Unfortunately, each of us in a certain period of life meets with aggression. With the most standard, habitual, inherent in every human aggression. And it manifests itself mainly in everyday situations. Here psychologists decided to look more specifically and came up with many classifications of aggression. We are only interested in a typology that divides aggression into overt and covert.
Explicit and hidden
As for the obvious aggression, nothing needs to be explained, it manifests itself openly. Things are quite different with hidden aggression in psychology, because it may not be recognized as aggression at all. And not only in the eyes of the one to whom the "evil" is directed, but also for the aggressor himself. Often it can resemble care and is not at all like aggression. The victim does not even try to resist, because she does not suspect what is really happening. And this is perceived naturally, because how can you resist when they try toshow concern, use seemingly innocent jokes, and seemingly sincere teachings. Society will not understand. Here the situation changes in the strangest way, the victim herself begins to feel guilty for perceiving negatively and resisting those who seem to want only the best. It's not far from the hidden threat. And it is very convenient for the aggressor to use it. And often unconsciously, but the fact remains. What are the signs of covert aggression?
How does the aggressor behave?
How to recognize covert aggression? It is rather difficult, at first glance, a person does not do anything supernatural. He does not shout, does not beat, and behaves politely. It is possible to make a portrait of a passive aggressor, this character meets some characteristics. The manifestation of hidden aggression is manifested by the situations described below.
He doesn't keep his promises
How does this manifest itself? First of all, he nods, agrees with everything, but to the last he hesitates to fulfill his promises. To do for him what was agreed upon is a real problem. If it comes to the fulfillment of promises, then this happens at the last moment, of poor quality, which is a lot of excuses and clearly expressed dissatisfaction. It is especially uncomfortable to have such people in a close environment, among relatives or good friends. Asking them for help is sometimes pointless. For example, they asked the spouse not to give the child a sweet that causes him illness, but he seems to forget about the agreement and again gives himchocolate.
This does not mean that you need to write down all your acquaintances, who often do not keep their promises, as passive aggressors. Nevertheless, this type of people is a combination of factors. A good example is the protagonist of the film Love and Doves. After all, how can you rely on a person who spends the last family money on pigeons, and hides with them in the attic from reprisal? And if for someone such behavior can be caused by some circumstances, then for a passive aggressor this happens on an ongoing basis. Resistance to requests, stubbornness, forgetfulness, procrastination, poor performance of work - these are the makings of passive aggression. Some mistakenly believe that this behavior is the lot of men, but there is hidden aggression in women even more often.
He never expresses his position clearly
It is difficult to get a clear answer from a passive aggressor, he does not say what he thinks about, what he wants, directly and clearly. It is easier for him to get away from the issue, to discuss problems and attempts to clarify the situation - this is not for him. It is too difficult for him to explain what is wrong, what he wants and how to solve this or that situation. It is difficult to understand whether there is feedback and whether a person has an interest. The answers to any questions are the same: “maybe”, “I don’t know”, “I don’t care”, “whatever you say”, “do as you like”, and so on. It may seem to the interlocutor that the partner gives him complete freedom of action by such behavior, but in fact this is not so. As strange as it may seem, butthe inability to say “no” is one of the signs of passive aggression. It is easier for a person to lie, promise and not fulfill. As a result, zero sense both at work and in personal life. There is nowhere without manipulative behavior.
His words and actions contradict each other
Do you have a friend who always complains about how little time you spend together, and then in every possible way tries to avoid this meeting and elude his promises. He will show with his whole appearance that he is uncomfortable. He will be silent, quietly angry, but when asked about what happened, he will answer that everything is in order. He will sigh, complain about life, but he will still sigh to offers of help and answer that nothing is needed and nothing will help him. He can, with a frown on his face, redo what you just did, showing with all his appearance that you did not cope with your task. But for all the questions you will hear only one thing: "It's okay, I'm just trying to help you." This is especially true of latent aggression in adolescents.
How to deal with a passive aggressor?
Thanks to the signs listed above, it is possible to calculate the hidden aggressor. It remains now to figure out how to communicate with such people so as not to cause inconvenience to anyone.
Respond openly to sabotage
To start the fight against covert aggression, you need to openly confront it. Be direct about what makes you angry when a promise is not kept. Ask to promise onlywhat he can really accomplish, and not give false hopes. Or ask them to explain the meaning of such actions. Then you need to act according to the situation, it is only important to show that you are open to conversation. It is important not to hide your true emotions, if you feel uncomfortable, say it directly, if something makes you angry, frightened or happy, do not forget to say so. Ask directly to prevent the aggressor from escaping, seek a clear answer and the truth.
Calmly but firmly insist on keeping the promise
This option is suitable for those with steel patience. Knocking out a clear answer from a passive aggressor is not an easy task, a lot of energy is expended. We'll have to turn on the bore and demand-demand-demand. It will be necessary to constantly remind about promises, to agree on the time of their implementation. Let the passive aggressor name not only the day, but also the exact time.
Minimize communication with the passive aggressor
If none of the above options worked, and your partner continues to stubbornly stand his ground (still procrastinating, delaying the answer, resisting offers, and so on). If you no longer have the strength to endure such an attitude, then you will have to admit that you cannot trust this person 100%, he is absolutely unreliable. Try not to take responsibility for his actions. It is best to allocate your time so that you have the least interaction with the passive aggressor, so as not to disappoint yourself and others.
Phrases that are essential for passive aggression
You can identify the aggressor by phrases that indicate that your partner may be a potential source of aggression. Forms of covert aggression can be as follows:
- "I'm not angry" - no matter how strange it may sound, the banal denial of feelings of anger is one of the manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior. He will never admit his true feelings, he will not explain what caused it. It is easier for him to say that he is not angry, but inside it will be a real volcano of anger and emotions.
- "As you say" - and nowhere without "nuts", avoiding the answer, resentment and standard passive-aggressive behavior. They won’t tell you clearly what you don’t like, they won’t give their arguments for and against. A person simply withdraws into himself and gives monosyllabic, meaningless answers. It turns out that anger is present, but it is expressed only indirectly, without direct dialogue.
- "Yes, I'm coming!" - everything is extremely simple here, with such a phrase the aggressor simply postpones the inevitable. Just try calling your child for dinner for the hundredth time, and you will hear this dissatisfied: “Yes, I’m on my way.”
- "I didn't know what you meant" - this phrase is not only actively used in everyday life by those who like to procrastinate, but also by passive aggressors. Everything is simple here. When a person is given a task that he does not want to do at all, he will try to postpone its implementation for as long as possible. And if you start asking when the report will be ready or something like that, the answer will be the same: “I didn’t know that this needs to be donenow". Such an answer can mean one thing: the person does not like the task at all and it is unlikely that he will complete it qualitatively after the next reminder.
- "I thought you knew" - classic passive-aggressive behavior suggests this response. This is called hiding information that could help. And this is done consciously. Such behavior may not occur very often, lovers of intrigue are engaged in such concealment. They seem to forget to show the letter, to tell about an important call or message.
Beware, any little thing can be used against you. As a result, we hear one thing: “How did they not know this? I thought you knew.”
Dubious compliments
"Of course, I would be happy" - this is the fate of the attendants, they can smile at you, flatter you, promise you anything. And here a paradox happens, the longer you ask and even demand to complete the task faster, the longer it will be performed. Or they may even end up in an urn marked “refuse.”
And nowhere without dubious compliments. For example: "You did an excellent job for a person who does not have a higher education." It's the same if you tell a woman something like: “You'll get married, don't worry. There are some men who prefer ladies in the body. Most often, such compliments relate to age, education, weight, appearance, and so on. The purpose of such a compliment is to evoke unpleasant emotions, offend or even offend. And no complaints, because it's a compliment!
One morea sign of hidden aggression is sarcasm. To blurt out stupidity, to say nasty things and immediately abandon their words with the phrase: "It's a joke." And if you say that the joke is not funny at all, then in response you will only hear that you have no sense of humor at all. There may even be a hidden threat lurking here.
Sarcasm, meanness, a bad joke, and then the question: “Why are you so upset?” This is another indicator of passive-aggressive behavior, a person seems to enjoy the current situation, he managed to unsettle his interlocutor.
If you come across this behavior at work, at home or with friends, try not to react, because this is a common provocation that should not offend in any way. Passive aggression can and should be fought.
