don’t feel like an adult.”
No responsibility
Joint living with parents allows you to shift the responsibility for many small household chores to them: washing dishes, paying utility bills. Even the responsibility for failures in their personal lives, some manage to shift to relatives.
Feeling needed
It is important for everyone to be needed. Someone puts the attitude of a loved one in the first place, someone - the attitude of friends. Others prefer to look for this feeling in communication with people who will never leave or betray. Often the scenario develops as follows: one of the household takes on the role of the needy, the other - his forced savior. In this way, both satisfy their need for need.
The plot of the second scenario is the fear of loneliness. If something goes wrong, there will be no one to help. Life with parents is a guarantee of security.
Calm and confidence
Many parents have been repeating since childhoodto their children, that they cannot cope without them, as they are too dependent. As a result, children begin to feel that they need round-the-clock support from their parents. Creating psychological comfort, of course, seems to be a blessing, but in fact it is the exit from the comfort zone that is very important for the full formation of personality.
No life of my own
If an adult lives in the parental home, for them he remains a child. He does not have the right to vote and is forced to completely and completely obey the will of his parents. This has an extremely negative effect on the development of the individual, because she does not have the ability to independently make (even erroneous) decisions.
Not knowing yourself
A person, seeing himself through the eyes of his parents, is not capable of an adequate assessment of his own actions. He cannot take himself seriously, often lives in the mind of more experienced parents, and is often unable to fill the bumps with his own rake. As a result, a person develops a stable self-esteem, which prevents him from choosing an interesting profession or hobby.
Lack of communication skills
Lack of communication skills with the outside world is the main problem when living together with parents. For this reason, women often avoid serious relationships. The same thing happens at work: the "child" identifies the boss with mom or dad, and the team - with the family, so finding a common language with employees can be extremely difficult.
What to do in this case?
First of all, ask yourself: "I wantShould I live with my parents?" Think about moving and imagine living independently. Think about how it will be and what it will take. For example, in order to rent your own apartment, you need funds. If your salary is not enough, you should start looking for a job, It is important to understand how to start living independently on your own money.
Let's say you come to the conclusion that you won't be able to live separately from your relatives and pay for the rented premises on your own. Do not despair. You can rent an apartment with a friend, move in with a loved one if you have not dared to do this before, or finally find a higher paying job.
If you still can't bring your plans to life, you should start small. For example, arrange your room the way you want, start eating separately from your parents, make your financial contribution to pay utility bills. You can also put a padlock on the door if your parents have a habit of entering without knocking. And then think about how to buy an apartment or rent it for a while.
At the same time, it is important to explain to your parents that you are not doing this because they infringe on you or interfere with your personal life. They will certainly understand your desire to learn self-reliance.
Newlyweds in the parental home
Of course, many young families prefer living with their parents to renting someone else's apartment. From the point of view of economy, this decision is quite justified, but the risk of frequent conflicts is high in the family, especially if they live withparents in a small apartment. Another development of the plot is also not very useful for a young couple: they get used to the help of their elders, which hinders the full development of their family life.
At the same time, psychologists believe that the greatest harm should be expected from women - mothers, mothers-in-law, sisters. They are more likely to validate their importance through household members and influence their relationships, mood, and home environment. Therefore, it is worth avoiding "family triangles". From a woman who feels superfluous, you should definitely not expect good. Let her be sure that she only wants him for a young couple.
At the same time, the life of the newlyweds will not be affected in any way by a single man - father-in-law / father-in-law, brother. So, if there is no way to buy your own housing and just visit your parents, how can you learn to get along?
Advice from psychologists
A young family needs to have its own space - both emotional and physical. Therefore, it is worth considering how to buy an apartment and move out from relatives. However, when living with your parents, you should adhere to the following principles in order to avoid conflicts of interest as much as possible.
Until the moment of moving, couples who live with their parents should adhere to certain rules:
- Respect for personal space. The newlyweds should at least have their own room in which they are free to do whatever they want. Parents need to explain this tactfully. The room should be in the complete control of the newlyweds, neither other residents nor their belongings should be in it.
- You shouldn't commit your parents to your relationship with your husband/wife. The spouses then reconcile, but an unpleasant aftertaste in the soul of the parents remains. Especially often such situations arise when young people live with their parents and grandmother, who is interested in everything in the world.
In the mother-in-law's house
Here the situation is complicated by the fact that there are two mistresses in the house, who a priori start rivalry. The mother-in-law subconsciously seeks out shortcomings in the daughter-in-law, who has just set foot on the family path. In this situation, it is important that the husband takes the side of his wife at the time of the conflict between mother and wife. In this case, seeing that the son supports the spouse, the mother-in-law will have to come to terms with the presence of a young woman in the house and even make friends with her in a sense.
In mother-in-law's house
Here, it would seem, everything is not so scary, because women have nothing to share. However, one can often hear from young women: "I live with my parents and husband, but I dream of moving out to a separate apartment as soon as possible." This is because parents, especially mothers, often begin to put pressure on the newlyweds and interfere in their relationship. Worse is the son-in-law, who feels in a strange house, as if in a cage. He, an adult man, is forced to live by the rules of the owners of the house. The wife may simply not understand his feelings, since for her all this is in the order of things.
What to do in this case? It is important for a spouse to give her beloved a little freedom: the ability to do as he sees fit in everyday life. And do not scold for shoes that were not placed there and hung incorrectlybath towel.
